cambria

It's ok not to be ok

2011-12-19T23:56:00.003+08:00

Adoiii penatnyeeeeee hahaha. Just had my shower after gallivanting for about three hours around town alone. Haha initial intention was to get Xmas gift for gift exchange hahaha but hmmm ended up buying my stuff instead haha. I wasn't even planning on shopping haha but after I bought an item, i subconsciously went on a rampage haha. And I was alone so might as well. One of my purchases was a realllly pretty dress hehehehe. Thought of wearing it on Friday night, cos when I laid my eyes on it, it was love at first sight and thank god there was my size! And it was the last one. Yeayyyyy! That's destiny babbbyyyyy.

Ohhh not to mention that I walked around in the afternoon too. Haha after lunch with my sister. Was a nice wet Monday. And now, a cooling Tuesday.

Tomorrow, I need to clear the mess around my desk. I'm gonna throw everything away. I want a cleaner 2012, a smoother sailing year.
Adoiiiii malasnyeeeee nak bangun besokkkkkk. Aargh. Haha.
Goodnight!

Merpati Putih

2011-12-19T01:17:00.002+08:00

I had a wonderful weekend, and I thought that it was going to be a miserable one. Spent time with my friends and family with a perfect chilling weather, I can't ask for a better Saturday and Sunday. Just watched mission impossible with Azly and guess what?! I didn't sleep haha. It was a good movie, love the cars and the invisible screen. Initially, I didnt want to watch it first as I thought that I might wanna watch it with A but well knew Azly wanted to watch it since Saturday else he will bug the hell out of me haha. Anyways, he is with his other half holidaying, I won't want to stay home and think about it so asked Azly to pick me up before I got emotional along with the stormy weather. And yeay it was a goooodddd decision.

Now, im beginning to get used to all these. To the fact that I love someone who belongs to someone else. I guess whatever he said on that Friday night really woke me up. I should not have pushed him. The things I did was actually self destructive, but in a good way. Haha. I get stronger every time that he's not with me. So yeay to me!

Tomorrow is Monday and I'm dreading to go to work. Not just because he is not there, but because I'm beginning to think twice about my job. Like where am I going from there? Now I'm getting envious of melly hahaaa. At least she gets to see different faces walking into the office everyday haha. Not that I don't like to see my familiar colleagues, just that I don't see myself as a necessity there haha. So yeahhhhh......

Oh went to my dad's friend wedding earlier in the afternoon and saw this makcik with gold all over her. A walking jewellery shop. Like 20 necklaces around the neck, 50 bangles on both her hands and ring one each of her ten fingers. Not that i counted it la... I just like to exaggerate but yes it looked that much. I'm not kidding on the rings on all her ten fingers though hahaha. Like WTF? Gila ke apa. Hahaa.

Okla saya nak beradu. Assalamualaikum. Cheh. Eh correct spelling right. Haha.
Malam malam! (night night)

Signs

2011-12-18T02:46:00.002+08:00

I just cried like nobody's business. Sheets of tissue were used to dry these tears of mine. Didn't expect myself to cry that hard but well I did. Really bad. And now my eyes are swollen. Now I can't sleep. I wanted to write about something else, but I can't think of anything that I want to share now.

Because the short Malay drama is going to keep me awake all night now :Tanda tanda 100 hari sebelum kematian.

Ok nak cuci muka lepas tu baca doa banyak banyak. Selamat malam.

A pinky Saturday!

2011-12-11T02:20:00.002+08:00

It did not rain today, the sun was shining all day long. Witnessed an eclipse earlier, was amazed by the beautiful artwork of God. Watched two movies today, slept during the second one. Hahaha 50/50, movie was at 1130pm so nothing new. Any showtime after 930, I would have to give in and let my eyes, mind rest. Movie was not that great so well, sleep it was. Don't think Azly enjoyed it too hahaaa cos he didn't comment anything at all. Sent me back and here I am, after a good shower, lying on the bed, eyes wide open. Haha.

Had a really nice afternoon watching NYE, bad second lunch, killing zombies and desserts after that. Wished it could have lasted throughout the day. Mesti best. Can explore tengok hantu ke malam malam. Pergi kubur bersiar siar. Hahaha. Go for late supper. Ini semua hanya satu harapan sahaja. Haha.

Okla ngantok pulak. Nak baca doa lepas tu tido, nak mimpi yang indah. :)

I'm craving for burger ramly yummy yum yum

2011-12-09T23:30:00.003+08:00

Ooooh lala I just had potato salad for dinner at Starbucks. With errr peppermint mocha. Haha. A nice Starbucks at Rochester park, near bouna vista. Empty and quiet. Had a few good laughs with Azly and khai. While eating my potato salad. Azly stole one of my potatoes and it annoyed me. Hahaha. Not when I'm hungry! Nice potato salad. Love the potato salad. Haha why am I repeating what I had for dinner? Haha maybe because I only had salad hahaha. To end the day with potato salad is nice. But to end the day with shitting is even nicer hahaha. Now my stomach feels empty and mother is cooking. Ok sleep farah. Another colleague of mine told me I've slimmed down hahahahha. That compliment feels so nice. Better than having orgasm hahahahaha. Errrr ok not related at all. But you get the drift.

Was a happy busy Friday for me, tomorrow will be another good Saturday for me! One week has past by without me even realizing it. Ok gotta wake up bright and early tomorrow yeayyyyyyyyy!

Selamat malam!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Alamak so many "e"

2011-12-09T01:18:00.002+08:00

And oh ya the coffee club outside H&M has really poor service. One hour of waiting for our drinks. Another hour for our food. Another hour for the cutlery. Another hour for the bill.

*time mentioned is not the exact figure but honesty it felt damn long and yetttttttt we can laugh through it all even when we had intentions to complain.

Mahani, I seriously think we are being too nice. Let's be fierce together ok and I can't wait to plan for our little get away yeayyyyyyyyy!

Little Miss Sunshine

2011-12-09T00:29:00.003+08:00

As sleepy and alone I am right now, I feel like I have to share my contentment and it's not fair that I only write when I am upset or being someone else. Haha. Had a good day today, its always fun at work. So many different people and with their peculiar behavior, it makes me smile silly every time I walk around the hotel. I guess I like the feeling of being liked so that's why its hard for me to get angry or raise my voice even when I'm annoyed. I would just suck it up, clench my fist and bite my teeth really hard. Haha or if there is a chance, i would shriek. You know that high pitched scream. Haha. Or i would go to the toilet, shake my head and punch the wall. Haha. I've never liked confrontations, I wont know what to say. Oh well.

Sometimes I laugh or talk to myself at work. Or sing while I walk to distribute papers. I'll smile at everyone and when they don't return it with a nod or a smile, I'll secretly curse them in my heart. Haha. Really, what is so hard about smiling? Not that i want your money what. Even when I don't feel like doing anything or get really sad, seeing people at work, the different races from different countries, the young and old, and I know that there is always someone out there who has seen worst days than me. The many hours of working hard to earn enough income for their family, or perhaps that lady who's laughing all the time (with whom I always enjoy talking to) is having some personal problems on her own. I won't know. Yet, they find happiness in all the sadness they might be going through. Everyone has their stories. Everyone has secrets.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel. We have got to have faith in ourselves and believe that there is a silver lining behind every dark cloud, look forward to the future and the surprises that are in store for us. 2012 is just a month away and I have plans to go on holidays, for a better year.

I am young, bubbly and sexy. And I always will be. Even if I'm old, wrinkled and fatter than I am now.
Because thats how I want to be. And that is how I am.

So there is nothing wrong in being happy all the time. Well, at least 90%. Heeeee. Still can't run away from having mood swings during my menstrual period. =)

The higher you climb, the greater you fall.

2011-12-05T22:27:00.002+08:00

As much as I am happy being with you, the sadness and the tears are wearing me off. I'm thinking, is it worth it? Even if it was a joke, the feeling sucked. Simple as that.

When I think of how hopeful I was, I felt stupid. A fool that has been fooled. Funny or what? Really, you think that was funny? Hahaha how stupid you made me look. Fuck you. I am so fucking angry, never have I felt so annoyed. Oh my god. This is such a foolish game. Now you tell me, how can I even be hopeful for our future?

Malam bulan dipagar bintang

2011-12-03T02:13:00.002+08:00

It's drizzling now, so cold and yet my heart feels warm. Had the norm, teh Tarik and late night supper. Endless jokes and full of laughter. Got the news that brother is making yet another trouble again. Was damn annoyed, so I lighted up a stick, two, three or maybe more.

With all the funny conversations we had just now, it was enough to end my night with a delightful contentment. Laughed at some people, but most of all laughed at Azly and his silly stories when he set the fire alarm at a mosque when he was 15. And for the whole twenty minutes he was telling the story, we all thought that he was only eight when he did that ridiculous act. Khai and his 106kg of bodyweight, wanted to lose weight but still steal people's food. Well actually we offered our leftovers la haha. Tong sampah mah. His Butang baju mintak ampun. Haha.

Now what would I do without them?

It's gonna be a fabulous weekend ahead and yeahhh I love Decembers! Gonna be a perfect ending to a wonderful 2011

I love surprises!

2011-12-02T00:35:00.002+08:00

Came home late from work today, infact I've just taken my shower. Had dinner with friends at work and fell asleep in the bus. I think I drooled because my mouth was open when I woke up. Almost missed my bus stop, woke up in time to press the bell and alight. I kinda think that my butt hit the lady's legs when I rushed to excuse myself. Oh who cares, she should have stood up and let me have a bigger space to come out. She should be thankful I didn't fart in her face haha.

I love the watch and I love you. *Can'ttouchthisdance* hahahaha.

Goodnight world. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!

On cloud nine.

2011-11-29T20:53:00.004+08:00

I have always loved taking the bus home because you get to see many different happenings in the bus and also on the road. I get to entertain my thoughts and this is the only time I get to daydream. So many eventful things have taken place these past three months and it has been one hell of an emotional ride. I have been the happiest as well as have gone so low that I don't think I could have gone any lower than that. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the reason I have been at the lowest point is because I made myself to be there. I can choose to be happy and be surrounded with wonderful friends and a loving family. I love to laugh, I love to see people I love happy. I love the energy of a happy surrounding and I hate to be sad.

Life is too short to be wondering about what ifs. We don't have all the time in the world to be scared. To be thinking of things that we do not have control of. I am not necessarily a nice person,I do bad things I'm not even proud of. But I don't regret it, I would probably regret it if I didn't kiss him on that night. It might have turned out differently, but would I then be happy? I probably would have missed the chance to get to know him. I would have not laughed as much and be as happy as I am right now. I would have not enjoyed work as much as I do now. I would have not be so excited to come to work and see the faces of my colleagues so early in the morning. The funny memories, the thousands of expressions we exchange, the cute little surprises, the dinners, the lunches and breakfasts we have together. The taxi rides, the journey in the train, the conversations we hold as we walk side by side. The silly games we play and the sarcastic remarks we throw at each other. The funny texts and images we send when we are apart. The movie nights, the car rides, and unfortunate incidents (losing an expensive car key and oh yes bought the wrong date for a movie). The chalet, the hotel stay. The dinner and dance. The walk to funan, to peninsula and the crossing of roads dangerously. The office nights and mornings. And all of these happened, to my surprise, in the past three months we are intimately together.

I want to be with him so much, so much so that I am not even thinking of being with anyone else, of being the perfect girlfriend or wife for anyone else besides him. I'll be giving everything that I have and probably so much more if we were to be together in the future. He tickles my heart like no one has ever done, and it beats faster every time that i see him. He probably wont know this but I will die for him. I will do whatever it takes to not see the little sadness in his eyes.

As I am reaching my destination now, I have not even shed a single tear. Hahaha. I have been smiling to myself throughout this journey and this has been the easiest post I have written so far. Because words flow like water. Like probably this was what I have been keeping to myself all along.

Big Bad Wolf

2011-11-27T17:12:00.002+08:00

Ok so I am forced to write something happy. Errrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Errrrrrr... Hmmmmmmmmm..................Okkkkkkkkk..Ermmmmmmmmm........

Wah so hard. Haha. Nevermind, I will just write whatever happened this weekend la haaa.. Well it was a nice relaxing weekend and as much as I enjoyed it with Smelly, I really wish that I could have spent more time with A. Because he is too handsome that I can never see him walk away from me. The most good looking man I have ever been out with, oh dear, I even dream about him almost every night. He is a perfect catch and I bet many girls are jealous I am out with him. HAHAHAHA. ERRRRRR YA.

