TGIF!

So I surived the week without him. Must say that it's getting easier now. Which of course I would have to get used to it. The moment i think about him, I'll distract myself with other things or probably talk to someone. And now he just informed that he will be back later than usual. Haha. I shall not bother about these kinda petty things anymore. I gotta be strong and will not shed a single tear anymore. There are things he could have done to assure me. Like I said I only need assurance. But again, he failed to do that. Well that's him. That's just him. I'm different and he is different. He has got his own priorities and I've got mine.

Oh well, he's going off in less than two weeks, we will be in deep trouble at work once he's gone because there are so many incomplete things. He has yet to train the managers on many things. Yet he's going off. Haha. But oh well don't think his heart is in this anymore, and yes the grass is always greener on the other side.

Personally and professionally, I will miss him. Definitely. But you know, the ocean is vast and there are so many things I have yet to explore. This is a stepping stone for me and I've got to see things in a different light. We will lose someone, friends and lovers along the way. Perhaps I'll find a better gem, who knows.

And mabye just maybe the next boss who's replacing him will be nicer. Hopefully. Something new, something fresh and exciting.
Such is life.

Too bad you didn't choose to stay. It's just too bad.

=)

=(

I wish time could just stand still. Days pass by like crazy and I am so afraid that I won't have enough time with him. There are so many things I have yet to do with him, so many things that we can discover together but I I know time is of the essence. You have no I idea how afraid I am. I really wish he could stay, wish so much he could have made the decision to stay. I love him so much it hurts. It hurts to love him. It hurts more to know that he is leaving me for good. It sucks to be in this situation. I seriously do not know what or how he feels. I know it excites him. To be exploring new things. I hope he will remember us here, everyone of us. I am gonna miss him, we are gonna miss him.

I hope I will be ok one day and stop crying at night, when I think of all the happy memories and what could have beens.
Had a great day today, spending time with him and loving the shoes he got for me. I am really gonna miss him. I really am. I am gonna miss him a lot. But he will be going to a better place. I wish I could fit into all that.

I am gonna miss him. =(

I'll be ok, just not today.

I know I mentioned in my previous never to talk about him again but I just wanna let this out...

I never knew I could be this upset. He has a better job offer and that he is going to leave me. Told me he has not decided but I know for sure he is going. I have no influence in his decision because ultimately who am I in his life. His wf probably would want him to go. Would probably ask him to take the offer and then obviously he has to listen to that. I would do anything possible but again I have no say in this. Our love can only do so much to make him stay. But if you have a better offer, what does it matter? It's like you are offered a Ferrari, why would you still wanna drive a Honda, even if you love it so much?

Of course, I agree with the fact that money does make the world go round. It makes you live comfortably, not necessarily happily but still it makes you feel less stressful. And men. They would do anything to be successful. That's just how they are. They would grab the opportunity, no matter what. That's why I can't fight that. And of course his wf would want him to go, probably a good opportunity to get him away from me. As simple as that. That's why he probably can't decide.

As for me, I wish I had taken the HR offer at least I wont be in this situation. I won't be as devastated as I am right now, and even if he leaves, I would honestly be happy for him. But I stayed on because he is the reason why. I could have made a better decision and trusted my mind, instead of my heart. I nv told him this. But I have dreams of actually going into HR. and I almost took a degree for that couple of years ago. And when I was asked to join, boy was I so delighted. I thought to myself that probably this is it for me. I'm gonna be something someday. I will work hard and probably progress. Then I can start my part time degree. I had everything planned. Why would I wanna be doing something that I'm doing for the rest of my life? Like seriously where can I go?

But it's different for him. We are different. I think with my heart. He doesn't. But I don't blame him. I made the decision. I just should have been wiser, that's all. I think my vision is getting poorer from all these crying. Haaaa.
I can't imagine the day when he actually decides to leave. I could be strong but knowing me, probably I'll just breakdown. Might have suicidal thoughts too. Haaaa.
There is no way I can influence him. I can't stop him. Even if i cried my heart out. If he has made the decision, it is gonna be final.

I hope he will make the right choice, either ways, it will be the best for him.

I just wanna sleep, shut my eyes and brain. Goodnight.

Don't worry about a thing.

I have to be strong. I need to be strong. When no one else understands, I have to depend on myself to be strong. I have had enough of crying. I have had enough of all the heartaches. I have had enough of thinking of the what ifs and what could have been.

