On cloud nine.

I have always loved taking the bus home because you get to see many different happenings in the bus and also on the road. I get to entertain my thoughts and this is the only time I get to daydream. So many eventful things have taken place these past three months and it has been one hell of an emotional ride. I have been the happiest as well as have gone so low that I don't think I could have gone any lower than that. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the reason I have been at the lowest point is because I made myself to be there. I can choose to be happy and be surrounded with wonderful friends and a loving family. I love to laugh, I love to see people I love happy. I love the energy of a happy surrounding and I hate to be sad.

Life is too short to be wondering about what ifs. We don't have all the time in the world to be scared. To be thinking of things that we do not have control of. I am not necessarily a nice person,I do bad things I'm not even proud of. But I don't regret it, I would probably regret it if I didn't kiss him on that night. It might have turned out differently, but would I then be happy? I probably would have missed the chance to get to know him. I would have not laughed as much and be as happy as I am right now. I would have not enjoyed work as much as I do now. I would have not be so excited to come to work and see the faces of my colleagues so early in the morning. The funny memories, the thousands of expressions we exchange, the cute little surprises, the dinners, the lunches and breakfasts we have together. The taxi rides, the journey in the train, the conversations we hold as we walk side by side. The silly games we play and the sarcastic remarks we throw at each other. The funny texts and images we send when we are apart. The movie nights, the car rides, and unfortunate incidents (losing an expensive car key and oh yes bought the wrong date for a movie). The chalet, the hotel stay. The dinner and dance. The walk to funan, to peninsula and the crossing of roads dangerously. The office nights and mornings. And all of these happened, to my surprise, in the past three months we are intimately together.

I want to be with him so much, so much so that I am not even thinking of being with anyone else, of being the perfect girlfriend or wife for anyone else besides him. I'll be giving everything that I have and probably so much more if we were to be together in the future. He tickles my heart like no one has ever done, and it beats faster every time that i see him. He probably wont know this but I will die for him. I will do whatever it takes to not see the little sadness in his eyes.

As I am reaching my destination now, I have not even shed a single tear. Hahaha. I have been smiling to myself throughout this journey and this has been the easiest post I have written so far. Because words flow like water. Like probably this was what I have been keeping to myself all along.

Big Bad Wolf

Ok so I am forced to write something happy. Errrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Errrrrrr... Hmmmmmmmmm..................Okkkkkkkkk..Ermmmmmmmmm........

Wah so hard. Haha. Nevermind, I will just write whatever happened this weekend la haaa.. Well it was a nice relaxing weekend and as much as I enjoyed it with Smelly, I really wish that I could have spent more time with A. Because he is too handsome that I can never see him walk away from me. The most good looking man I have ever been out with, oh dear, I even dream about him almost every night. He is a perfect catch and I bet many girls are jealous I am out with him. HAHAHAHA. ERRRRRR YA.

Ok this is not a happy post, this is a ridiculous one. HAHAHA.
Anyways I was so sleepy that I fell in a deep sleep on the train. Because AGAIN my sleep in the morning got interrupted. Hahaha. But a pleasant surprise, damn he should have come dressed up in a Pizza delivery uniform or something hahaha. That would be an ultimate dream come true.

And oh ya, strangely mother invited A to brother's wedding without me even asking. She didn't even ask if any of my friends wanted to come. How strange is that.

This has been a nice rainy weekend, and I hope for more of these to come in future. ;)

In another life, I would make you stay.

At the end of the day, I need someone to stay. Not to go away and leave me astray.

I can never write a happy post because as it is, my happiness will inevitably be short-lived.

Happy (sinful) Friday!

I woke up today feeling so alive, not just because its Friday. This happiness within is something so indescribable that suddenly the morning looks so much brighter and it smells a whole lot sweeter. I got a very early morning surprise from A, and nothing beats the feeling of knowing that there is actually someone who cared enough to travel the distance and wait for you with so much sweat haha. Never have I expected anything out of this, out of him. Though he failed to surprise me yesterday (because I looked back and saw him) he tried again this morning and succeeded. He is such a funny funny man and whenever I look at him, I'm amazed at how incredible he is at how much sunshine he has brought into my life.