Ok this is not a happy post, this is a ridiculous one. HAHAHA.
Anyways I was so sleepy that I fell in a deep sleep on the train. Because AGAIN my sleep in the morning got interrupted. Hahaha. But a pleasant surprise, damn he should have come dressed up in a Pizza delivery uniform or something hahaha. That would be an ultimate dream come true.

And oh ya, strangely mother invited A to brother's wedding without me even asking. She didn't even ask if any of my friends wanted to come. How strange is that.

This has been a nice rainy weekend, and I hope for more of these to come in future. ;)

In another life, I would make you stay.

2011-11-26T21:59:00.004+08:00

At the end of the day, I need someone to stay. Not to go away and leave me astray.

I can never write a happy post because as it is, my happiness will inevitably be short-lived.

Happy (sinful) Friday!

2011-11-25T09:15:00.002+08:00

I woke up today feeling so alive, not just because its Friday. This happiness within is something so indescribable that suddenly the morning looks so much brighter and it smells a whole lot sweeter. I got a very early morning surprise from A, and nothing beats the feeling of knowing that there is actually someone who cared enough to travel the distance and wait for you with so much sweat haha. Never have I expected anything out of this, out of him. Though he failed to surprise me yesterday (because I looked back and saw him) he tried again this morning and succeeded. He is such a funny funny man and whenever I look at him, I'm amazed at how incredible he is at how much sunshine he has brought into my life.

I can never thank him enough, for all the days and moments he makes me laugh. For all the times that he try so hard to see me smile. I am not going to take that for granted, I am never gonna allow a day of sadness in his life and i am gonna be hopeful that one day we will be together.

Ps: yeay! My first happy post hahaha;)

Delicious prata for breakfast and I am gonna order some kfc for lunch laterrrrr yeahhh yeahhh! Happy happy Friday for me ;)

Run for hope

2011-11-20T01:18:00.002+08:00

Coldplay's new song Is repeatedly playing in my head, Paradise. It is a lovely tune, especially when you need something to distract yourself from the complications of life. Besides the song which is constantly playing in my overworked mind, images too are flashing along with it. It's like some PowerPoint slideshow that I'm discreetly watching. Images of things I wish I had not seen. Of which had slapped me hard into reality. It has forcefully brought my head (which was happily up in the clouds) back to earth again. Never have I ever imagined myself to be stuck in the rut, to be a part of all these. I have gone against things I believe in, against the sanctity of marriage. It ached too much that I didn't even cry. Like probably im numb to all these emotions. Like probably I don't wanna care anymore. Like maybe I've given up. It was a painful rub in my face, showing me that this won't go anywhere at all. I'm losing my faith in love. I'm losing the trust in us.

I remember saying to myself that I've got nothing to lose in the end. Well, I'm taking that back now. I've got everything to lose; my heart, my dignity as a woman and my happiness.

The images are too disturbing that I would rather watch baboons mating. You were a mistake. This whole thing was a bloody mistake.
You looked happy in the pictures. You told me that you didn't love her anymore but I know you were lying. You kissed her like she is the only person that mattered in the world. Because I believe a picture speaks a thousand words. I'm not angry at you or anyone for that matter. I'm just frustrated at myself. For letting my heart do the talking. For leaving it in your hands. I want it back now. I want to keep it safe. And until someone like you comes along, then I would readily give it.

I have stopped believing. She wins.

Gotta run tomorrow, good morning! ;)

Zzzzz

2011-11-19T00:50:00.002+08:00

So finally we had a serious conversation in the afternoon. It was hard to talk without tearing up. Surprisingly I felt a bit better after the talk although he did not give much of an assurance, he listened and understood. He asked me what I wanted out of this relationship. Go figure.

The only way I can get out of this whole thing is when I get out of the place. And I know it will come soon. I just don't know when.
If only life was that simple.

Ok I'm sleepy now. Xoxoxo.

Cos I love the way you say good morning.

2011-11-15T23:21:00.003+08:00

These past few days have been incredibly fun. And i want more of these in time to come. Something happened on the weekend that I am not proud of. As much as I know that this would eventually end, I am still fighting whatever time there is. Since I know that time is going to beat me in the end, I might as well use it for now right?

I love you, more than I could ever promise. Look for me in time to come because I will be waiting.

Goodnight baby.

Drained out

2011-11-09T23:13:00.002+08:00

To be back home and see so many sour faces, it just
kills my mood. Have no idea why, what's happening so I decide to just take a shower and watch tv. Sometimes, its best to keep quiet and imagine the best of everything. Hate nights like these. I'm tired. I need some positive energy to keep me going. And times like these I need a happy sister. Ugh. And not some angry and moody one. Why do I always have to figure out what is wrong with you? Ok I think I just need to sleep to a better day. I have too much on my mind as it is. I want myself back. The laughing me. Goodnight.

Bittersweet

2011-11-08T23:11:00.002+08:00

That day will come. I can see myself crying in despair, begging for some help. I should end this. I must not continue on this uncertain path. I want reassurance and not just words. I am in no position to ask for more. Therefore, I would have to leave this. At some stage, I would have to. I am buying time here. God, help me. Give me the strength to. Give me the courage to. I don't know what to do. Give me some sign. Any sign. I want to be happy. I want to walk as freely, hand in hand. It's my fault. I knew what I was getting into but I was too weak to fight it. Please. Help me.

Heartlander

2011-10-30T18:04:00.002+08:00

As today is Sunday, and more often than not it's my laziest day of the week, I've decided to blog randomly today. I hate picking up calls on days like these because if I do, I would have to do some silly favor for someone. And I regret picking up the call haha. Ok that aside, I just came back from AMK Hub doing some heartland activity and buying things I dont necessarily need. I need to stop buying stupid things, as the things in my drawers are actually overloaded with stuffs I don't remember getting or using. Later I would have to clear most of it. And I'm dreading to do that. Sigggghhhh. I really should start saving. And I say that every month haha. But it never happens. Oh well money is meant to be spent anyway.

Anyways, as I was walking around alone (it's kinda nice to shop alone because I can get all the stupid things I want without anyone to stop me from getting it) I was kinda reminded of helmi. Everywhere I went, I thought of all the moments where we would joke about the uncles and aunties. Indian men and family. Like how he used to pull me out from all the accessories shop and telling me not to waste any more money. Telling me ive had enough already (how can they ever be enough, need to match with other clothings mah). Then I would always argue that this is what I work for and should deserve something nice. That will be when he will tell me I'm materialistic. Lol. And we would argue and joke about it. Like how he used to kiss me on my cheek whenever and wherever. Like how he tells me I smell nice even if I don't feel I do. Like how he would roll his eyes when I tell him I feel like eating something soupy. Like how he says I'm troublesome every time and that he doesn't know why he loves me so. Like how we would walk home together. Those are the moments I cherish because he does not get to send me home all the time. And I can't complain. I would have to ask him to send me home. Because money was always an issue for him and I would tell him I can pay for everything even his bus fare just so he can send me home. But he would refuse. And I would be left taking the bus alone.

But I loved him. For all the efforts that he put in. For all the times I needed him.

I really hope he will find someone deserving like how I have found mine - officially.

;)

Somewhere only we know

2011-10-30T00:36:00.004+08:00

I am in a happy place right now. I do not want to be anywhere but here. Spiritually and mentally. I'm ready to face all the challenges that await me. And if I were to run away from all that, just pull me back or chase after me. Because I'm pampered that way. ;)

Has been a nice Saturday. No Halloween parties and what nots. I'm in comfort of my own bed, the chills of the night breeze. I love it. When I'm in my own world, when there is no one out there to judge you (besides God, of course), these are the moments I look forward to at the end of the day. No craziness, no nothing. The time of the day when I can be at ease with myself.

Time to sleeeeeep! Goodnight sayang, someday I can say that to you in person. Possibly a quick kiss too! ;)

When night falls.

2011-10-29T02:59:00.002+08:00

Its three in the morning, lying down on my bed after a good dinner and movie. Eyes are kinda heavy but probably I should share something before I sleep. I am thinking of you every second of the day; even when I shut my eyes. I miss you when you are away, I miss you even when I hold you tight in my arms. I love you. I love you with all my heart and I'm begging you with all of my might that you don't go breaking it.

I will always have my past with me, and they will remain in my heart forever. I love all the bittersweet memories that I carry, I love the fact that I was with helmi for the longest time. I still love him, deep in my heart I will always do. He is a great lover, friend and a great companion. The sleepovers, the unhealthy supper, the late night jokes, they mean so much to me and I promise I will never forget all that. Thank you for the sweetest of memories and I wish you well.

Now, I wanna create new beautiful memories with you. Let my past be the stepping stone for a better present and perhaps a greater future. I do not know what is in store for us and I wish I knew all the answers. I can either wait or bail or find someone who can promise me a future. Because as of now, you can't promise me anything and I won't want you to. Whenever you said "when the time comes", I would answer silently, with a question " what if it doesn't?"

Goodnight my love. I love you and perhaps that is all that matters.

The Side Order

2011-10-02T20:27:00.003+08:00

Now I am starting to write all over again. The only time I start to write is when my mind is in knots, when my heart is in despair. The only way I can ease these nagging feelings. And that is of course, to write.

I don't even know if what I'm doing now is morally right. I wish it could have turned out differently. And now I am just gonna be the side order in a meal. You know, the french fries or salad. I can never be the main course, that I understand. But for how long? I can wait and be patient, but what am I actually hoping for?

To be with him, to be the main course in the meal? or probably just the desserts?

It is already a month and I am feeling the ache, that I can never be with him. He is married now and you know its really a sharp stab in your heart. No matter how much I tell myself that things are gonna be ok, that I know this is going to happen. But who wants to be the third party in a relationship right?

He told me to have faith in him, to believe that one day we would be together. But really would we? What about his wife? What about his family and her family? What about the 13 years that they have been with each other? I can't be the evil person to break all that. Even if I love him. Even I want so much to be with him.

I know I should not have gotten involved in this in the first place. I could not help it. Because he is really the perfect man that I wanna be with. To spend my entire days with. There has to be something amiss in this situation. Why the feelings developed out of a sudden?

I am wearing the prettiest necklace he bought for me which I do not deserve at all. I am starting to have doubts about us now, something that I don't wish to have. Everytime those doubts arise, I hold the necklace tight in my hands just so that I can feel that what we have is real, and that he remembers me wherever he goes. And everytime I receive a text from him, I know he does. :)

Maybe I will wait for him, maybe I should have faith in him. Because at the end of the day, I would have nothing to lose. I am going to risk it all for this love that I have for him.

Well you know, sometimes, the french fries, salad and desserts turn out to be tastier than the main course. ;)

2011.

2011-01-03T17:47:00.005+08:00

And then its 2011...

Been ages since I last logged in, been ages since i took the time to ponder about my life. I have re-read some of my previous posts, smirked at some and laughed at others. It has been a hell of a ride, one that I will not want to rewrite.

Through this awakening process, I have learnt, fallen and risen. I have shed more than a few buckets of tears, laughed resoundingly and lived like there is no tomorrow. It has been a bittersweet journey, a journey that has taught me to stop and ask for directions. I have paved different ways, albeit the choices I was left with, and I have made it thus far.

It has been a year of hiatus, because 2010 was a breeze for me. It was a happy year for me, the year was filled with sunshine, lesser gloomy days and the breeze was really to my liking. I have learnt to love in more ways than one, I have changed to suit the temperature, appreciating the finer things in life. I have friends who hated that year simply because things never did go their way. It was otherwise for me. I loved 2010.
I love the way it began, and how it was stormy in the middle part of the year.
The way it ended? Hate it. Another break up, another heartache, another sad long days ahead.
And I know 2011 was not going to be a definite good year for me. Maybe God is fair. You take some, you lose some.

I have not really dealt with it just yet. I have not broken down, or done the things I should be doing after this break up. And I want to be doing the things I should be doing - NOW. I want to feel sad, down and broken. I have taken some time to reflect but I have not felt the ache. I think healing is a process that no one goes through it similarly. Clearly for mine, it starts in the later part of the stage. And I happen to be in the denial stage.

Yes I could have stayed, I could have handled the situation at hand in a more tactful way. But I was scared. I didn't know what to do. What if he had walked away instead. What if he had. Could I have handled it? Could I? I would have begged him to stay. I would have gone down on my knees and did the stupidest thing ever. I didn't want to go back there again. I have gone through it umpteen times. It hurts. It really hurts when you have knocked your head against the wall, and all he could do was to yell at you.

