I'll be ok, just not today.

I know I mentioned in my previous never to talk about him again but I just wanna let this out...

I never knew I could be this upset. He has a better job offer and that he is going to leave me. Told me he has not decided but I know for sure he is going. I have no influence in his decision because ultimately who am I in his life. His wf probably would want him to go. Would probably ask him to take the offer and then obviously he has to listen to that. I would do anything possible but again I have no say in this. Our love can only do so much to make him stay. But if you have a better offer, what does it matter? It's like you are offered a Ferrari, why would you still wanna drive a Honda, even if you love it so much?

Of course, I agree with the fact that money does make the world go round. It makes you live comfortably, not necessarily happily but still it makes you feel less stressful. And men. They would do anything to be successful. That's just how they are. They would grab the opportunity, no matter what. That's why I can't fight that. And of course his wf would want him to go, probably a good opportunity to get him away from me. As simple as that. That's why he probably can't decide.

As for me, I wish I had taken the HR offer at least I wont be in this situation. I won't be as devastated as I am right now, and even if he leaves, I would honestly be happy for him. But I stayed on because he is the reason why. I could have made a better decision and trusted my mind, instead of my heart. I nv told him this. But I have dreams of actually going into HR. and I almost took a degree for that couple of years ago. And when I was asked to join, boy was I so delighted. I thought to myself that probably this is it for me. I'm gonna be something someday. I will work hard and probably progress. Then I can start my part time degree. I had everything planned. Why would I wanna be doing something that I'm doing for the rest of my life? Like seriously where can I go?

But it's different for him. We are different. I think with my heart. He doesn't. But I don't blame him. I made the decision. I just should have been wiser, that's all. I think my vision is getting poorer from all these crying. Haaaa.
I can't imagine the day when he actually decides to leave. I could be strong but knowing me, probably I'll just breakdown. Might have suicidal thoughts too. Haaaa.
There is no way I can influence him. I can't stop him. Even if i cried my heart out. If he has made the decision, it is gonna be final.

I hope he will make the right choice, either ways, it will be the best for him.

I just wanna sleep, shut my eyes and brain. Goodnight.