I can never thank him enough, for all the days and moments he makes me laugh. For all the times that he try so hard to see me smile. I am not going to take that for granted, I am never gonna allow a day of sadness in his life and i am gonna be hopeful that one day we will be together.

Ps: yeay! My first happy post hahaha;)

Delicious prata for breakfast and I am gonna order some kfc for lunch laterrrrr yeahhh yeahhh! Happy happy Friday for me ;)

Run for hope

Coldplay's new song Is repeatedly playing in my head, Paradise. It is a lovely tune, especially when you need something to distract yourself from the complications of life. Besides the song which is constantly playing in my overworked mind, images too are flashing along with it. It's like some PowerPoint slideshow that I'm discreetly watching. Images of things I wish I had not seen. Of which had slapped me hard into reality. It has forcefully brought my head (which was happily up in the clouds) back to earth again. Never have I ever imagined myself to be stuck in the rut, to be a part of all these. I have gone against things I believe in, against the sanctity of marriage. It ached too much that I didn't even cry. Like probably im numb to all these emotions. Like probably I don't wanna care anymore. Like maybe I've given up. It was a painful rub in my face, showing me that this won't go anywhere at all. I'm losing my faith in love. I'm losing the trust in us.

I remember saying to myself that I've got nothing to lose in the end. Well, I'm taking that back now. I've got everything to lose; my heart, my dignity as a woman and my happiness.

The images are too disturbing that I would rather watch baboons mating. You were a mistake. This whole thing was a bloody mistake.
You looked happy in the pictures. You told me that you didn't love her anymore but I know you were lying. You kissed her like she is the only person that mattered in the world. Because I believe a picture speaks a thousand words. I'm not angry at you or anyone for that matter. I'm just frustrated at myself. For letting my heart do the talking. For leaving it in your hands. I want it back now. I want to keep it safe. And until someone like you comes along, then I would readily give it.

I have stopped believing. She wins.

Gotta run tomorrow, good morning! ;)

Zzzzz

So finally we had a serious conversation in the afternoon. It was hard to talk without tearing up. Surprisingly I felt a bit better after the talk although he did not give much of an assurance, he listened and understood. He asked me what I wanted out of this relationship. Go figure.

The only way I can get out of this whole thing is when I get out of the place. And I know it will come soon. I just don't know when.
If only life was that simple.

Ok I'm sleepy now. Xoxoxo.

Cos I love the way you say good morning.

These past few days have been incredibly fun. And i want more of these in time to come. Something happened on the weekend that I am not proud of. As much as I know that this would eventually end, I am still fighting whatever time there is. Since I know that time is going to beat me in the end, I might as well use it for now right?

I love you, more than I could ever promise. Look for me in time to come because I will be waiting.

Goodnight baby.

Drained out

To be back home and see so many sour faces, it just
kills my mood. Have no idea why, what's happening so I decide to just take a shower and watch tv. Sometimes, its best to keep quiet and imagine the best of everything. Hate nights like these. I'm tired. I need some positive energy to keep me going. And times like these I need a happy sister. Ugh. And not some angry and moody one. Why do I always have to figure out what is wrong with you? Ok I think I just need to sleep to a better day. I have too much on my mind as it is. I want myself back. The laughing me. Goodnight.

Bittersweet

That day will come. I can see myself crying in despair, begging for some help. I should end this. I must not continue on this uncertain path. I want reassurance and not just words. I am in no position to ask for more. Therefore, I would have to leave this. At some stage, I would have to. I am buying time here. God, help me. Give me the strength to. Give me the courage to. I don't know what to do. Give me some sign. Any sign. I want to be happy. I want to walk as freely, hand in hand. It's my fault. I knew what I was getting into but I was too weak to fight it. Please. Help me.