He could have asked me to stay, if he had loved me that much, if he had wanted me to be with him. He could have asked. He could have called out my name if he had wanted to. He didn't have to let me walk away. He could not have decided that quick. I wanted him to meet me half way, that was all I asked. I wanted us to compromise. I know how to cook, i know how to be a wife. If I were stranded on an island, I would find mean and ways to survive. Isnt that how life is? You know what to do when the situation presents itself. I didn't question him anything. I didn't question on his tardiness, on his petty ways of getting angry at the slightest thing. I didn't question him leaving me all alone in the rain, while waiting for the bus. I didn't question him watching a movie with his friends, without having the slightest decency to ask me. Do I mind that even if i didn't question him? Of course I did.

You see, I let things go easily not because I am an ignorant person. I let things go because I don't see us fighting over things that do not matter. At the end of the day we love each other, accepting all the flaws we carry. I hate fighting. It wears me off. It weakens me.

I raised my voice, but you left me for a good couple of weeks. I was rude to you, but you didn't turn up on my birthday.

So there. Maybe that is why I have still not cried. Maybe I have finally, stood up for what I believe in.

I will let nature takes its course. In my life, in this year - 2011.

My world would be a better place...

2009-11-18T15:30:00.002+08:00

...if I did not have to work. It would be much better if money is not needed to experience the simplest pleasures in life, say travelling. Sometimes i do not get the idea that we have to work to earn income, just to spend it, and then earn it back. Won't be so simple if we did not have to pay for anything we want?
In other words, won't it be uber cool if money is non-existent? Wishful thinking, I know, but hey its my world.

I don't really have anything to complain and whine about actually. The world i live in is already a comfy place. With willow trees, my own creation of fictional characters playing around in Victoria's Secret Garden, and the smell of pear glace attracting the butterflies flying around so freely.
I would be extremely happy if people do not chase for material things to content them. I do not yearn to own expensive things or live lavishly, i just want the simplest things in life to make us happy. Somehow or rather, this contentment is something i do not feel 24/7. It would be really amazing if i could be forever thankful with the things that i have now.

My world would be so much better if i could sit back and learn how to appreciate these little happy things that people tend to forget.
Like playing with your hamster, laughing at her silly antics and pet her to sleep.
Lke walking in the rain, drenching yourself while crossing the road.
Like playing online games with friends, discussing about killing zombies and finding ways to complete a stage.
Like having a teh tarik at kgc til the wee hours before being shooed away by the owners.
Like sleeping in on a rainy day with your loved one.
Like loving yourself, growing old but not growing up.

There are so many inexpensive things in life that could make me happy.
I just need to learn to be thankful and my world of fictional characters and victoria's secret garden WILL be the best place on earth.

:)

Mint Chocolate Chip Ice cream on a cone.

2009-10-14T16:39:00.002+08:00

I cant really describe what is happening now. It feels wrong but it feels so right at the same time. I know im putting myself in the line of fire, the fear of getting the disagreement nods from others. My mind is wrecked but yet at ease. I dont feel exhausted mentally anymore. I wake up feeling so rejuvenated and alive, like nothing else matters anyway.
I hope to God that this feeling will last, not just another of those phases that I have previously faced. Ive met someone new and really, im loving it.

:)

In my heart, thoughts and prayers.

2009-10-01T16:06:00.002+08:00

How To Let Your Ex Go

Most people had relationships in their past that didn't work. Most people have at least one such relationship that is very hard to let go of. This is the one that got away, but shouldn't have. This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love yet just would not work. How do you let go of a relationship like this?
When your partner in that relationship was at his or her best, he or she met all of your needs. He or she was the perfect fit for you. If he or she could have been that way with you 100% of the time, rather than just sometimes, you would be in the relationship still. The times he or she was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for that kind of love all of your life.
Here was a person who could meet your needs the way you have always wanted. You knew he or she could, because sometimes he or she did. But he or she wouldn't. You wanted to make, force, remind or talk him or her into it. You did everything possible to make him or her be the way you wanted 100% of the time. You may have asked him or her to go to therapy. You used all of the tricks in the book you could come up with to evoke the behavior you wanted.
Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserved better than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment to your ex lingers. It lingers because you never succeeded in making him or her fulfill your needs completely. It feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex would have given you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, he or she did give it to you some of the time.
It is not easy to move on to another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to believe you will have such love and passion with anyone else. At the same time, it is hard to trust that you will somehow avoid hurt the next time around.
Another thing that keeps you hooked into that relationship is anger. Anger arises when someone has something you want but won't give it to you, especially when the giving of the thing would seem to be the natural or the expected thing to do. You are justified in being angry, yet anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way.
There is another reason why it's hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With him or her you had an incredible connection. Maybe he or she loved you intensely. He or she may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he or she could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you. It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And it is more difficult still when you interact with the wonderful, caring side of him or her. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you will ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart.
It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn't care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to is not willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this past partner. So how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?
The first step is to understand that your partner would have given you the moon and the stars if he or she could have. Even when he or she appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, he or she was always doing the best he or she could. Understand that he or she never intentionally hurt you.
To let go of your past relationship, you will first need to forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that his or her behavior was not your fault. Understand that all that he or she did, the good and the bad all together, comprise the totality of this person. Sometimes he or she was wonderful and sometimes he or she was horrible. And all of the time he or she was the person you cared for.
There is no way you could only have his or her good side. Because you were connected to the whole person, you had to experience the bad side as well. His or her bad side was hurtful, and in the end the bad outweighed the good. Since the bad side was a part of the package and could not be changed, the whole package had to go.
Secondly, do something to honor and cherish the true connection between the two of you. In fact, you may need to honor that connection for a long time. There was a wonderful part of him or her, a loving and nurturing part. There was love for you; there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.
How do you honor the connection to your ex? Honor your love and connection in prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and in your actions. Use the gift of the connection as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future partners.
When you are ready, send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss him or her, send him or her your love. In this way you can still love him or her, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from his or her hurtful behavior.
You may be hesitant to do this. You may be afraid that it will make you go back into the relationship with your ex. But understand I am not saying your ex-partner will change and become more of what you wanted. Most likely, your ex will remain exactly as he or she is, at least as far as you are concerned.
The reason to honor your connection is not to somehow bring your ex-partner back. Instead, by honoring the good of the relationship, you become free of the anger you feel towards him or her. By honoring the gifts he or she gave you, instead of focusing on what he or she did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude.
Remembering that your ex came as a complete package, combining the very good with the intolerably bad, will give you the strength to not go back into that relationship. And freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you the ability to move on and deeply love another person.
If you need help: If you are having trouble letting go of a relationship, I can help you in a private Advice & Coaching Session. I guarantee that you will experience more peace and clarity, and less attachment towards your ex.

By:
Love Coach Rinatta Paries

Cremation.

2009-09-08T15:28:00.002+08:00

7 Months, that was all it took to date someone else. After 3 and a half years of a bittersweet relationship, after saying that no other person is going to make you feel as loved, after all the intimate moments, and all it took was merely 7 months for you to get over it.

WHY AM I ANGRY AT THE SITUATION THEN WHEN I WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED IT TO END?

I don't know, I can't explain myself anymore. I just feel so betrayed. So stupid for wanting a perfect relationship when i myself cant make it work to perfection.
I am just angry at the fact that you could start to love someone else already. At the fact that you did not wait for at least a year to get over our relationship. At the fact that I am still hoping for myself to change so we could make it better.
At the fact that i still love you.

4 years taken away to realise that I would end up in this sorry state.
So much for the crying and the begging and the promises.
So much for everything.

I have deleted you off from my contact list, from my day and night dreams.
Goodbye, i shall never speak of you again.
That, I promise.

I wanna travel,i wanna travel with you.

2009-09-08T09:38:00.003+08:00

"Just so you know, I'm dating someone"
My heart broke. Expression changed, mind stopped thinking.
I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like Izy said, "It sucks".
So much for the wishful thinking. So much for thinking that you would probably wait.
Why the foolishness?

I have stopped believing.

Thank you friends, for just being there. For just being the way that you guys are.
Its time to do some soul searching and self reflecting.
But before I do that,
let me just wallow in self pity first.

Ramadhan,goodness over evil.

2009-09-03T10:07:00.005+08:00

We are already two weeks (almost) into Ramadhan, and the irony of it, I have not felt the Ramadhan spirit yet. It seemed so different these years, now that I am much older. I remember it was not as sombre as this when I was back in primary school or secondary school for that matter. It was much more grandeur and special back then, in which you could feel the joyous spirit and the incredible aura that was spread across the Muslim community.
This year, it feels like I am forced to fast. Like I fast because everyone else is doing it, like the meaning of this pristine month is lost in the wilderness of this modern era. I read up a few articles on Ramadhan, dating back to when it first began, on the reasons why we Muslims should adhere to the one pillars of Islam, it seemed rather intriguing.
As a Virgo, I would always want to find the logical meaning behind every action and so that was why I embarked on this unprecedented journey to find the most logical reasoning.

"O who believe, fasting is decreed for you as it was decreed for those before you;perchance you will guard yourselves....The month of Ramadan is the monthin which the Koran was sent down,a guidance for the people,and clear verses of guidance andcriterion. [Quran: Chapter 2, 183] "

In this article, it was cited that Fasting is, among other things, the best way to learn how to attain piety.
I believe Fasting has its unspoken perks, from what I understand, this is the month when we get much closer to GOD and his supremacy, observe closely at the great wonders of the universe and its creations. Pray and listen to his teachings, because we as His humble creatures are the ones who are going to reap the benefits eventually. We are abstained from doing things that are not condoned in his teachings.

But then again, the ultimate motive of reading through the article is to find the logic in fasting.
And i could not find any.
What logic is there starving ourselves from dawn to dusk?
I dont think its much of dieting because in the end, you tend to overeat(mind is saying "you didnt eat the whole day so this is the time for you to feast on good food").
What logic is there when you are specifically instructed to fast because its one of the pillars of Islam?
Because i believe praying 5 times a day is also another pillar that makes you true a Muslim(but how often do you see people religously doing it without complaining of not having the capacity to set aside 5 minutes of his/her time)
What logic is there, contrary to poular belief, that fasting helps you to save money?
You can save money on any other day on any other month. Fasting just prevents you from buying lunch. Then what about the break of fast?

I could not find a good enough logic on why we should really fast. Maybe those who have found them may like to share with me and I am happy enough to listen.

Needless to say, I am not against my own religion or frown upon the act of fasting. In fact I, without any doubt, love this month of Ramadhan. I can boastfully say that its my favourite month out of any other islamic month. I love the spirit and the camaraderie that is established in this month. Knowing that the Muslims across the region break fast at the same time upon hearing the 'azan' (call of prayer), it makes me feel like I belong to the world, like I belong to Allah.

It is my belief and faith in Islam that I fast. It is this faith that supersedes all logical reasons, commands beyond considerable doubts, that I fast year after year since I was about nine.
And without questions i shall continue to fast because as it is,
I live To obey Allah's injunction.

P.S: I will obey the second pillar (praying 5 times a day) when i have it in my heart to fight the demon within me.

:)

A little something.

2009-09-02T12:12:00.002+08:00

"You are longing for a little love and tenderness. At present you are feeling very sensitive and need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You don't need any further stresses, strains or arguments so take a deep breath and relax.
You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that 'special someone' and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society.
At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.
The tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to physical and/or mental frustration. It would appear that you are not appreciated and as a consequence, the situation is most disagreeable. You seek personal recognition and the appreciation of others to compensate for the lack of like minded people with whom to ally yourself. You would like to surrender and merge with others but your inherent self-restraint makes it difficult for you to open up. This disturbs you as you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You want to be liked, admired and appreciated for yourself.
You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality."

And I shall not deny it.
Go ahead,try it for yourself:
http://goldinuniverse.com/

:)

Without a lunchbox.

2009-09-01T12:18:00.004+08:00

Dark clouds are dominating the skies now, with the possibility of seeing me drifting off and going to sleep. Almost everyone in the office has gone down to get lunch, I should have followed but Im just too lazy to make small talks with random people.
I am not fasting today because (you know why) and I am pretty hungry. Maybe I will get something quick to eat to fill these little hunger pangs. I am sure most of the food is probably gone by now after the ravishing animals have gone to pounce on them.

I am waiting for them to come up so I won't have to coincidentally meet them halfway. Too bad there is only one way to get down to the canteen and that way is through the ELEVATOR.
Maybe ill go down at one and see whats left. See if the animals are kind enough to leave me some food for me to salvage.

I am bored. I need some life in me to keep my body mechanism working.
Too bad I cant whine to anyone because that anyone else has also some problems to whine about.
Its good that I have you.
But its not good that you cant hug me now.

