It's ok not to be ok

Adoiii penatnyeeeeee hahaha. Just had my shower after gallivanting for about three hours around town alone. Haha initial intention was to get Xmas gift for gift exchange hahaha but hmmm ended up buying my stuff instead haha. I wasn't even planning on shopping haha but after I bought an item, i subconsciously went on a rampage haha. And I was alone so might as well. One of my purchases was a realllly pretty dress hehehehe. Thought of wearing it on Friday night, cos when I laid my eyes on it, it was love at first sight and thank god there was my size! And it was the last one. Yeayyyyy! That's destiny babbbyyyyy.

Ohhh not to mention that I walked around in the afternoon too. Haha after lunch with my sister. Was a nice wet Monday. And now, a cooling Tuesday.

Tomorrow, I need to clear the mess around my desk. I'm gonna throw everything away. I want a cleaner 2012, a smoother sailing year.
Adoiiiii malasnyeeeee nak bangun besokkkkkk. Aargh. Haha.
Goodnight!

Merpati Putih

I had a wonderful weekend, and I thought that it was going to be a miserable one. Spent time with my friends and family with a perfect chilling weather, I can't ask for a better Saturday and Sunday. Just watched mission impossible with Azly and guess what?! I didn't sleep haha. It was a good movie, love the cars and the invisible screen. Initially, I didnt want to watch it first as I thought that I might wanna watch it with A but well knew Azly wanted to watch it since Saturday else he will bug the hell out of me haha. Anyways, he is with his other half holidaying, I won't want to stay home and think about it so asked Azly to pick me up before I got emotional along with the stormy weather. And yeay it was a goooodddd decision.

Now, im beginning to get used to all these. To the fact that I love someone who belongs to someone else. I guess whatever he said on that Friday night really woke me up. I should not have pushed him. The things I did was actually self destructive, but in a good way. Haha. I get stronger every time that he's not with me. So yeay to me!

Tomorrow is Monday and I'm dreading to go to work. Not just because he is not there, but because I'm beginning to think twice about my job. Like where am I going from there? Now I'm getting envious of melly hahaaa. At least she gets to see different faces walking into the office everyday haha. Not that I don't like to see my familiar colleagues, just that I don't see myself as a necessity there haha. So yeahhhhh......

Oh went to my dad's friend wedding earlier in the afternoon and saw this makcik with gold all over her. A walking jewellery shop. Like 20 necklaces around the neck, 50 bangles on both her hands and ring one each of her ten fingers. Not that i counted it la... I just like to exaggerate but yes it looked that much. I'm not kidding on the rings on all her ten fingers though hahaha. Like WTF? Gila ke apa. Hahaa.

Okla saya nak beradu. Assalamualaikum. Cheh. Eh correct spelling right. Haha.
Malam malam! (night night)

Signs

I just cried like nobody's business. Sheets of tissue were used to dry these tears of mine. Didn't expect myself to cry that hard but well I did. Really bad. And now my eyes are swollen. Now I can't sleep. I wanted to write about something else, but I can't think of anything that I want to share now.

Because the short Malay drama is going to keep me awake all night now :Tanda tanda 100 hari sebelum kematian.

Ok nak cuci muka lepas tu baca doa banyak banyak. Selamat malam.

A pinky Saturday!

It did not rain today, the sun was shining all day long. Witnessed an eclipse earlier, was amazed by the beautiful artwork of God. Watched two movies today, slept during the second one. Hahaha 50/50, movie was at 1130pm so nothing new. Any showtime after 930, I would have to give in and let my eyes, mind rest. Movie was not that great so well, sleep it was. Don't think Azly enjoyed it too hahaaa cos he didn't comment anything at all. Sent me back and here I am, after a good shower, lying on the bed, eyes wide open. Haha.

Had a really nice afternoon watching NYE, bad second lunch, killing zombies and desserts after that. Wished it could have lasted throughout the day. Mesti best. Can explore tengok hantu ke malam malam. Pergi kubur bersiar siar. Hahaha. Go for late supper. Ini semua hanya satu harapan sahaja. Haha.

