SPGs

Had a really nice time with the girls tonight. Just hanging out at blue potato by the pool talking about random stuffs.

I'm kinda sleepy right now, but before I doze off, I just wanna say that sometimes I need a breather. Just because I willingly agree to certain things does not mean I'm ok to anything. And it's not fair that they think I'm alright to do just about everything. And it's become a norm that they see me as the volunteer to do anything at all. Im not complaining, just that I don't wanna be seen as someone you knowwww... I don't know la...

I'm bored, im so restless I need something new and exciting. I need and wanna learn new things.

Ok I wanna sleep.

Cheers to the freaking weekend!

What a good good Saturday! Now that I'm on my bed after the normal night routine of showering, applying moisturizer and bedak on my face, applying hair cream on my hair and cocoa butter on my leg and hands, I feel so rejuvenated. We went to botanic gardens earlier in the afternoon, Jah baked red velvet cupcakes and cooked potatoes with chicken, we bought two bottles of moscatos, grapes and chips, lied down on the green grasses under the beautiful sun. Harun with his bright colourful outfit, it really made my day. Took nice pretty shots and just talked, laughed with the sun beating on us. There will always be sunshine after the rain, a rainbow casting upon the clear blue skies. We sang to silly songs, toast to our trip together. It really was a lovely afternoon, after which ended the day at sandbar.

Had some drinks, with chicken wings, live band and good company. The band was playing good music today, love the singer. Jamil. Abang jamil. Haha. His voice is damn seductive. He sang a song we requested, the one that got away by Katy perry. And the female singer sang another one our request, someone like you. Haha. Sad songs, I know but hey they were good! It was a nice night. Forgot about my heartache and the pain, fought with all the sadness with my own rendition of happiness. I love it. I love my strength. I'm seeing the brighter side of things now. I'm gonna get my bubbly self back, I know I am strong to overcome anything. Cos generally, I am a happy person.

Don't worry about a thing, cos every single thing is gonna be alright! Yeahhhh yeahhhh!

Dead.

I feel so refreshed now after a good shower and a good hearty laugh with friends. Today was a terrible day for me. Someone whom I used to love is the very person I'm hating now. I thought that I would probably stop hating him by the end of today, but funny, the hatred doesn't go away. How can it possibly go away? How does a person just sit there and smirked at everything I said like it didn't matter? How can one just continue to look at the computer screen without batting an eyelid? How can someone ever ignore the fact that I was crying so hard to and not acknowledge the fact that i was being serious? How can you ever not hate a person like that?

He should be lucky that his wife loves him after all these years. After all the years of waiting for him. After all the times that she had to wait for him at home with all his time spent at work. He should be thankful that at least there is someone out there for him. And with all his insensitivity, and his outlook on life, really the strength and patience of his wife is something commendable. And if I were her, I would have packed up my things and go. I would have left him. All the more now she knows that her husband cheated on her. I would have never forgiven him after 13 years of waiting. I would have cursed him. She must be a really strong woman to still live with him.

I must have been so stupid and naive to be with him. Really, what was I thinking? What hope was there in the first place? When I have had enough with helmi, I jumped into another relationship. A worst one.

I thought that he could probably said something. I wanted to work things out with him on the east coast party tomorrow. Like probably I could come earlier and cycle off somewhere when he arrives. But that look in his eyes when I said bye to him before I left. Wow. That look. I can still remember. The "well I have nothing to say, see you then" look. How classic. Really again, how can someone ever do something like that?

He told me I'm a negative person, well guess what, at least I would have not smirked when I see someone crying Infront of me. He told me before that he can't see girls crying and that he goes weak, oh well I guess not. What a liar. How can he actually go home, see his wife and sleep with her after all these? I wonder how he does that. I would have lived with so much guilt.

Then again, he doesn't think much. He is a positive person and that he doesn't see why people should cry, be sad and all that. That is why I think his life is such a bore. With no emotions at all. How can I not see all that?

Saying that he doesn't know how to be angry and be sad, I think he does need some help. He buys your heart just to crash it. Now I know what Steven meant. Sometimes I wonder why I care so much. Why do I actually bother to be upset? He doesn't care in the end, when you are upset. He just wants you to be happy. Thats all that matters to him. Yes he does do all that he can do to make me happy, but for what? When you can't handle me when I'm actually emotionally distraught?