All i need now is a blanket,a few pillows and someone familiar to snuggle with.
And if i were to given a choice, i would choose that over a million dollars.

:)

Gravity Rides Everything.

2009-08-27T11:34:00.007+08:00

I seriously would like to think that the reason you did not wish me anything on my birthday yesterday is because you still can't find it in the corners of your heart to forgive me rather than you actually forgetting that it was my birthday. But whatever it is, both the former and the latter reasons, make me realise that it is actually time for me to eradicate the last three and a half years of memories shared with you. Backspace the events and destroy it in the recycle bin.
WELL this was what i wanted anyway. To begin with, i ALSO did not wish you anything on your birthday because (well i had my silly reasons).
And if that was the third reason you did not text me, oh well, then its time for me to doubt your maturity.

I dreamt of you after sahur,and in that dream of mine, we met up. We talked about some random things and and then we held hands. I took a glance at you, and putting my pride aside, i hugged you tight. You whispered to me that you loved me, and i smiled replying the same thing too.
And funny, it just ended there.

But I digress.

I had an amazing bday celebration yesterday. With my 3 very best friends and my incredible sister celebrating with me on my special day, i feel like nothing else matters in the world.
And that was all i needed and asked for.

I made a wish before blowing the candles on the dark chocolate sumptuous brownies.
Among other things i wished for, I wished for your happiness.
And for once, please Dear God, grant me that very one wish.

I am looking forward to Saturday, because then everything will fall right into place.:)

You said move on, where do I go?

2009-08-25T12:06:00.004+08:00

" You're like an indian summer in the middle of winter, like a hard candy with a surprise center"
And that song is stuck in my head ever since this morning.
My lips have subtly turned blue due to the extreme low temperature in the office, and my hands are numb making it a challenge for me to write.
Fasting while working in this cold condition is extremely hard, not that i am complaining about anything. Its just that time seems to stand still and even if it does progress, it does ever so slowly. I refuse to look at the time on the bottom right of the screen, lest i would be disappointed with the digits i see. But, when I do ocassionally glance, it saddens me.

It amazes me on how strong my immune system is. With this kind of icelandic temperature(feels like im living in an igloo), I am not surprised if i ever do fall sick. Well,thanks to my immune system then for fighting off the bad viruses that,i believe, has invaded my body every now and then. If only I could trade it to a super high metabolism,wont that be nice?

Tommorrow is 26 August 09. I love birthdays. Just not mine this year.

Chicken pau now,tomorrow have to puasa liao.

2009-08-21T10:03:00.002+08:00

Oh no no no no no.
Tomorrow is the start of the fasting month, the month of Ramadan. I am quite anxious about it but then again, I am not prepared at all. I do not know if the reasons I am fasting is solely because its the norm for Muslims to do so or I really want to do it because it is one of the pillars of Islam.
In Islam law, there are five pillars in which we, who are religiously abiding or just conforming to the religion because we are born to it, have to abide.

And you know what else, go and find for yourself what are the five pillars.
Okla i wanna eat my pau.

And aifah,please.
BE STRONG!

I have not been good this year.

2009-08-19T11:06:00.003+08:00

It is my birthday next week and strangely i am not looking forward to it, the very first time i am not hyped about my special day.
This year's bday,to me, is like any other ordinary day.
Is it because i am getting older?
or is it because i know i wont receive a present that i want so badly?

I have called up Sakura International Buffet and reserved a place for the 29th of August.
And the only present that i am wishing for is you.
I am not asking you to come,because i know you won't.

It is just nice wishing for something you won't get.

Then again, my bestest friends will be there no matter what.
I am contented enough.:)

There is a girl in my mirror.

2009-08-17T11:38:00.004+08:00

I really do not know what to do to forget things. I have tried to keep myself busy with my daily activities. Talked and laughed with friends but these unhappy emotions still do not want to go away.
How does anyone do it?
Should i meet and make new friends?
Go on random dates?
Do other interesting activities?
Stay away from everyone?
Pray?
I am really sad. I cant even face myself. After all, I am thought as a happy person, a person who shivers when listening to friends talking about mushy stuffs.
I am like that,but the irony of it, i wanna feel like that. I wanna feel that i am needed in someone's life,like i am loved. I wanna receive love notes, i wanna hear those lovely sincere words from someone.
I feel like i am betraying myself, i have no idea how i became like this.
I want to cry so bad,but i know i can't. So many reasons why i would have to hold my tears everytime.
I tell myself everyday to be strong, to look forward to finer things. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be.
I am embarassed,with myself. With friends i am surrounded with.
With you i am still holding on to.

Its the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.

2009-08-14T11:16:00.001+08:00

Dear Crazy thoughts,

Could you please kindly find your way out of my mind?
You are seriously driving me crazy. I need to wake up to a beautiful morning thinking about my life rather than yours.
So please. I am exhausted,you are everywhere in the spaces of my mind,you are just filling it up.
Let my other thoughts have the space to play. Do not hog them,be thoughtful of others.

I am begging you to go away. Please.
Helplessly asking you crazy thougts to disappear.
I am not entitled to do anything about it,
so please go.

Yours,
The carrier of crazy thoughts.

Wishing tree.

2009-08-11T14:17:00.002+08:00

Too much,too little words posessed to describe the fine details of the happenings last weekend.
I can safely say that it was one of the best weekends ever this year.
The smell of sweat and bbq smoke,the taste of deliciously marinated chicken and burnt hotdogs,the perfect homely cooked bee hoon and the spicy squid,oh and the creamy rich sinful sumptuous cupcakes(I AM CRAVING FOR THAT NOW!),and the beatiful people who came to ravish all the food,the steak and the marshmallow,the wine and the beers,they are just too wonderful to be forgotten.
We talked under the starless sky,by the quiet pool,laughed too loud in the wee hours of saturday morning.
Took alot of awesome pictures on our nation's b'day.We went to the railtracks and then to Mount Faber to catch the fireworks at night.
We were happy,we were really.
Maybe i will upload the pictures here for myself to see,for my future self to reminisce.

But in all that happiness and laughter and sweat(been really hot over the weekend),i wish you were there.
Secretly,I wished.

Then again,wishes dont come true that easily.
And why is that so,I wonder.

Pear Glace.

2009-08-11T10:48:00.003+08:00

I feel so tired today,like what I really need now is the beach,the sand the clear blue skies,the untainted vast ocean,with the sound of waves crashing in while i lie on the colourful mat listening to Lenka or Jason Mraz or Britney Spears or Jack Johnshon or anything at all with a glass or lychee martini on my right side,a subway sandwich and a jumbo hotdog on my left together with my book,a funny chick lit book in which i can smile pretty underneath my beautiful framed shades allowing the sun to burn my skin till it stings and then closing the book for awhile to bask in the serenity of the island,shutting my eyes to pay attention to the rhythm of the beats being played at the bar harmonising with the gust of freshly scented wind telling myself that this is where i should be,where i should stay,where i should never leave.

Shallow Marshmallow

2009-08-07T13:32:00.002+08:00

As it is, I am not smart. I try to be,though. Or rather, I act smart.
I can't stay focused on one subject,my attention span is pretty short actually.
Sometimes,when people talk to me, I do not know what to answer.
Cos most of the times, I am afraid they won't get me. I cant form a proper sentence neither in english,nor malay. I would use singlish to explain things,or to get a point across.
And when they dont understand me, I would say "NVM la". Effort is never made,too plain lazy?
Yes,probably.

I get interested in things easily, but also to lose it quickly. Lets say, I find the outerspace,the orion,the cluster of stars, the auroras, the history of mayan civilisation fascinating BUT that reading up on those things to feed my acute thirst for knowledge will last,say 5 minutes?

The thing is,i am shallow-minded (notice i didnt insert "quite or pretty" before shallow) because I know I am,sadly I have to raise the white flag and admit this.
I do not like to think,it exhausts me. I say and act without taking a good few seconds to think. Like a pencil which is not sharpened, I can,too, be considered that way. BLUNT.

I think simple,like all the preceding examplary entries i made, I use basic english words.
Nothing too hard,for you to copy paste the word and google it.

Henceforth, I am not deep. I dont understand poetries and the meanings behind it,although I understand art is subjective. Literature is not my forte, even if i love the subject so much,for me to say i suck at it.

So there,I am a dimwitted,not-so-bright-but-i-think-i-understand-you kinda girl.
Period.

For 4 more hours. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK.

2009-07-28T13:42:00.002+08:00

It is lunch break now 15minutes to two.
And i have no idea what to write or what to do.

Oh no.
It is only tuesday,
but why do I feel that I have been here forever?

Get me out of this misery please.
4 hours more until I can meet Mahani and laugh my heads off.
Keep me sane,dear God,
before I get so lame I wanna kill myself.

HAHA.
Ok whatever.

Smell of soap and everything nice.

2009-07-27T21:16:00.003+08:00

When I said that "I do not love you to an extent.." it does not mean that I do not love you.
It basically means that I have not gathered all my courage yet,to be with you.

I have found my Luke,just that they all do not know.
Its a secret,that will stay safe and locked in my heart.

Goodnight.
And rest well,my love,wherever you may be.
Whoever you might be.

Please wait.

2009-07-22T16:47:00.005+08:00

There is not a day gone by that I didnt think about you.
Your presence so strong, I cant bear to ignore. Sometimes, when I think about your or the way you smile, I shut my eyes.
I imagine the day that you forget me,my name and my face,
I imagine how I would feel then.
The thought of you moving on,and going out with an unfamiliar face,and holding the hands of a stranger,irks me.
I should be happy,should not i be?
If that day were to happen,and you have found what you have been desiring all along, then why am not i even in the slightest contentment?

They say it gets easier everyday. They say alot of things too. They say i deserve better. They say he is not a good person. They say this and that. And i forced myself to believe it.
In fact I did believe then,and if you ask me now,I still do.

It is really getting easier,because I have adapted to the silence. I have made friends with myself,and I have started to trust in all the little things that create happiness.
But.
I miss you.
I miss all the secrets that we share, and I miss the late night jokes we tell.
I miss calling you, to tell you to watch a funny programme on tv.
I miss receiving your texts in the mornings, to merely tell me that you had hotdog for breakfast.
I miss your deary mother who had always made me feel like I was part of the family.
And above all that, I miss all the promises that we made for the future.

Funnily enough,I do not love you to an extent that I want to call you and tell you all these.
Or make my way to your place to seek your forgiveness.
Or do anything for that matter to make you mine again.

Perhaps.
Because I know,
that somewhere deep and within me,
I do not needyou as much.
I do not want to sacrifice all of my freedom now just yet,to be with you.
I do not want to deal with the fights, that come along with the comfort of being with you.

I am not ready to face the difficulty of being in a relationship. The setting aside of time and sacrificing of my interests, I am not likely to do all that now.
Because I cant promise that I will not hurt you again, I cant promise you happiness and the world.
Hence, I am trying to let you go for now.
I will look for you in time to come,when I can at least promise that i will make you sleep with a smile on your face every night.

I hope to God that you won't forget me, my name or my face by then.
Or creating a new life with another stranger,sharing secrets and telling jokes while walking down the streets.
Or holding her right hand when she is carrying her bag on the left.
Or telling that you love her, whispering to her that she is your life.

I will change for the better,
but maybe just not now.
Selfish as this may seem,
I am merely asking you to wait.

Animals are my best friends.

2009-07-13T14:12:00.003+08:00

Its after lunch now,and oh God,I feel so heavy and sleepy and tired for no apparent reason. So that explains the entry now, to basically keep my eyes open and my mind at work. I have nothing to do now besides waiting for phone calls and experimenting with Windows Movie Maker.
Not that I hate office job, its just that there is no one to talk to. About other things except work.
In fact i kinda like it,cos I have my own private space and no one can actually disturb me or there is no need for me to make small talks.
Maybe all I need is some loveeee.

And I love the zoo,i love the baboons and all the animals in it.
Ive decided to become friends of the zoo.
Because i think that the zoo is a perfect place for me to unwind.
The animals dont judge you,they are just there with you,regardless of anything.

SIGHHHHH.

Coconut Trees.

2009-06-26T16:14:00.002+08:00

When someone dies,only then is he or she remembered by people. Its really uncanny isn't it?
Michael Jackson died this morning,and people suddenly started playing his songs and give the most heartwarming tributes. What happened when he was alive?
Really,Humans are the most horrible horrible living creatures to grace this planet earth.