Okla ngantok pulak. Nak baca doa lepas tu tido, nak mimpi yang indah. :)

I'm craving for burger ramly yummy yum yum

Ooooh lala I just had potato salad for dinner at Starbucks. With errr peppermint mocha. Haha. A nice Starbucks at Rochester park, near bouna vista. Empty and quiet. Had a few good laughs with Azly and khai. While eating my potato salad. Azly stole one of my potatoes and it annoyed me. Hahaha. Not when I'm hungry! Nice potato salad. Love the potato salad. Haha why am I repeating what I had for dinner? Haha maybe because I only had salad hahaha. To end the day with potato salad is nice. But to end the day with shitting is even nicer hahaha. Now my stomach feels empty and mother is cooking. Ok sleep farah. Another colleague of mine told me I've slimmed down hahahahha. That compliment feels so nice. Better than having orgasm hahahahaha. Errrr ok not related at all. But you get the drift.

Was a happy busy Friday for me, tomorrow will be another good Saturday for me! One week has past by without me even realizing it. Ok gotta wake up bright and early tomorrow yeayyyyyyyyy!

Selamat malam!

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Alamak so many "e"

And oh ya the coffee club outside H&M has really poor service. One hour of waiting for our drinks. Another hour for our food. Another hour for the cutlery. Another hour for the bill.

*time mentioned is not the exact figure but honesty it felt damn long and yetttttttt we can laugh through it all even when we had intentions to complain.

Mahani, I seriously think we are being too nice. Let's be fierce together ok and I can't wait to plan for our little get away yeayyyyyyyyy!

Little Miss Sunshine

As sleepy and alone I am right now, I feel like I have to share my contentment and it's not fair that I only write when I am upset or being someone else. Haha. Had a good day today, its always fun at work. So many different people and with their peculiar behavior, it makes me smile silly every time I walk around the hotel. I guess I like the feeling of being liked so that's why its hard for me to get angry or raise my voice even when I'm annoyed. I would just suck it up, clench my fist and bite my teeth really hard. Haha or if there is a chance, i would shriek. You know that high pitched scream. Haha. Or i would go to the toilet, shake my head and punch the wall. Haha. I've never liked confrontations, I wont know what to say. Oh well.

Sometimes I laugh or talk to myself at work. Or sing while I walk to distribute papers. I'll smile at everyone and when they don't return it with a nod or a smile, I'll secretly curse them in my heart. Haha. Really, what is so hard about smiling? Not that i want your money what. Even when I don't feel like doing anything or get really sad, seeing people at work, the different races from different countries, the young and old, and I know that there is always someone out there who has seen worst days than me. The many hours of working hard to earn enough income for their family, or perhaps that lady who's laughing all the time (with whom I always enjoy talking to) is having some personal problems on her own. I won't know. Yet, they find happiness in all the sadness they might be going through. Everyone has their stories. Everyone has secrets.

There is always light at the end of the tunnel. We have got to have faith in ourselves and believe that there is a silver lining behind every dark cloud, look forward to the future and the surprises that are in store for us. 2012 is just a month away and I have plans to go on holidays, for a better year.

I am young, bubbly and sexy. And I always will be. Even if I'm old, wrinkled and fatter than I am now.
Because thats how I want to be. And that is how I am.

So there is nothing wrong in being happy all the time. Well, at least 90%. Heeeee. Still can't run away from having mood swings during my menstrual period. =)

The higher you climb, the greater you fall.

As much as I am happy being with you, the sadness and the tears are wearing me off. I'm thinking, is it worth it? Even if it was a joke, the feeling sucked. Simple as that.

When I think of how hopeful I was, I felt stupid. A fool that has been fooled. Funny or what? Really, you think that was funny? Hahaha how stupid you made me look. Fuck you. I am so fucking angry, never have I felt so annoyed. Oh my god. This is such a foolish game. Now you tell me, how can I even be hopeful for our future?

Malam bulan dipagar bintang

It's drizzling now, so cold and yet my heart feels warm. Had the norm, teh Tarik and late night supper. Endless jokes and full of laughter. Got the news that brother is making yet another trouble again. Was damn annoyed, so I lighted up a stick, two, three or maybe more.

