Heartlander

As today is Sunday, and more often than not it's my laziest day of the week, I've decided to blog randomly today. I hate picking up calls on days like these because if I do, I would have to do some silly favor for someone. And I regret picking up the call haha. Ok that aside, I just came back from AMK Hub doing some heartland activity and buying things I dont necessarily need. I need to stop buying stupid things, as the things in my drawers are actually overloaded with stuffs I don't remember getting or using. Later I would have to clear most of it. And I'm dreading to do that. Sigggghhhh. I really should start saving. And I say that every month haha. But it never happens. Oh well money is meant to be spent anyway.

Anyways, as I was walking around alone (it's kinda nice to shop alone because I can get all the stupid things I want without anyone to stop me from getting it) I was kinda reminded of helmi. Everywhere I went, I thought of all the moments where we would joke about the uncles and aunties. Indian men and family. Like how he used to pull me out from all the accessories shop and telling me not to waste any more money. Telling me ive had enough already (how can they ever be enough, need to match with other clothings mah). Then I would always argue that this is what I work for and should deserve something nice. That will be when he will tell me I'm materialistic. Lol. And we would argue and joke about it. Like how he used to kiss me on my cheek whenever and wherever. Like how he tells me I smell nice even if I don't feel I do. Like how he would roll his eyes when I tell him I feel like eating something soupy. Like how he says I'm troublesome every time and that he doesn't know why he loves me so. Like how we would walk home together. Those are the moments I cherish because he does not get to send me home all the time. And I can't complain. I would have to ask him to send me home. Because money was always an issue for him and I would tell him I can pay for everything even his bus fare just so he can send me home. But he would refuse. And I would be left taking the bus alone.

But I loved him. For all the efforts that he put in. For all the times I needed him.

I really hope he will find someone deserving like how I have found mine - officially.

;)

Somewhere only we know

I am in a happy place right now. I do not want to be anywhere but here. Spiritually and mentally. I'm ready to face all the challenges that await me. And if I were to run away from all that, just pull me back or chase after me. Because I'm pampered that way. ;)

Has been a nice Saturday. No Halloween parties and what nots. I'm in comfort of my own bed, the chills of the night breeze. I love it. When I'm in my own world, when there is no one out there to judge you (besides God, of course), these are the moments I look forward to at the end of the day. No craziness, no nothing. The time of the day when I can be at ease with myself.

Time to sleeeeeep! Goodnight sayang, someday I can say that to you in person. Possibly a quick kiss too! ;)

When night falls.

Its three in the morning, lying down on my bed after a good dinner and movie. Eyes are kinda heavy but probably I should share something before I sleep. I am thinking of you every second of the day; even when I shut my eyes. I miss you when you are away, I miss you even when I hold you tight in my arms. I love you. I love you with all my heart and I'm begging you with all of my might that you don't go breaking it.

I will always have my past with me, and they will remain in my heart forever. I love all the bittersweet memories that I carry, I love the fact that I was with helmi for the longest time. I still love him, deep in my heart I will always do. He is a great lover, friend and a great companion. The sleepovers, the unhealthy supper, the late night jokes, they mean so much to me and I promise I will never forget all that. Thank you for the sweetest of memories and I wish you well.

Now, I wanna create new beautiful memories with you. Let my past be the stepping stone for a better present and perhaps a greater future. I do not know what is in store for us and I wish I knew all the answers. I can either wait or bail or find someone who can promise me a future. Because as of now, you can't promise me anything and I won't want you to. Whenever you said "when the time comes", I would answer silently, with a question " what if it doesn't?"

Goodnight my love. I love you and perhaps that is all that matters.

The Side Order

Now I am starting to write all over again. The only time I start to write is when my mind is in knots, when my heart is in despair. The only way I can ease these nagging feelings. And that is of course, to write.

I don't even know if what I'm doing now is morally right. I wish it could have turned out differently. And now I am just gonna be the side order in a meal. You know, the french fries or salad. I can never be the main course, that I understand. But for how long? I can wait and be patient, but what am I actually hoping for?

To be with him, to be the main course in the meal? or probably just the desserts?

It is already a month and I am feeling the ache, that I can never be with him. He is married now and you know its really a sharp stab in your heart. No matter how much I tell myself that things are gonna be ok, that I know this is going to happen. But who wants to be the third party in a relationship right?

He told me to have faith in him, to believe that one day we would be together. But really would we? What about his wife? What about his family and her family? What about the 13 years that they have been with each other? I can't be the evil person to break all that. Even if I love him. Even I want so much to be with him.

I know I should not have gotten involved in this in the first place. I could not help it. Because he is really the perfect man that I wanna be with. To spend my entire days with. There has to be something amiss in this situation. Why the feelings developed out of a sudden?

I am wearing the prettiest necklace he bought for me which I do not deserve at all. I am starting to have doubts about us now, something that I don't wish to have. Everytime those doubts arise, I hold the necklace tight in my hands just so that I can feel that what we have is real, and that he remembers me wherever he goes. And everytime I receive a text from him, I know he does. :)

Maybe I will wait for him, maybe I should have faith in him. Because at the end of the day, I would have nothing to lose. I am going to risk it all for this love that I have for him.

Well you know, sometimes, the french fries, salad and desserts turn out to be tastier than the main course. ;)