And me,I am starting a new job this Monday and why is that i am not overjoyed?
Is it not what i really wanted?
HA.
Again,not only humans are horrible,they make things complicated when things are really that simple.
I need some love to feel happy.
And maybe a cigarette to fill this small hunger pangs.

I am on a diet,mind you.:)

Prententious Saturday.

2009-06-06T15:40:00.003+08:00

I pretend not to care,and I am funny that way.
Everyday is a struggle for me,and i pretend that its not there. I pretend that everything is stupid and ridiculous and uneccessary. I pretend that love and relationships are redundant,that you wont die without them. I pretend that my life is going to be better without any commitments.
Without anyone to restrict me.
I pretend that it doesnt matter,that no one ever takes me seriously. I pretend that things are going to get better,but are they?
I pretend that being unhappy is somthing weak,something you show just to grab attention.
I dont like taking naps in the afternoon now because I want to be tired and sleepy at night so I can pretend that I am not lonely. I pretend to be asleep while dreaming I am somewhere else.
I pretend to be this person that i am actually not,that i am actually wasn't.

The truth is i care. I really care. Alot.
But you know what,I am just going to keep pretending.
Just because its easier that way.

Bed Bugs And Heartbreaks.

2009-05-22T01:23:00.003+08:00

With rashes on my both arms,and exhaustion that comes along with it,I cant say that that i did not enjoy my trip in those 3 asian countries.It was indeed a good trip,something that i will not trade for anything else in the world:memories.The one week that i was in vietnam,cambodia and bangkok,i have learnt something that i would otherwise have not known.How the young ones succumb to begging,how they can be very persuasive in order to get that little amount of money from your wallet.Desperation is the one thing that drives them to do all that.As much as i got tired of them invading my space and peace of mind,i asked again,what choices do they have?
In a country full of corruptions and poverty,what is there to look forward to?

I have met and talked to the locals along the way,and its funny how subtly they try to get sympathy from you.And being a human,with a heart,you obviously tend to fall for their trick.
Especially the tuk-tuk drivers,the stories they tell,the meagre amount of money they make in a day to support their families,how could someone not give them at least an extra dollar?

We got ripped off in Ho Chin Minh,didnt know a 5 minute drive from the market to our destination could cost us an estimated 50 singapore dollars.There was no way out,as the cab doors were locked,and I was strangely scared.The driver cheated us,and we did not do anything.
Because why?Because we were in a foreign country with cultures we were not familiar of.

There are so many things that I want to write,to share my thoughts with,but it hurts to continue.To remember the details,and the painful things that took place.
I lost my ear stud,and everything else along with it.

I am thinking of happy thoughts,thinking of a new place i could go to.
See you soon,Nepal.

Five colours in my hair.

2009-05-01T11:12:00.002+08:00

I cant think when im excited. I only can think when i am sad,down and out.
I only get inspired when i cry.

And when all is said and done,im going to have a 2 weeks vacation.
Something that i really need to revitalise my soul.
I will take good pictures,keep everything within my heart.

London,Milan,Ho Chin Minh,Cambodia,Bangkok.
I will see and embrace you.Very very soon.

I love the ulcer on my lower lip.

2009-04-22T00:03:00.003+08:00

I am jobless,broke and strangely i did not regret my decision one bit.

Money somehow does not make me happy.
Rather,it makes me greedy.
Now i know what they mean.

Cheers to good life for now!

Trouble is a friend.

2009-04-09T17:32:00.002+08:00

My arms are aching now,when was the last time i exercised?
I went for a swim,and weirdly it did not only make me feel good physically,it made my mind much clearer.
It felt much better than blogging,than ranting what nots in your diary.Its just that the first step to exercising is such a pain in the ass.And that is to get off the comfy couch.
Im looking forward to the 16th.To my freedom at last.But the money.How am i gonna inform father?
Mother was nagging,but she did not understand.To think about it,no one actually understands how you feel inside.What you are going through emotionally.Except yourself.
You can tell your close friends,they can listen to you,they can give useful advices.
But they can never feel what you feel.
I know its such a stupid thing for me to do and quit the job,i sometimes think to myself too.Why give up so easily?Why so weak?
I think its not about that.Its just that i don't want to struggle anymore.I don't want to force myself to like something.
I don't want to stay just for the sake of staying.I know in the end Father is the one who is going to carry the burden.I feel bad.I feel useless.
I wish i could just get the money now.Do anything to get it without troubling my family.
I cant turn to anyone now.Where do i go from here?

Oh please.
I cant wait to go on my trip,and never come back.

You think?

2009-04-09T00:31:00.002+08:00

Bond letter came. Was under mother's name. I intercepted it. Amount was $2756.11,i think.
Now,im stoned.

Could i just rob a bank?

Is he in the bathroom,or just smoking outside?

2009-03-30T01:16:00.003+08:00

I caught a movie earlier in the afternoon with someone i knew over the net. The outing turned out to be surprisingly good. Movie was awesome. Vanilla latte was just right. Dinner after that was great. The conversation we had while having our take aways(mcdonalds)in the middle of east coast park,was indeed refreshing.

BUT why oh why do i feel something is missing?
Like something is not right?
Like i am thinking of someone else instead?

Goodness gracious me.

2112.

2009-03-25T14:31:00.004+08:00

Life is all about making decisions. After given a certain number of choices,you decide. You decide whats best for you,you decide if it benefits you in the long run,you decide under forced circumstances.
There are many decisions I have made in life that have got me wondering on the why's and the how's now. Why did I blatantly agree to it?How did I actually got to the idea of doing it?
A friend told me that sometimes you decide on impulses.But how can you decide on impluse when you have already been proposed with choices in the course of a good sufficient time?
Then again,mabye the decision is made because it seemed that it was the best choice out of so many others and the most appropriate at that present moment.

I am at an age where i believe that there are many other opportunities out there for me. I can do things that i want if i put my mind to it. I am willing to learn and i dont whine when i have to work extra longer.I just cant stand the fact that i have to drag myself to do something that i don't like doing. For what?
Why do something if it doesnt give you the ultimate sense of satisfaction?If it doesnt make you happy?
I know realistically,life is not how it seems to be. You work because it pays the bills. You go to school because everyone else is doing it and you want your name in that list of honor roll. At the end of the day,whatever for?
Ok,back to being practical and realistic:Money,Fame.
I cant argue with that,obviously.

Decisions are,as i believe,define the outline of your future. You make a wrong one,you can still edit the structure by presenting yourself with new options. However,if you stay put,and still want to be stuck in a situation whereby you dislike,then just prepare yourself to die a painful death.Slowly and surely.

I have decided to forgo the idea of being practical. The idea of being timid. I want to decide on things that matter to me,that will bring me somewhere in the near future. I have made too many wrong decisions in the past years that i want to redeem myself now. Be it relationships,be it school,be it career. I want to eradicate my indecisiveness,and start deciding on my future.

Another friend of mine also said to me: "The consequences of our actions change the course of time"
It simply means that if i have not made those wrong decisions,I wont know the exact feeling of being in a relationship,the hurt and the joy that goes hand in hand,the enjoyment of hanging out with good girlfriends back in the polytechnic,and most of all the new friends i have gained and loved when working in this company that i regret joining in the first place.

But nonetheless,ENOUGH with the wrong decision making already.
It is time for me to do things that i love,so i could stop whining everytime i think of work.
To hell with that $2,664.

A taste of Marriot Courtyard,Phuket.

2009-02-03T12:01:00.002+08:00

Arrived in singapore yesterday, minutes after noon.The feeling sucked,I tell you.When you have been away for a few days,coming back home is always a dread.Phuket was a lovely place(minus all the mama shopkeepers of course)such a nice island to unwind,coupled with good food and good company.
The sun in the tropical island of Phi Phi was not kind at all.It burnt my body,especially my back.I could not lie down easily now.How very mean.Nevertheless I had a good time lying half naked in the sun,beside my best girlfriend who was fully naked,except the lower part of course.Lucky she had that little one percent of dignity left.Haha.But still I love you babe.
Mr A.was lying too but not under the sun,he was under the BIG UMBRELLA......

I dont want to be here.I want to be somewhere else.There is nothing to look forward now.

Roger federer lost,and i cant bear to read the news or see him after the match.
I cried too.I cried about many things.
I cried about the emptiness ahead,about the situations i am stuck in.

I pray for better things to come.

Escape.

2009-01-19T13:57:00.004+08:00

We all have funny dreams.Dreams are actually events that you have been thinking of subconsciously.I love dreams.It gives me the ability to be someone else for awhile,to be able to do something that can never be done in real life,it gives me that freedom of being someone i am not.

To seek for owns happiness is to sacrifice someones elses(the apostrophe on this keyboard is not working,so ya).Or maybe three or four others.
I have just finished the book by Jodi Picoult,My Sisters Keeper.It was a really good read.One i shall never forget.It taught me things that i could actually relate to.About sacrifices.About happiness.About realising that life doesnt revolve around you.And above all,making the right decisions for yourself.Not for anyone else,but yourself.

The thing about reading is that you can spend a few hours being somewhere else.Its like an escapism.You escape without doing it physically.You escape from many things.From the noises,from the silences,from the reality.

I want to be somewhere else,to be somewhere rather than here.To a place where I know no one.Or vice versa.To be able to hear different sounds and see strange things.
To be alone without being lonely.

I want to escape.
But then again,dont we all?

2009.

2009-01-04T14:04:00.000+08:00

i am not good with my words or actions.
i think with my mind then i evaluate with my heart.
i need to further cleanse my soul.
and ease all the unwanted tensions.

i read a book yesterday which was given as a gift.
in it there was a quote which i could very much relate to.
--I was trapped on a wheel that turned endlessly on the same theme--
i paused,i stared hard into an open space.
i started to grief.

first day of 2009, i received a mail.
it was from someone i had not seen or talked to for months.
i knew i would have have to read it.
and honestly i was anticipating the content.
my heart beats fast,my soul was lifted for a minute.
if i was alone at home,i would have given a loud wail.

by thinking with my mind.
i know i would have to move on.
but after evaluating it with my heart.
i know this is never going to be easy.
uncertainties and doubts arise.
and,time shall pass.
i am not going to be fine.

end of january,i cant wait.
to go to a place where peace and serenity only exist.
guarded with my two very good friends.
here we come,oh the lovely island of phuket.

to that sender of the mail,
it really hurts to read it knowing that is not real.
the last phrase that you wrote.
it was so overwhelming,i felt silly.
i know i should not believe it.
because people do change.
feelings as i have witnessed it,change overtime.
i hate you,the very thought of you.
how you avoided and without saying anything,
you bailed.

i am a sucker for you.
you know that.
but i cant do anything now.
i cant be begging for the good old days to come back.
i have someone who loves me now.
i dont love him as much.
however love itself can be nurtured.

i pray for my happiness.
and yours too.
i love you.
for the person that you are.
for the man that i could never be with.

The cry in the mourn.

2008-11-23T13:19:00.005+08:00

Sudden flashbacks and thoughts and bittersweet memories have motivated me into writing this entry.About the love lost,gained,friendships shattered,renewed and found.
Before you know it,the year is coming to an end.

Fairytales, rainbow of seven colours,the light at the end of the tunnel.All of them have beginnings and happy endings.
But it is not done just yet.

There are things I have done this year that I regret.How one wishes that he or she could turn back the time and had taken a different path.I could whine and grimace and I know it is never going to change things,so therefore I only regret,I am not sorry.I was never and I am not.
People falter,I falter.I was lost in the moment and in that I learnt and found my way out.
I picked myself up after I fell but the wound is still there.Its invisible but dear oh dear ,you just never know its healing within.

I have lost some good friends but they say [when one door closes,the other opens].But for my case,[one door is slightly ajar,and the other is wide open].
I have not lost them completely but I have lost touch.Maybe I have lost myself.I got lost trying to find them.Or maybe I was hiding when they are looking for me.Maybe just maybe.
I remember them but sadly I think they dont.Maybe all these while I am finding excuses to blame myself but what if,in the end afterall,i am not to be blamed.
What if they are the ones who abandoned me?

You see,friendships to me are important.It is essential and needed.I do not have to have lots of friends but a few good ones would be really wonderful.

(continuation from yesterday)
And then I have nothing more to write.My inspiration has been sucked out by my acute boredom.The silence at crowne plaza plaza now has drained my thinking capacity.
To think that I am actually paid for this.
How fabulous.

My wonderful leisure day.

