Been ages since I last logged in, been ages since i took the time to ponder about my life. I have re-read some of my previous posts, smirked at some and laughed at others. It has been a hell of a ride, one that I will not want to rewrite.
Through this awakening process, I have learnt, fallen and risen. I have shed more than a few buckets of tears, laughed resoundingly and lived like there is no tomorrow. It has been a bittersweet journey, a journey that has taught me to stop and ask for directions. I have paved different ways, albeit the choices I was left with, and I have made it thus far.
It has been a year of hiatus, because 2010 was a breeze for me. It was a happy year for me, the year was filled with sunshine, lesser gloomy days and the breeze was really to my liking. I have learnt to love in more ways than one, I have changed to suit the temperature, appreciating the finer things in life. I have friends who hated that year simply because things never did go their way. It was otherwise for me. I loved 2010.
I love the way it began, and how it was stormy in the middle part of the year.
The way it ended? Hate it. Another break up, another heartache, another sad long days ahead.
And I know 2011 was not going to be a definite good year for me. Maybe God is fair. You take some, you lose some.
I have not really dealt with it just yet. I have not broken down, or done the things I should be doing after this break up. And I want to be doing the things I should be doing - NOW. I want to feel sad, down and broken. I have taken some time to reflect but I have not felt the ache. I think healing is a process that no one goes through it similarly. Clearly for mine, it starts in the later part of the stage. And I happen to be in the denial stage.
Yes I could have stayed, I could have handled the situation at hand in a more tactful way. But I was scared. I didn't know what to do. What if he had walked away instead. What if he had. Could I have handled it? Could I? I would have begged him to stay. I would have gone down on my knees and did the stupidest thing ever. I didn't want to go back there again. I have gone through it umpteen times. It hurts. It really hurts when you have knocked your head against the wall, and all he could do was to yell at you.
He could have asked me to stay, if he had loved me that much, if he had wanted me to be with him. He could have asked. He could have called out my name if he had wanted to. He didn't have to let me walk away. He could not have decided that quick. I wanted him to meet me half way, that was all I asked. I wanted us to compromise. I know how to cook, i know how to be a wife. If I were stranded on an island, I would find mean and ways to survive. Isnt that how life is? You know what to do when the situation presents itself. I didn't question him anything. I didn't question on his tardiness, on his petty ways of getting angry at the slightest thing. I didn't question him leaving me all alone in the rain, while waiting for the bus. I didn't question him watching a movie with his friends, without having the slightest decency to ask me. Do I mind that even if i didn't question him? Of course I did.
You see, I let things go easily not because I am an ignorant person. I let things go because I don't see us fighting over things that do not matter. At the end of the day we love each other, accepting all the flaws we carry. I hate fighting. It wears me off. It weakens me.
I raised my voice, but you left me for a good couple of weeks. I was rude to you, but you didn't turn up on my birthday.
So there. Maybe that is why I have still not cried. Maybe I have finally, stood up for what I believe in.
I will let nature takes its course. In my life, in this year - 2011.
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