With all the funny conversations we had just now, it was enough to end my night with a delightful contentment. Laughed at some people, but most of all laughed at Azly and his silly stories when he set the fire alarm at a mosque when he was 15. And for the whole twenty minutes he was telling the story, we all thought that he was only eight when he did that ridiculous act. Khai and his 106kg of bodyweight, wanted to lose weight but still steal people's food. Well actually we offered our leftovers la haha. Tong sampah mah. His Butang baju mintak ampun. Haha.

Now what would I do without them?

It's gonna be a fabulous weekend ahead and yeahhh I love Decembers! Gonna be a perfect ending to a wonderful 2011

I love surprises!

Came home late from work today, infact I've just taken my shower. Had dinner with friends at work and fell asleep in the bus. I think I drooled because my mouth was open when I woke up. Almost missed my bus stop, woke up in time to press the bell and alight. I kinda think that my butt hit the lady's legs when I rushed to excuse myself. Oh who cares, she should have stood up and let me have a bigger space to come out. She should be thankful I didn't fart in her face haha.

I love the watch and I love you. *Can'ttouchthisdance* hahahaha.

Goodnight world. Sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite!

On cloud nine.

I have always loved taking the bus home because you get to see many different happenings in the bus and also on the road. I get to entertain my thoughts and this is the only time I get to daydream. So many eventful things have taken place these past three months and it has been one hell of an emotional ride. I have been the happiest as well as have gone so low that I don't think I could have gone any lower than that. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the reason I have been at the lowest point is because I made myself to be there. I can choose to be happy and be surrounded with wonderful friends and a loving family. I love to laugh, I love to see people I love happy. I love the energy of a happy surrounding and I hate to be sad.

Life is too short to be wondering about what ifs. We don't have all the time in the world to be scared. To be thinking of things that we do not have control of. I am not necessarily a nice person,I do bad things I'm not even proud of. But I don't regret it, I would probably regret it if I didn't kiss him on that night. It might have turned out differently, but would I then be happy? I probably would have missed the chance to get to know him. I would have not laughed as much and be as happy as I am right now. I would have not enjoyed work as much as I do now. I would have not be so excited to come to work and see the faces of my colleagues so early in the morning. The funny memories, the thousands of expressions we exchange, the cute little surprises, the dinners, the lunches and breakfasts we have together. The taxi rides, the journey in the train, the conversations we hold as we walk side by side. The silly games we play and the sarcastic remarks we throw at each other. The funny texts and images we send when we are apart. The movie nights, the car rides, and unfortunate incidents (losing an expensive car key and oh yes bought the wrong date for a movie). The chalet, the hotel stay. The dinner and dance. The walk to funan, to peninsula and the crossing of roads dangerously. The office nights and mornings. And all of these happened, to my surprise, in the past three months we are intimately together.

I want to be with him so much, so much so that I am not even thinking of being with anyone else, of being the perfect girlfriend or wife for anyone else besides him. I'll be giving everything that I have and probably so much more if we were to be together in the future. He tickles my heart like no one has ever done, and it beats faster every time that i see him. He probably wont know this but I will die for him. I will do whatever it takes to not see the little sadness in his eyes.

As I am reaching my destination now, I have not even shed a single tear. Hahaha. I have been smiling to myself throughout this journey and this has been the easiest post I have written so far. Because words flow like water. Like probably this was what I have been keeping to myself all along.

Big Bad Wolf

Ok so I am forced to write something happy. Errrrrrrrrrrrrr...

Errrrrrr... Hmmmmmmmmm..................Okkkkkkkkk..Ermmmmmmmmm........

Wah so hard. Haha. Nevermind, I will just write whatever happened this weekend la haaa.. Well it was a nice relaxing weekend and as much as I enjoyed it with Smelly, I really wish that I could have spent more time with A. Because he is too handsome that I can never see him walk away from me. The most good looking man I have ever been out with, oh dear, I even dream about him almost every night. He is a perfect catch and I bet many girls are jealous I am out with him. HAHAHAHA. ERRRRRR YA.

Ok this is not a happy post, this is a ridiculous one. HAHAHA.
Anyways I was so sleepy that I fell in a deep sleep on the train. Because AGAIN my sleep in the morning got interrupted. Hahaha. But a pleasant surprise, damn he should have come dressed up in a Pizza delivery uniform or something hahaha. That would be an ultimate dream come true.

And oh ya, strangely mother invited A to brother's wedding without me even asking. She didn't even ask if any of my friends wanted to come. How strange is that.