2008-04-15T11:24:00.003+08:00

Today is the third and the last of my off days.And to think about working,going back to the same routine tomorrow evening is no fun.I hate working,no matter how interesting my job seems to others,or how much free time i am privelleged,I still dread it.I dread the long and straight journey to work.I dread the unfriendly colleagues i am going to meet,and most of all i dread the loneliness i sometimes face due to my lack of social skills.
Now then,why in the world did i get this job as a customer service officer,knowing jolly well that i do not know how to interact well?
Well,shit does happen sometimes.

However,I do not regret getting this job.I enjoy the perks of it.I enjoy the random off days because its something you look forward to and it can happen on any day.The uniform cuts half of the time getting ready,cos you dont have to sit on the bed and stare at the pathetic collection of clothes that you own,and then pick one of it to wear after a good half an hour.

I have nothing much to complain anyway(except for the occassional foot aches,thanks to the heels),and even if i do,there is nothing in which all the grumbles and whinings can do since im bound by two bloody years.

So I would have to suck it up and hope that the two years would pass as quickly as when you are having fun,etc:my off days.

BIG BIG BIG DOUBLE TRIPLE SIGH!

It sweeps right through...

2008-02-05T15:55:00.000+08:00

I love being alone.I dont have to act nice,I dont have to succumb into doing favours for anyone and best of all,I get to do things that no one can see.I can entertain my own thoughts,I can sit and stare at my handphone for as long as I want.No one will ask neither will they think i'm pathetic.

I am single now,I should be happy I am free.
I SHOULD.But am i really?
Now,don't get me wrong.I am happy.Like I said,I can do anything I want to.I can just refuse to go out if I dont have the mood or I can lie to my friends im sick or busy or simply tired.
Maybe the reason why I think I am not happy is because I am lonely.
At times.Like now.
Therefore,this is the time I have to and NEED to overcome this loneliness on my own.
The irony of it.
Overcoming loneliness alone.

I am alone,yes,but i still have my tv,my cigarettes and myself with me.
So nothing else matters,anyway.

plain jane.

2008-01-18T16:33:00.000+08:00

I am not in a proper state of mind.Ask me why.
then again,dont.For i have no answers to anything at all.
These past couple of weeks have been crazy.Mental.I shall not disclose anything first,because that will take the fun out of everything,my bland words are not going to do any justice at all.

The descriptions of my temporary escapades are BEYOND ordinary plain words.
Enough said.
And a cute haircut at that.

the earthy rainy mood.

2008-01-04T17:05:00.000+08:00

It is raining cats and dogs now,my all time favourite weather.
How can anyone not love rain?
It makes you so comfortable,so snuggly,and the smell just reminds you of how beautiful the world is.Whenever it rains,i have the tendency to curl up on my bed with my cushy pillows and just smile.Not doing anything,but just smile.I feel like a little girl all over again.
And then I will look out of the windows,ill just imagine myself standing there on the road spinning myself,looking up at the gloomy sky and grin.A wide wide grin.
I love rain,it has the effect of making you feel loved and needed and wanted.Its like you know there is someone out there enjoying the rain and feeling the exact same thing.You will never feel frustrated or irritated at the slightest thing that gets on your nerves when its hot and sunny and humid.Rain never does that to me,or anyone for that matter.(i hope it applies to all too.)

Today is such a pretty pretty day.
I am meeting my girlfriends later and some random people.
I cant wait to see those girls,those girlies who are going to make my day even more wonderful than it already is.

And come Sunday,i am off to Taman Negara.I mean WE are off.You know who you are.
I am ecstatic.No,thats an understatement.
I am sooo excited plus that nervous feeling,'its-gonna-be-a-hell-out-of-adventure-i-cant-sleep-i just-want-sunday-to-come-quickly' kinda feeling.But maybe i'm over-exaggerating.
Oh what the hell.

I thank God for my happiness,my friends and everything that I need.

Now,I shall get ready,and smell nice for my girls.

My Resolution And Friends.

2007-12-30T14:32:00.000+08:00

My Resolution for this coming year:2008.

1.)Get a job
2.)Go to the gym religiously
3.)Get into SAA by July
4.)Be a more patient person
5.)Be more decisive

Bla blaa.
But since i know that my resolution has always gone unachieved,screw that list.
Now,lets make some time and talk about the people that are so dear to me.Who have always been there,through the misunderstandings,laughter,the bad times and also the good times.
These are the very people who make me wiser,more sensible and have kept me rooted to the ground.
So,lets get started and not beat around the bush shall we?

Mahani:
She is,first and foremost,my very best friend and without her,my life will never be the same.We have been friends for over ten years and she is the person who knows me well enough,to know what to say at the right time and never fail to lift my spirits up high.Shes the girl of laughter,I can never get enough of her jokes and I always yearn for more.The one girl who is so humble,full of heart and generosity,the right person to go when you are at the lowest point of your life.
I love her so much,and our friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me.And with a friend like her,you can never go wrong in life.
We are going to celebrate this special bond that we have by going on a trip together and it is going to be incredibly fun!

Fadillah:
A girl full of hopes,dreams and aspirations,who possess a strong character.Tough as nails,I shall add.Who doesnt sell herself out,doesnt shortchange for anything else,and sticks to all the decisions that she makes.Always there when you need her,her presence is comforting enough,and without even saying anything,you know that everything is going to be alright.She speaks with conviction and even though we dont meet often,I know that I can always talk to her in other means.A person with substance and she happens to be my best girlfriend.I love her I love her.

Daya:
Gentleness and kindness are the two obvious traits you see when you look into those beautiful eyes of hers.With those two positive traits,its no wonder she is my bestfriend too.She does not bear grudges and even if you want to hate her,you cant.You just have to love her.She even forgives anyone who has ill intentions towards her or even hurt her.But of course,I bet she doesnt have any enemies,because she is the sweetest thing you can ever find.She is the person you need to be with to get in touch with your inner self,and just with that warm smile of hers,she can heal a wounded soul.:)

Khai:
Ah.With the perfect sense of humour,he can make you laugh like crazy.Every word that is uttered,is so funny even if it doesnt make much sense.Accompanied with those comical expressions,he is the funniest person I have ever been with.I can never be sad around him,I don't even know how to be angry at him.He is also the person to hang out with if you are hungry.He is a good companion for your meals,because the dessert after that is his endless jokes and you can never get bored being around him.He lights up my days and nights and I love being with him,even if he can irritate the hell out of you sometimes.

Azly:
The nights when we chill together,the sarcasms that we throw at each other,the misunderstandings,the breaking up of friendship,the dislikes of each other's characters,but despite all these,he is my pillar of strength.Though not the best person to go to when you are emotionally distraught,he is, however, the very person you need to listen to.He offers sensible advices,and he is an individualistic.More often than not,he doesnt listen to anyone except himself,but when he listens to you,he really does.A good person within,he is my good friend for more than 5 years.And still,going on pretty strong if he doesnt take off again,that is.

Helmi:
A person whom I loved once,and the man who has taught me so much.About life.About myself.Though things did not work out like how we want it to be,he is the person I cherish the most.He has a good heart,and with that I know he can live life the best possible way.With abundant talent and so much passion for everything,I wish him well and I hope he has pretty much moved on and let things go.He has been there for me,through the process of gaining my maturity and will always be the person I think of before I go to sleep.
But for now,I think its time to stand on my own two feet and just hope for the best in future.

Khartika:
Full of wisdom and wittiness.She is the best comforter and with her words,you will tend to put things in perspective and wipe that tears away.She told me once,that whenever you are sad and down and feel that no one in the world cares about you,just shut your eyes and go to sleep.Because tomorrow will always be a better day.You will wake up to a brand new day and that sadness you were with the night before will disappear.I have always held on to that till this very day.I wish we could have more time together though,without my brother there.So I can talk to her for hours and hours and hours.

Faezah:
The sister I have been with all my life.With a sister like her,what more can i ask for?
I love her to bits even though I dont say it verbally.:)

Yes those mentioned are the ones I will not trade for anything else in the world.Not even a million dollar.
hmm 2 million dollars maybe.:)

With much sincerity and truthfulness,I have talked about my dear ones.
I love them,the memories and everything else.
But can I just have one point fulfilled on my resolution list?
The first one,and that is to GET A JOB.

as i am drinking my cranberry juice.

2007-12-27T14:15:00.000+08:00

How time flies.Really.And before you know it,we are actually embarking into the new year.
2008.

A year has past and within that same period of time,a few eventful things have taken place.
Things that I do not expect to happen,actually happened and things that I expected,sadly did not take place.
Well it was never in my hands,to begin with.Fate.Destiny.and all that jazz.

I love the experience that I have gathered,learnt things that I know can never get elsewhere.
All these emotions within me,I have decided to let it go.I have laughed.I have cried.I have loved.I have hated.I have been to the extremes,but of course not to the extent of foolishly wanting to kill myself.
But most of all,I have learnt to move on.

It was not an easy process I must say,the only thing that I need to overcome is myself.Now I know my strengths and my weaknesses.And I am going to use that as an advantage.I have my weak moments but whenever those short moments occur,I shut my eyes and go to sleep.
Because,like someone told me,tomorrow will always be a better day.
And yes i believe that.

Stupid Warden.

2007-08-01T14:06:00.000+08:00

Life is, indeed, beautiful!

And it could not get any better.
Except for one parking ticket.....
$100, wasted.

Bloody.

Nightlife

2007-07-24T16:30:00.000+08:00

Animals are the prettiest living creatures on planet earth.
They beat humans hands down.

Ladies and Gentlemen,boys and girls,
Welcome to the world's first Night Safari.

walk a mile in my shoes

2007-07-20T10:30:00.000+08:00

I had a really good talk with atiq last night,sitting by the pool under the midnight sky,with no stars in sight. We discussed about life in general.The gain and loss of friends,the troubles that we sometimes face, relationships that tend to get annoying, and the happiness we both get at the end of it all.

And we have come to a conclusion:
Ultimately,its my choice,and no one can ever decide that for me.
If any unhappiness were to cross my path,in the near or distant future,
let it be my mistake.

I am happy in my own little way.

swimming

2007-07-19T20:55:00.000+08:00

I am totally stuffed.Just had late dinner,was not really hungry but the steamed fish really tempted me to a point that i could not resist anymore.Today was just another ordinary day. The love is working late and i MUST call him later.Of course,to hear his voice and hope he is doing well in his office.
Did the usual thing today.Sent my sister to work,fetched my mom from work,went to visit grandma,drove mom home and off to meet one of my bestest girlfriends,fadillah,to have some random chats and then sent her home.
Her french pal awaited her at home.So bloody fun!
Well,im just too lazy to elaborate further.

I'm going to have a swim with my new found friend,and now we have become the bestest,and she happens to be my brother's current girlfriend.

So catch ya later!

the start of a new beginning.

2007-07-16T12:30:00.000+08:00

It has been awhile since i last updated this blog.Three months since the last update?Ha.
So here i am,infront of the tv,trying to enjoy powerpuff girls but failed,going through blogs,reading on others' entries on their daily lives,i could not help but to think,what actually happened within the last three months that i literally went missing?

I came across an old friend's blog and somehow,for whatever reason,i regretted actually reading it.Perhaps,the nasty things that he wrote, indirectly, about me. I said indirectly because my name was not mentioned but,i promise,it was me that ex-friend was referring to. You know,its sad to call a friend an "ex-friend" when I,myself, have never believed in disowning a friend. No,wait,it was me who was disowned.

I choose not to believe that i have taken the friendship for granted, in fact i vehemently disagree with everything this ex-friend said. What right does he have to say that everything i had was an icing on the cake?that i do not appreciate the finer things in life?
I know I would always confide in this ex-friend whenever I was faced with problems,or when i could not get practical on the whole idea of life,but what had he lost?
Was it time?was it money?was it his saliva?or was it his trust?
Then i would ask again,what trust?
I was not the one who went missing. I was there all the time. I was even thinking about our friendship almost every single day. So,do not solely put the blame on me.
I am not angry or even close to getting mad. I am just disappointed. And definitely sad.
Whatever happened to that cheers of friendship we had a few months back.

But i am happy with the way things are now. I can devote all my attention to the other half, and not think about the importance of friendship.
I can count the number of friends that i have and i am blessed with the love i have gathered along the years.
Now,i shall not be bothered with others and their lives or the thought that friends are for life.

My childhood friend is the friend that will always be and foremost cherished.
I love you,Hani.

And to that ex-friend of mine,
thank you for the sweetest of memories.

The oath.