I have to be calm. I need to be calm. I can't let emotions control me. I need to be in charge of the things that are happening now. He doesnt get it, no matter how much I have tried. He doesn't get the fact that I need assurance. Not his hugs and quick kisses. I wanted to be a friend but its not possible. I don't think that can ever happen. I need to run away. I need to be away from all these. That's how I can move on.

I'm just waiting for the right moment. I still need to earn. I can go now but I would need to answer to my family why the sudden quit when they know I'm happy with what I do. I have to factor all these. I need to be rational. If I follow what my heart desires, I would have gone by now.
He doesnt understand. I hope he would let me go and not make it difficult for me. I still need to live. I'm 25 and I don't wanna be upset overt trivial love matters. There are other things I need to be worried about.

Even if I leave, he still has someone else. He won't care, it doesn't matter. He has someone to fall back on. So I'm at the losing end. I'm trying to reason things out here. I'm happy because he wants me to be. I have to get a life. He is not the one for me. He is married and I am not. He loves someone else but I don't love anyone else. He wanted me to be his second one. Hahaha. Absurd. Ridiculous. But he can argue and tell me that I knew what I was getting into in the first place. Hahaha. I knew of course. Yes I know all that. But he should know this too. He should know why I get moody most of the times.

Oh well. I will just go with the flow. Maybe play along with all these since it's hard to fight it. Love, what does it matter? Infidelity is on the rise anyway. Real love just doesnt exist anymore. Not in this era. Since he wants me to go with it, I say why not? Pain, what does it matter?
It doesn't matter to me anymore. Love, pain. That's my fate. To be in this situation. Well at least I'm not committed to anything. I can do and go anywhere as I please. I don't have to be tied down. But probably when he needs me and I need him, we will be there physically. So that's the bright side.

So I say, go with this until I find the right time. =) I shall not post anything about him anymore. Because like I said I have other things to be worried about.

Go with the Flow.

So yesterday was family day,really a fantastic Saturday at Wavehouse, Sentosa. The weather was good rained, for a bit in the afternoon but it still went on as smoothly as I hoped it would be. Had so much fun in the hot sun, burnt my face a little bit, and i love the healthy glow it brings on my face. :) Though I didn't get to surf (wanted to badly), but I'm still glad everyone had fun. I was the timekeeper for the competition and the slots were all taken up and there was no time anyway to surf, but still I enjoyed watching each and everyone of them falling. Too bad couldn't show off my skills. But oh well, I have got to do what I have got to do. All in all, it was a really good day.

Rode the bull, laughed too much, danced in the rain, ate and talked. Seeing people happy, it just warms my heart. Played volleyball with the funny philippinos, it was really so much fun. Seeing him enjoying himself, it makes me glad.

Moments like that, I can never get them back. Happy moments, it awakens me. Like it makes me believe that there is more to life and I can do so much more.
Events like these, being part of the committee, it makes me happy. Even if there were hiccups along the way. Even if I get upset at some. And even if I had only a minor role to play, it still feels nice at the end of the day.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity. Forget about my complaining and whining. I do that sometimes because I am a drama queen. Again, thank you. You know who you are ;)

I still hate you.

Trust. What do we actually know of it?

We know nothing about it until its broken. As cynical as this can get, but I believe in the phrase : "every man for himself".
Yet in order to survive,we have to learn how to depend and trust someone. It is a cycle. A chain that has been established way before mankind. When do we start and stop trusting the ones close to you?

As much as I don't wanna think about it, someone told me something earlier that has striked my chord. Just these words : be careful.
Wasn't meant for me, but it triggered my conscience. Everyone can pretend, everyone can fake it. Hey, it's a dog eat dog world. I pretend too. I fake too. You never know what's in the minds of strangers or even your best friend's or even your loved ones'.

I gotta learn to trust myself more than anyone else. I gotta learn to survive on my own. I gotta learn that no one is going to help you when you need one. I gotta learn to listen to my instincts and look through the kindness of my friends, family and colleagues. I gotta learn how to be cynical. They have their motives behind that laughter, the smiles and their helping hands.

I'm gonna repeat this mantra daily. "I trust no one but myself and God".

Smile on my heart.

It was yet another good saturday again. Went out early in the morning to run some errands, afterwhich went to spore flyer to help them with the ocbc bicycle tingee (which I managed to push only two inside because I was rushing off to meet mahani and Zizie) sorry guys, wish I could help more but well, I haven't seen my friends for a long time now. We caught a movie- this means war. Ok laaa not as funny as I had thought it would be. Still ok though. Then dinner, and we just caught up with one another - talked about random things and well basically girl talk. Waited for wady and talked some more. Haha.