Even now when I'm thinking of all the happy memories now that I have calmed down, I don't feel anything at all. I could have that kind of happiness with anyone I want. Maybe I'm not cut out to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. Which was my original plan anyway. I don't mind. Probably I'll have cats and adopt a baby, when I'm older.

I can forget all this ever happened, but like I said, I hate him so much that I don't think I can ever forgive him. Well who cares. Just like Helmi, just like Azly, I am gonna move on from here. I don't wanna care so much and be upset over this. Even if I had hurt him with my words, who cares, he had shattered my heart.

In the end, I'll die and meet my maker alone anyway. I am gonna be happy, even if it takes time. In my own little ways, I find that happiness within me somewhere.

I'm gonna sleep now and wake up to a better, brighter day tomorrow!

Sun-day.

Sundays. It marks the end of the week,which can only mean that the next day it's the start of a new one. I love Sundays, its just that feeling when you wake up in the morning and know that you can laze and sleep as much as you want and everyone would understand. Haha. You know your friends are spending time with their families and you feel happy for them. I can lie on the sofa, watch as much tv with mom without her nagging too much. Because like I said, they would understand.

I think I'm having diarrhea. I berak like about 4-5 times today, must be the yellow ginger chicken yesterday at Thai express haha. Must be la, what else. On the bright side, my stomach feels flatter haha. It was actually a good Saturday, spent time with Aznan watching underworld, though I arrived really late. I really have a bad time management. But I think I'm not as bad la. I drove and ran as quick as I could, and as usual he was waiting patiently (but this time he looked a bit pissed) haha. Apologized profusely and as usual he accepted (well I think so). So after which we went bowling! It was really fun and he had to show off and win me. Typical. Haha. Never knew I could have so much fun with him alone. It was as if the rest didn't matter when we are together. He is so much of a friend to me, besides being my love. I can be silly and lame and funny with him. I can be anything I want when I'm with him. I'm clumsy, sometimes forgetful, and I am pretty slow at times. Haha. Really. And I don't know if he minds me being like that because at the same time he's my boss too. I get distracted easily when that happens I tend to forget things. I am a dreamer and I daydream alotttt. Hahaha. Think I should start focusing on things that really matter now and leave the rest, my future in the hands of God.

Az bought me a new and really pretty dress and I love it so much. Im not saying it just because he bought it for me, but really I like it. Size 20 was a bit toooo big for me btw. Haha. Well, I think he should stop buying me things. He's spending too much on me and it feels weird. I know I can never repay him with monetary value, and I really feel bad. That is probably one of the few reasons I would want him to let me go. Because I don't want to feel indebted to him. With all the things that he bought and spent on me, I've never felt like this and I wish so much I could share it with someone. I feel that I dont deserve all these at all. But of course, whenever he surprises me with gifts, I feel like a princess haha. It makes me happy and I feel bad. Haha. I don't wanna sound so spoilt.

Well anyways, I came across helmi's new gf on Facebook. And she doesn't loooook like helmi's kind. Haha. What's with guys digging baobei girls nowadays. Haaa. And strangely I was jealous. I got really jealous when I saw it. Not that I'm jealous that they are together. But I was jealous that he can openly and freely put that he was in a relationship with her on fb. Like he had moved on and can tell that to everyone.
I have moved on too but I can't tell anyone. Haaaa. That probably sucks. So I was jealous.

Ok goodnight, my arm is still aching from the bowling game! Haha.

The land of thousand smiles :)

Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm counting down the days.... imagining every second how that day is going to be like.
Would I be emancipated or would I actually be devastated?

I love Bangkok, the life and their colors. I am going back to sheer boredom tomorrow, going back to the person who is going to leave me someday. Yeayyy! How freaking awesome is that!

I love my life and it's complexities. I love the fact that I have a secret that no one knows. I love it when you call and I can't tell anyone who's on the other line or be extremely happy when you text me the sweetest things. It's really nice knowing that you love me but I can't text you saying the same thing at three in the morning. I love this challenge so much that I believe this is karma. This is what I asked for in the first place. A challenging relationship. Yeayyyyyy! This is so much fun.

My life simply rocks! ;)

Leap Year

It is now the second month of 2012. A leap year. There are 29 days in this month of February.
And this is my very first post of the year.

These past two months alone have been and I can safely say, crazy. As I am lying down on my bed now, alone in my room with the lights off and the deafening silence, I feel so lost.

You know what, I don't want this post to be another sad one. So perhaps I should stop now.
I have so many unwritten thoughts but I am so afraid to share. Even with myself. Weird, I know.

Goodnight.