2007-04-23T21:20:00.001+08:00

A quick update on what has been happening on my side here:
My cousin's wedding went pretty ok,although things that we did not expect to happen,happened.
Do not wish to elaborate on it because there is no point bearing any grudges.
WELL OK,my sister and I actually missed the solemnization ceremony.For a very silly reason.
And that was to fetch my uncle at Tampines.
HA.So for that,we did not make it in time to actually cry,to weep to do all the things cousins and families do when one of their beloved family member or relative get married.
Oh but i did cry for the wrong reason though,when I found out it was over.

The wedding dinner was chaotic.The number of guests that turned up was more than that in the guests' list.The cars parked on the driveway were messy.Our tables were taken up by unknown guests.So on and so forth.

Nevertheless it was a beautiful night,adorned by the chandeliers and the decorations that were put up by a team of dedicated people.My cousin looked like a million dollar on that sultry night -minus the 35k wedding ring that was on her finger.HAHA.IDIOT.The diamond is big la.

The celebration ended in style,a perfect kickstart to their enchanting married life.
I wish them well,maytheygrowoldtogether.
Haha.

And yes I have been busy with my neverending project.
Sighs.

PS:I had a super super weird dream yesterday night....

Picture Perfect.

2007-04-11T14:34:00.000+08:00

That tranquility,and the idyllic scenery,with the bright shades of colours,the divinity of the whole atmosphere,the loud silence piercing through the fresh air,the sweet smell of infinite freedom,the waves crashing in,bringing many stories and dreams along with it,the vast sky covering the uncertainties of life,the shafts of golden sunrays illuminating the place,enhancing the vibrancy of everything,the green leaves dancing, following the rhythm of the breezy wind,the fine grains of white sand,making the place look so flawless.
The perfection of this beauty,it deserves so much more.
And somewhere in that picture of perfection,lies a glimmer of hope.

That is where I want to be.

Like a stone.

2007-04-08T23:49:00.000+08:00

I am back with the ex and I myself do not know if i really do have doubts about it.

Maybe its for the better.Maybe its time to forget my wants and focus more on my needs.
Maybe he is the one who actually sees and listens.
Maybe I don't give a fuck about anything else.Maybe I should put aside everything else.

When i get what what i need,but not what i want.
I am stoned too.

nicotine and caffeine.

2007-04-05T10:28:00.000+08:00

Ive not been updating my blog as I have been busy with my project.And my effort has come unnoticed because apparently its not up to the standard that my supervisor has set for me.Well,I second that actually.Haha.I dislike the outcome of my hardwork.Not that I spent the whole day doing it.Asked zizie countless times regarding the templates and the flash animations.Practically everything la.Maybe I should just spent a few good dollars on her and let her do it for me.Hmmm.A good thought,isnt it?Haha!
So how pretty zizie?Haha.

I cant wait for the 28th.Something exciting is going to happen.Ha!

And I just realised that coffees and cigarrettes are the two causes for my daily morning visits to the toilet.
Yes,first thing in the morning.

Ugh,have the feeling i'm going to visit it again now.
Haha.

The List.

2007-03-30T10:22:00.000+08:00

Friday.
Here are the things that I want to do and might probably do during the weekends:
1.)Wake up late on saturday,have a super good rest.
2.)Sleep again
3.)And oh ya,continue sleeping
4.)Make plans,go out,have dinner or supper,chill around,think about the future
5.)Go home,sleep again.
6.)Work on Sunday.
7.)MIGHT start editing my project.
8.)Oh,maybe TV.
9.)Make stupid jokes with my sister.
10.)And pls refer to points 2 and 3.

Basically,thats the gist of it.About the current phase that I am going through.
But I believe its not going to be like this forever because I know I am going to be an established career woman sometime in the future.So until then,I would have to go through hardship in order to be in the TOP 10 of the most successful woman below the age of 40.HAHA.

I am in a chirpy mood today.
HAHA!

Flashy.

2007-03-27T17:52:00.000+08:00

I have been good today.Did some research on flash animation,was impressed by some of them but since this school of mine is a miser,I can't start doing it just yet because,apparently,Flash 8 is needed to create most of the nice animations.So,there is no Flash 8 installed here,only the old version which is the MX Professional.

Now my leisure time at home would be taken up to do all these.
Such stupidity.

Not straight.

2007-03-26T17:40:00.000+08:00

Frankly speaking,I have nothing to blog about although I actually have things to share,I choose not to because my fingers are doing its job without thinking.I am actually not thinking right now,just typing this out to waste these few minutes that I have left.I might potray myself as being senseless and stupid but oh well,think all you want because its only now that i dont't give a flying fuck what you are actually thinking because I,myself,am not thinking straight.So yeah whatever.
But I repeat,its only now that I don't give a two cents worth on what is in your mind.After this entry is done,I will get depressed if anyone were to call me a dumbass.Yeah I am that useless hopelessly sensitive,so call me whatever you want now,and be quick because this is going to end.
To whoever that is reading this,you people are the most intelligent people on earth.Because I know there are only two of them and you both know who you are.
Thanks for the time,you two can go to bed now.I will see you two in the secret garden in my dreams.

And right now,I am thinking of that dream,how silly but yet delightful it was.
Shall not think about it now because it is time for me to get the hell out of the hell here.

HAAAAAAA.

yaaaaaaaa.

2007-03-26T09:20:00.000+08:00

It was a decent weekend(not that I often have indecent weekends haha.)The reason being,me and my sister actually went out with our two 'not so young' cousins,haha,on Saturday.So I was practically their driver,fetching them here and there and head to the various destinations.

And we had sushis at Sakae Sushi for dinner.Although we had to wait for about 40 minutes just to get a place,it was all worth it.Of course,I sat beside the conveyor belt and I had the honour to pick all the sushis i wanted.All kinds.Haha.

Then we went to Arab Street to meet Yanty and friends.And bla bla bla.
Was working on Sunday and then met the boys at night.

And I am getting tired,so when this happens,I stop typing.
Hahaaaa.

Willl be backkkkkkk.....yaaa.

No Red Bull

2007-03-23T17:02:00.000+08:00

Another half an hour,and I am famished.

Yes,thats all.
No food,no energy.
HAHA.
So yaaaa.

Appeal

2007-03-21T15:51:00.000+08:00

Just to make matter worst,I lost the appeal format letter that I really need to refer so that I could write one to the Director of this school.

I do not know where I placed it and due to my absent-mindedness, I would have to write on my own because I am afraid to ask for another one from my supervisor.I am sure she is going to nag at me if i confessed my stupidity to her.

Haha,but things are getting much better now for me,as I realised that this is not the end of the world.And I am not going to be like that girl who cried until her face was swollen and then go home(she might prolly do something unwise)

So ya,things are really looking up to me and I only have myself to blame.

And I appreciate for that comfort you provided.
Oh you know yourself.

jfjdsfjdasf.

2007-03-21T10:22:00.000+08:00

This has been one of the most suckiest mornings and I don't wish to elaborate on it.

I have disappointed myself again with my results,and I do not have any choice but to suck it up now.

Just to soothe myself,I kept saying this - There's always a blessing in disguise.
If so,can you stop disguising,and show me what lies beneath that mask?
Please.

Aha!

2007-03-20T16:27:00.000+08:00

Yeay!(not trying to act cute whatsoever,haha) I have finalised on my template and I must say its pretty.Haha.To me,that is.I am quite happy with it actually,so I am not going to think twice and change it again.Because I just might do that.But NO!

So,I have added the contents and everything but not the graphics because I don't have it yet.I must take pictures of the hard disk and not steal it from the website(its something to do with copyright or something like that.Whatever.)

I am quite pleased now,so let me bask in these few moments of pleasure and congratulate myself.
Haha.

Warming up.

2007-03-20T09:01:00.000+08:00

Such a beautiful day it is,and I wish I could make full use of it instead of sitting here right before the computer,typing about random things.
Results are out tomorrow and I am petrified.I don't show it but YES I am.
Have so much to do today,I would have to finalise on my template and by tomorrow I could really do the content,add some graphics,beautify the animations and there I am all set.
But if I don't procrastinate today,I might just be able to do all that.
Haha.

I'll be back.

Hmm.

2007-03-19T13:29:00.000+08:00

I know I have been blogging excessively but I seriously can't help it.The atmosphere is so dead here and I need something to release all these inner tensions I possess so I guess blogging is something therapeutic for me.I don't know.Whatever.
I do not know what else to do with my project because I have done as much as I could and I am just waiting for my supervisor to give feedbacks.
Truthfully,I am not satisfied with it because compared to other companies' website,mine is completely nothing.An amateur,they might say.But I am trying to add things here and there just to give some spice.Ugh.
I miss my handphone and I could only get it back on Wednesday.Such incompetence.Telling me that the stock isn't there and all that.Blah blah.
Haha.
Well,on a brighter note,I have got 4 hours and 20 minutes to go.So that isn't bad at all.
Am just thinking now,how to waste those few hours away...

Monday

2007-03-19T08:59:00.000+08:00

Maybe the things that I really need are right here before my eyes.I tend to look beyond that and hoping that I would get what I want.
Maybe its not about what I want,maybe its more than that.

I have been too selfish but yet I like the way things are.
What am I feeling?
Honestly,I do not know.

Oh,I guess its just Monday Blues.

The weekend.

2007-03-19T00:38:00.000+08:00

What a confusing weekend!
But I am just enjoying the ride,for now.

My mind is already set and I am not going to let anything get in the way.
Time will tell.

Ugh.Back to school tomorrow,but strangely,I am excited.
Haha.

Oh my.

2007-03-16T16:57:00.000+08:00

Oh yes,i forgot.My spectacles actually fell from the 5th level to the 2nd level(don't have to know how,its silly).
And it miraculously survived.
So I have come to a conclusion:
My spectacles is more reliable than my dumbass handphone.
Idiot.

Oh mandy,oh mandy.

2007-03-16T16:03:00.000+08:00

About half an hour ago,a girlfriend,D,showed me a poetry given by a guy she is in aquaintance with.And the funny part is that it is in malay.Haha.I spent a few good minutes reading it and trying to comprehend every word that was meticulously handwritten.Not that i'm trying to humour the Malay language but somehow I felt like laughing at the ridiculity of it all.
Haha.Maybe because I did not feel the exact way she felt when reading it.And I can't remember what it was about.Something like,'Whenever he takes a step forward,she will take two steps backward",and try to translate that in Malay.Haha.
I should try to feel it,shouldn't I?
D is such the girl-next-door kinda girlfriend and I enjoy talking to her despite the fact that she speaks very softly.
And she let me listen to her malay songs,I told her maybe i should start listening to all the slow soppy malay songs too(yeah right,haha.)

But I shall not be bad,afterall I am a nice person.Haha.
What do you think?
:)

5300

2007-03-16T09:03:00.000+08:00

I do not have the mood whatsoever to talk about my handphone.Just looking at it now is really heartbreaking.Silly me,for putting it in my back pocket while playing the game 'Twister' yesterday and so yes,shit happens,I fell down on my butt and so...ugh.Seriously,ahh!

Never mind about that,I shall go down to Nokia Service Centre later and they better do something about it.This is such a bummer.

I have to get over this soon because it is useless looking at it,I do not have the magic powers to 'cure' it.AARGH!

Ok,now i MUST stop scrutinising the handphone screen because I am so tempted to just throw the handphone on the floor.

I can't stand imperfections,really.

After Lunch Treat

2007-03-15T12:41:00.000+08:00

Back from lunch,and I'm all set to continue my project.Had prata,and it was delicious.Tried cheese prata and it was extra delicious.Haha.Have got to eat that tomorrow.

And now thinking about the BBQ organised by Starbucks-US,I am dreading to go.I am just too lazy to socialise with people whom I find very hard to communicate with.They all speak the same language and I do not understand it most of the times.Their jokes are not to my liking,their actions are not what I was brought up to comprehend.
I can only relate to some of them,a meagre amount though.Maybe I should try to join in their small talks and get to know them better.
What I have I got to lose right?

Speaking about communication,I do not get it why people talk using funny words.They alter words here and there(specifically Malay language)and at the end of every sentence,the word 'Sial' MUST be inserted.Is it really neccessary at all?I understand that expressing anger with that word is acceptable.But not when you do it after every few seconds.
Complete idiot.
And another thing about spelling-since when is the word 'YOU' suddenly became 'EUU'.
Seriously,even if you want to show the cuter side of yourself,please do not annoy me.

Goodness,someone enlighten me on this,please.

P.S:Should check out the song 'Way back into love' by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.
It is beautiful,I promise.

On my own

2007-03-15T08:51:00.000+08:00

Here is the thing that i realised yesterday while i was on my way home:
I do not need other people to complete me.
I am the master of my own decisions,my own life.