Love decent days like these. It makes me feel complete. And I need friends like that to keep my life on track.
Gotta wake up early tomorrow. Cycling day yeay yeayyyyy!

SPGs

Had a really nice time with the girls tonight. Just hanging out at blue potato by the pool talking about random stuffs.

I'm kinda sleepy right now, but before I doze off, I just wanna say that sometimes I need a breather. Just because I willingly agree to certain things does not mean I'm ok to anything. And it's not fair that they think I'm alright to do just about everything. And it's become a norm that they see me as the volunteer to do anything at all. Im not complaining, just that I don't wanna be seen as someone you knowwww... I don't know la...

I'm bored, im so restless I need something new and exciting. I need and wanna learn new things.

Ok I wanna sleep.

Cheers to the freaking weekend!

What a good good Saturday! Now that I'm on my bed after the normal night routine of showering, applying moisturizer and bedak on my face, applying hair cream on my hair and cocoa butter on my leg and hands, I feel so rejuvenated. We went to botanic gardens earlier in the afternoon, Jah baked red velvet cupcakes and cooked potatoes with chicken, we bought two bottles of moscatos, grapes and chips, lied down on the green grasses under the beautiful sun. Harun with his bright colourful outfit, it really made my day. Took nice pretty shots and just talked, laughed with the sun beating on us. There will always be sunshine after the rain, a rainbow casting upon the clear blue skies. We sang to silly songs, toast to our trip together. It really was a lovely afternoon, after which ended the day at sandbar.

Had some drinks, with chicken wings, live band and good company. The band was playing good music today, love the singer. Jamil. Abang jamil. Haha. His voice is damn seductive. He sang a song we requested, the one that got away by Katy perry. And the female singer sang another one our request, someone like you. Haha. Sad songs, I know but hey they were good! It was a nice night. Forgot about my heartache and the pain, fought with all the sadness with my own rendition of happiness. I love it. I love my strength. I'm seeing the brighter side of things now. I'm gonna get my bubbly self back, I know I am strong to overcome anything. Cos generally, I am a happy person.

Don't worry about a thing, cos every single thing is gonna be alright! Yeahhhh yeahhhh!

Dead.

I feel so refreshed now after a good shower and a good hearty laugh with friends. Today was a terrible day for me. Someone whom I used to love is the very person I'm hating now. I thought that I would probably stop hating him by the end of today, but funny, the hatred doesn't go away. How can it possibly go away? How does a person just sit there and smirked at everything I said like it didn't matter? How can one just continue to look at the computer screen without batting an eyelid? How can someone ever ignore the fact that I was crying so hard to and not acknowledge the fact that i was being serious? How can you ever not hate a person like that?

He should be lucky that his wife loves him after all these years. After all the years of waiting for him. After all the times that she had to wait for him at home with all his time spent at work. He should be thankful that at least there is someone out there for him. And with all his insensitivity, and his outlook on life, really the strength and patience of his wife is something commendable. And if I were her, I would have packed up my things and go. I would have left him. All the more now she knows that her husband cheated on her. I would have never forgiven him after 13 years of waiting. I would have cursed him. She must be a really strong woman to still live with him.

I must have been so stupid and naive to be with him. Really, what was I thinking? What hope was there in the first place? When I have had enough with helmi, I jumped into another relationship. A worst one.

I thought that he could probably said something. I wanted to work things out with him on the east coast party tomorrow. Like probably I could come earlier and cycle off somewhere when he arrives. But that look in his eyes when I said bye to him before I left. Wow. That look. I can still remember. The "well I have nothing to say, see you then" look. How classic. Really again, how can someone ever do something like that?

He told me I'm a negative person, well guess what, at least I would have not smirked when I see someone crying Infront of me. He told me before that he can't see girls crying and that he goes weak, oh well I guess not. What a liar. How can he actually go home, see his wife and sleep with her after all these? I wonder how he does that. I would have lived with so much guilt.

Then again, he doesn't think much. He is a positive person and that he doesn't see why people should cry, be sad and all that. That is why I think his life is such a bore. With no emotions at all. How can I not see all that?

Saying that he doesn't know how to be angry and be sad, I think he does need some help. He buys your heart just to crash it. Now I know what Steven meant. Sometimes I wonder why I care so much. Why do I actually bother to be upset? He doesn't care in the end, when you are upset. He just wants you to be happy. Thats all that matters to him. Yes he does do all that he can do to make me happy, but for what? When you can't handle me when I'm actually emotionally distraught?

