Dead.

I feel so refreshed now after a good shower and a good hearty laugh with friends. Today was a terrible day for me. Someone whom I used to love is the very person I'm hating now. I thought that I would probably stop hating him by the end of today, but funny, the hatred doesn't go away. How can it possibly go away? How does a person just sit there and smirked at everything I said like it didn't matter? How can one just continue to look at the computer screen without batting an eyelid? How can someone ever ignore the fact that I was crying so hard to and not acknowledge the fact that i was being serious? How can you ever not hate a person like that?

He should be lucky that his wife loves him after all these years. After all the years of waiting for him. After all the times that she had to wait for him at home with all his time spent at work. He should be thankful that at least there is someone out there for him. And with all his insensitivity, and his outlook on life, really the strength and patience of his wife is something commendable. And if I were her, I would have packed up my things and go. I would have left him. All the more now she knows that her husband cheated on her. I would have never forgiven him after 13 years of waiting. I would have cursed him. She must be a really strong woman to still live with him.

I must have been so stupid and naive to be with him. Really, what was I thinking? What hope was there in the first place? When I have had enough with helmi, I jumped into another relationship. A worst one.

I thought that he could probably said something. I wanted to work things out with him on the east coast party tomorrow. Like probably I could come earlier and cycle off somewhere when he arrives. But that look in his eyes when I said bye to him before I left. Wow. That look. I can still remember. The "well I have nothing to say, see you then" look. How classic. Really again, how can someone ever do something like that?

He told me I'm a negative person, well guess what, at least I would have not smirked when I see someone crying Infront of me. He told me before that he can't see girls crying and that he goes weak, oh well I guess not. What a liar. How can he actually go home, see his wife and sleep with her after all these? I wonder how he does that. I would have lived with so much guilt.

Then again, he doesn't think much. He is a positive person and that he doesn't see why people should cry, be sad and all that. That is why I think his life is such a bore. With no emotions at all. How can I not see all that?

Saying that he doesn't know how to be angry and be sad, I think he does need some help. He buys your heart just to crash it. Now I know what Steven meant. Sometimes I wonder why I care so much. Why do I actually bother to be upset? He doesn't care in the end, when you are upset. He just wants you to be happy. Thats all that matters to him. Yes he does do all that he can do to make me happy, but for what? When you can't handle me when I'm actually emotionally distraught?

Even now when I'm thinking of all the happy memories now that I have calmed down, I don't feel anything at all. I could have that kind of happiness with anyone I want. Maybe I'm not cut out to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. Which was my original plan anyway. I don't mind. Probably I'll have cats and adopt a baby, when I'm older.

I can forget all this ever happened, but like I said, I hate him so much that I don't think I can ever forgive him. Well who cares. Just like Helmi, just like Azly, I am gonna move on from here. I don't wanna care so much and be upset over this. Even if I had hurt him with my words, who cares, he had shattered my heart.

In the end, I'll die and meet my maker alone anyway. I am gonna be happy, even if it takes time. In my own little ways, I find that happiness within me somewhere.

I'm gonna sleep now and wake up to a better, brighter day tomorrow!