In the end,I have got to face God alone.

A friend in need,is a friend indeed

2007-03-14T08:45:00.000+08:00

Friends are there when you are so high above,so in control of your life,so extremely happy but where are they when you are down and out,when you are on your knees emotionally unstable,begging for anyone to just come and give you a listening ear,I ask again where the fuck are they?

I am not generalising my friends here,but what hani mentioned in her blog is definitely true.I have quite a small amount of close friends and I love them to bits.What really bothered me is that this particular friend of mine.A friendship I cherish has soured over a short period of time,over that night I had no control of.Yes,truth be told,M,was there for me whenever i needed someone to pour my heart out,but does friendship really measure the amount of help that is given?
Does friendship mean that you can just ignore when they,for one night,become so uncivilised?
Does friendship really mean nothing at the end of the day?
Does friendship dictate all that?

M can tell me how M is always helping people,how M is always the middle person,and how heartless M can be.But for whatever reasons,M,should have never said those things in the blog.
It has brought me down so low,and it has just destroyed everything.

And,now,let me move on and just be contented with the fine little things that I have.
I have lost my faith in M,and that can never be retrieved.

Hani,thank you,for accompanying me yesterday.You cracked me up and I love you for all the times you made me laugh and see me for who I really am.
Thanks again for all that years of friendship, and nothing can ever beat that.

A very good day

2007-03-13T08:52:00.001+08:00

Early morning,and I would have to stare at the computer yet again.I am getting used to the routine though,so it is not that bad actually.But I am sleepy(what's new right?).
Well,at least Justin is here to accompany this morning of mine with his incredibly sexy voice.Haha.

I feel so much better today.Like nothing can stop me from smiling today.Haha.And there is this chinese girl,S, sitting on my left,who will immediately turn to look at me whenever I am looking at her way.The funny thing is that I am not sure if she is really looking at me,because her right eye says otherwise(oh,if you know what i mean).But she is nice so I can't say anything much.

And another friend of mine in this lab confided in me about her relationship with her boyfriend she has been with for 7 years.The first thing i said "You are really a patient girlfriend",because somehow i reflected her story to mine.So she told me about everything,about how and why she quarrelled with her boyfriend and its funny how she managed to say something good about him at the end of every sentence.The only thing bad she commented about him is that he is hot-tempered(i mean,who is not right?)Although sometimes she wants to end it,she holds back.Maybe its the years they have been together or maybe she just loves him.
So i asked her next,"Do you see yourself with him for a very long time?"and she hesistated.
Her reply after a few seconds,"If God is willing to let us be together,then yes."

I pondered about that and stopped after a few minutes after telling myself not to bother about these frivolous things.I am not going to be emotionally involved because the last time I did that,I got myself distracted.

So yesterday's dinner was fabulous.So was my family.Haha,it was a farewell dinner before my brother starts to serve the nation in Pulau Tekong this thursday.Everyone was talking about bringing lots of underwears and stuffs along that line.Haha.I turned to my sister and said"Finally he is going". But oh,I am going to miss him nevertheless.
Mom was talking non-stop as usual.The longest she held her silence was 27 seconds.Thanks to my sister who actually timed it.
But it was a good dinner,after our stomachs were so filled,we left.

And yes,my brother taught me how to do this thing with the car.You accelerate to 4 or 5 RPM and realease the clutch immediately.And there would be a screeching sound.
Yeay!I am definitely going to try that.

Such a good day for me!

P.S:I had a funny dream yesterday night.
:)

ha!

2007-03-12T09:11:00.000+08:00

Today is the start of a new week and I hope it would be a great one.

Thanks Khai,for really making me see things so much clearer.It was a breather going out with you and whoever doubts his good intentions is a total moron.He is such a good friend,the best of any kind,a good listener,more of a brother figure to me.

Now,emotions distract me and i shall proceed with a much better focus.
After all,things don't get to me easily.

Just fuck it.

Weakness

2007-03-10T19:47:00.000+08:00

I need a holiday to fine tune my emotions.
Because right now,I do not know what I feel anymore.

It is too deep a cut,too numb to register the pain.

Oh what the hell,times like this make me vulnerable,
and I detest it.

Tomorrow shall be better.
Have a good Saturday!

Something Random

2007-03-09T13:08:00.000+08:00

Random notes keep falling out your mouth.
And how I wish it was something else..

Music and lyrics was adorable.
So was Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.
And so was everything else...

Today is his 20th birthday.
It is bringing everything back.
The bittersweet moments.
And all the pretty things..

When you get what you want but not what you need.
I am still contemplating.
Still am trying ..

Maybe it is better to be discreet.
So things are going to be much easier.
Secrets are better left untold..

Why do you have to be so cute?
It is impossible to ignore you..

Life itself is beautiful.
I am living it..

Sisterly Love

2007-03-09T08:52:00.000+08:00

There are times when you feel so low that you look for someone to confide in.And when you have found that right someone,you start to pour your feelings out,knowing that he or she would just listen to your endless rantings and just be there emotionally and physically.
You would feel so much better after letting it all out from your system and appreciate the person who has been there to witness your down moments.

And I have been blessed.
Because I have a sister who is always there for me.Who will be the first to make me laugh,to make me forget my worries,to actually make me love myself.Whenever I feel that I want to be alone or run away to some unknown island to be on my own,she is the reason i stall those very ideas.She keeps me rooted,and all she does is to tell me some silly happenings of the day,or ridiculous jokes,and I would laugh gleefully.I do not have to tell her how sad I am,or how worried i am about many things,or how sometimes I would retreat to the past and start tearing up,she would silently know and make me laugh again.
No one can ever do that.No one can make me feel so good,so assured.She is the only person in my life I feel most comfortable in my own skin.I can be myself,I can say all the silly things and she would always laugh it off with me.
She is my best friend,the best sister anyone could ever ask for.And no one can ever take that bond I have with her away from me.

I love her,more than anything else in the world.

Ugh.

2007-03-08T10:37:00.001+08:00

Sighs.I am not trying to be whiny here or anything but seriously i want my break now.I need it.I have been yawning since God-Knows-When.And i need to stretch myself,i need to give my bum some fresh air.
The reason that we are being held from going for our break is stupidly because some visitors are coming and they are going to be walking around the lab.And so,we are forced to entertain them by physically being here infront of the computers,doing our work.By doing that,we are giving them a whole lot of reasons to be overjoyed.Assholes.
I am so tired.So tired of everything.So tired of doing this project.So tired of thinking whenI could actually complete it.So tired of thinking what to do in life.So tired of thinking i'm a loser.So tired of taking everything so easily.
The only thing that can take my mind off things now is driving.Strangely though,I love the rush.I love the thought that i'm in control of everything.I love to be lost in my own thoughts when I'm driving.And sometimes I am not cautious of the road.But I love that adrenaline rush,when I step on the accelerator hard without thinking(i went 140 once).Maybe I should start living dangerously.Who knows,I might love it.

Oh i'm going for break now.
Yeay!

Letting Go

2007-02-21T12:28:00.000+08:00

It is never easy to let go of something you have held on for a very long time. I have always believed that things will turn out good eventually and having believed that,I held on. At times, I doubted my very existence in the picture and felt that maybe it was time for me to raise the white flag. However,fear got the better of me and i was so afraid of the decision i was about to make. I did not want to regret my actions,and dwell on it a few months later.

But ,eventually i did it. It came to a point when i was actually brave enough to face the inevitably truth and that was i have had enough. I didn't mean for it to happen although i have taken much time to really ponder about the situation. The truth of the matter is that i couldn't bear the idea of depending on someone so much, the very idea of needing someone to make me complete. I have not been thinking on my own two feet because i have been too dependant. I needed my space badly, i needed time to be on my own and learn the perils of life without anyone to pick me up along the way. I got tired of everything, mentally exhausted and was so frustrated with myself. Maybe it was just space i needed. Maybe time on my own.

I have sacrificed a lot of things,friendship,family,and my own needed space. It struck to me yesterday,on how ignorant i was to the things around me. I didn't have the luxury to hang out with my friends back then,not even a weekend. I had no choice,really. I was quite saddened by the fact that i kept disappearing and not reviving the friendship that i have established long before. They were the ones i would turn to in times of need and somehow deep inside me,i felt a slight hurt. The time that i had with friends are,much to my own amazment,actually quite refreshing. There were no worries, not much wondering about the next possible fight or the time i should keep aside for that someone.

I am happy in my own way and am contented with it. But there are still times when i think of the past beautiful memories and how i wish it could have turned out differently. I am trying to let go of the past but it is not going to be easy. Every memory has a place in my heart and i am smiling at it instead of regretting it.

So cheers to a carefree life,for now!
:)

Never enough.

2007-01-20T02:43:00.000+08:00

One can never have enough.Be it love,be it money,be it looks.
Most of us(and i'm not generalising here)are never satisfied with the things that we already have.

For instance,we have our loved ones loving us unconditionally,but yet we think that it is not enough.We expect them to understand us,to feel what we feel,to want them to be everything that we yearn for.We are a demanding lot,really.
Like me,i want everything to go they way i WANT it to be.No matter how,not matter what.Even though i know that i have everything desired.I just want more.I want the other half to answer the way i want him to,i want him to react the way i see fit.Annoying me.

And money,we can never have enough of that,can't we?
Even if we were to be given a million bucks,we would still be jealous of Bill Gates who owns billions,including his luxurious house,and his many modes of transportation(does he have his own plane?).Yes,we would want more.And even if we have billions of dollars,we would want to own the world.So on and so forth.
Such funny creatures we are.

Oh,and looks.They say that beauty is only skin deep.But,who,seriosuly,would'nt want to look good?Who would'nt want to be noticed?Even those who were born with physical deficiencies would want to look appealing.
However,what if we have all the features that deserve the admiration of others,but yet we are not satisfied with it?
We would want to go for surgery,change here and there.Yadaa,yadda.
What is perfection,really?

In my opinion,perfection is when we appreciate the inner beauty of ourselves and others.
The little things that make us happy,that smile on our boyfriend's/girlfriend's faces,the way our loved ones adore us and that glint in our eyes when we feel contented.

So there,let's not ask for more.We have enough,actually.

Self-centered.

2007-01-18T15:27:00.000+08:00

Self-centered,yes we are.

I have always loved listening to debates ever since i was in primary school.There was this time,when we had a small debate in our classroom.My best friend took part but sadly,i didnt have the courage to follow suit.I wasn't sure that i was eloquent enough to put myself,in the center of attraction.Yes,confidence was something i didn't possess back then.Anyways,i wasn't the smarty-pants that i would like to be,so badly.
And so,there was i,among the audiences(classmates),listening to the little debate that was taking place.I was taking part too,mentally.

So a couple of days ago,after a week of anticipating it,i finally got to watch it.Yes,The Arena.
A so-called debate show,where students from secondary school battle with each other regarding the motion that was given.And the motion was,Self-Centered,Yes we are!
With snacks in my hand(too bad there wasn't any popcorn)and my boyfriend on my right,lying down on his oh-so comfy bed,we tuned in.

First up,it was proposition team,where they were the ones who agreed with the motion.And so the first speaker,a 15 year-old girl from St.Nicks,gave an opening.It was somehow or rather,not strong enough,to my opinion that is.I thought the proposition was at an advantage as i believe that singaporeans nowadays are self-centered.However,i still rooted for the St.Nicks girls even though their points were too weak.They only focused on the comittee work,where they pointed out that students do just that so that they can earn extra CIP hours and therefore,they would feel better in a way.So,apparently they are self-centered.Hmm.

Ok,enough about them.Or how weak their arguments were.I still agree with that motion,without a doubt.Well,i agree on the idea that students do CIP work to gain points,not because they are sincere in helping others.There are other things too,to prove that Singaporeans are rather self-centered,and of course that includes me.
For example,in the trains,buses,look at those young men,sitting on the coloured seat without a care.Without noticing there is an old man standing just before them.Without batting an eyelid on the pregnant woman,with a kid in the prem.Without giving up their seats.Without putting others before self.
All they know is that they are tired too,so why should i?

In school,when exams are nearing,students don't actually share their notes.And even if they did,they keep their knowledge intact,without having any intention to share it at all.I know this because i am a student myself.Not trying to blame my friends or anything like that.Yes,they keep it to themselves,because if they share it,they would lose out.So isn't that being selfish,in other words,self-centered?

Well,i am not entitled to say much either,because i am not a noble being myself.I am self-centered and so are the millions of people out there.
I am egoistic,and so are you.

We can't help being the way we are,but we sure can do something to change it.
So shall we?