Even now when I'm thinking of all the happy memories now that I have calmed down, I don't feel anything at all. I could have that kind of happiness with anyone I want. Maybe I'm not cut out to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. Which was my original plan anyway. I don't mind. Probably I'll have cats and adopt a baby, when I'm older.

I can forget all this ever happened, but like I said, I hate him so much that I don't think I can ever forgive him. Well who cares. Just like Helmi, just like Azly, I am gonna move on from here. I don't wanna care so much and be upset over this. Even if I had hurt him with my words, who cares, he had shattered my heart.

In the end, I'll die and meet my maker alone anyway. I am gonna be happy, even if it takes time. In my own little ways, I find that happiness within me somewhere.

I'm gonna sleep now and wake up to a better, brighter day tomorrow!

Sun-day.

Sundays. It marks the end of the week,which can only mean that the next day it's the start of a new one. I love Sundays, its just that feeling when you wake up in the morning and know that you can laze and sleep as much as you want and everyone would understand. Haha. You know your friends are spending time with their families and you feel happy for them. I can lie on the sofa, watch as much tv with mom without her nagging too much. Because like I said, they would understand.

I think I'm having diarrhea. I berak like about 4-5 times today, must be the yellow ginger chicken yesterday at Thai express haha. Must be la, what else. On the bright side, my stomach feels flatter haha. It was actually a good Saturday, spent time with Aznan watching underworld, though I arrived really late. I really have a bad time management. But I think I'm not as bad la. I drove and ran as quick as I could, and as usual he was waiting patiently (but this time he looked a bit pissed) haha. Apologized profusely and as usual he accepted (well I think so). So after which we went bowling! It was really fun and he had to show off and win me. Typical. Haha. Never knew I could have so much fun with him alone. It was as if the rest didn't matter when we are together. He is so much of a friend to me, besides being my love. I can be silly and lame and funny with him. I can be anything I want when I'm with him. I'm clumsy, sometimes forgetful, and I am pretty slow at times. Haha. Really. And I don't know if he minds me being like that because at the same time he's my boss too. I get distracted easily when that happens I tend to forget things. I am a dreamer and I daydream alotttt. Hahaha. Think I should start focusing on things that really matter now and leave the rest, my future in the hands of God.

Az bought me a new and really pretty dress and I love it so much. Im not saying it just because he bought it for me, but really I like it. Size 20 was a bit toooo big for me btw. Haha. Well, I think he should stop buying me things. He's spending too much on me and it feels weird. I know I can never repay him with monetary value, and I really feel bad. That is probably one of the few reasons I would want him to let me go. Because I don't want to feel indebted to him. With all the things that he bought and spent on me, I've never felt like this and I wish so much I could share it with someone. I feel that I dont deserve all these at all. But of course, whenever he surprises me with gifts, I feel like a princess haha. It makes me happy and I feel bad. Haha. I don't wanna sound so spoilt.

Well anyways, I came across helmi's new gf on Facebook. And she doesn't loooook like helmi's kind. Haha. What's with guys digging baobei girls nowadays. Haaa. And strangely I was jealous. I got really jealous when I saw it. Not that I'm jealous that they are together. But I was jealous that he can openly and freely put that he was in a relationship with her on fb. Like he had moved on and can tell that to everyone.
I have moved on too but I can't tell anyone. Haaaa. That probably sucks. So I was jealous.

Ok goodnight, my arm is still aching from the bowling game! Haha.

The land of thousand smiles :)

Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm counting down the days.... imagining every second how that day is going to be like.
Would I be emancipated or would I actually be devastated?

I love Bangkok, the life and their colors. I am going back to sheer boredom tomorrow, going back to the person who is going to leave me someday. Yeayyy! How freaking awesome is that!

I love my life and it's complexities. I love the fact that I have a secret that no one knows. I love it when you call and I can't tell anyone who's on the other line or be extremely happy when you text me the sweetest things. It's really nice knowing that you love me but I can't text you saying the same thing at three in the morning. I love this challenge so much that I believe this is karma. This is what I asked for in the first place. A challenging relationship. Yeayyyyyy! This is so much fun.

My life simply rocks! ;)

Leap Year

It is now the second month of 2012. A leap year. There are 29 days in this month of February.
And this is my very first post of the year.

These past two months alone have been and I can safely say, crazy. As I am lying down on my bed now, alone in my room with the lights off and the deafening silence, I feel so lost.

You know what, I don't want this post to be another sad one. So perhaps I should stop now.
I have so many unwritten thoughts but I am so afraid to share. Even with myself. Weird, I know.

Goodnight.