This has been a nice rainy weekend, and I hope for more of these to come in future. ;)

In another life, I would make you stay.

At the end of the day, I need someone to stay. Not to go away and leave me astray.

I can never write a happy post because as it is, my happiness will inevitably be short-lived.

Happy (sinful) Friday!

I woke up today feeling so alive, not just because its Friday. This happiness within is something so indescribable that suddenly the morning looks so much brighter and it smells a whole lot sweeter. I got a very early morning surprise from A, and nothing beats the feeling of knowing that there is actually someone who cared enough to travel the distance and wait for you with so much sweat haha. Never have I expected anything out of this, out of him. Though he failed to surprise me yesterday (because I looked back and saw him) he tried again this morning and succeeded. He is such a funny funny man and whenever I look at him, I'm amazed at how incredible he is at how much sunshine he has brought into my life.

I can never thank him enough, for all the days and moments he makes me laugh. For all the times that he try so hard to see me smile. I am not going to take that for granted, I am never gonna allow a day of sadness in his life and i am gonna be hopeful that one day we will be together.

Ps: yeay! My first happy post hahaha;)

Delicious prata for breakfast and I am gonna order some kfc for lunch laterrrrr yeahhh yeahhh! Happy happy Friday for me ;)

Run for hope

Coldplay's new song Is repeatedly playing in my head, Paradise. It is a lovely tune, especially when you need something to distract yourself from the complications of life. Besides the song which is constantly playing in my overworked mind, images too are flashing along with it. It's like some PowerPoint slideshow that I'm discreetly watching. Images of things I wish I had not seen. Of which had slapped me hard into reality. It has forcefully brought my head (which was happily up in the clouds) back to earth again. Never have I ever imagined myself to be stuck in the rut, to be a part of all these. I have gone against things I believe in, against the sanctity of marriage. It ached too much that I didn't even cry. Like probably im numb to all these emotions. Like probably I don't wanna care anymore. Like maybe I've given up. It was a painful rub in my face, showing me that this won't go anywhere at all. I'm losing my faith in love. I'm losing the trust in us.

I remember saying to myself that I've got nothing to lose in the end. Well, I'm taking that back now. I've got everything to lose; my heart, my dignity as a woman and my happiness.

The images are too disturbing that I would rather watch baboons mating. You were a mistake. This whole thing was a bloody mistake.
You looked happy in the pictures. You told me that you didn't love her anymore but I know you were lying. You kissed her like she is the only person that mattered in the world. Because I believe a picture speaks a thousand words. I'm not angry at you or anyone for that matter. I'm just frustrated at myself. For letting my heart do the talking. For leaving it in your hands. I want it back now. I want to keep it safe. And until someone like you comes along, then I would readily give it.

I have stopped believing. She wins.

Gotta run tomorrow, good morning! ;)

Zzzzz

So finally we had a serious conversation in the afternoon. It was hard to talk without tearing up. Surprisingly I felt a bit better after the talk although he did not give much of an assurance, he listened and understood. He asked me what I wanted out of this relationship. Go figure.

The only way I can get out of this whole thing is when I get out of the place. And I know it will come soon. I just don't know when.
If only life was that simple.

Ok I'm sleepy now. Xoxoxo.

Cos I love the way you say good morning.

These past few days have been incredibly fun. And i want more of these in time to come. Something happened on the weekend that I am not proud of. As much as I know that this would eventually end, I am still fighting whatever time there is. Since I know that time is going to beat me in the end, I might as well use it for now right?

I love you, more than I could ever promise. Look for me in time to come because I will be waiting.

Goodnight baby.

Drained out

To be back home and see so many sour faces, it just
kills my mood. Have no idea why, what's happening so I decide to just take a shower and watch tv. Sometimes, its best to keep quiet and imagine the best of everything. Hate nights like these. I'm tired. I need some positive energy to keep me going. And times like these I need a happy sister. Ugh. And not some angry and moody one. Why do I always have to figure out what is wrong with you? Ok I think I just need to sleep to a better day. I have too much on my mind as it is. I want myself back. The laughing me. Goodnight.

Bittersweet

That day will come. I can see myself crying in despair, begging for some help. I should end this. I must not continue on this uncertain path. I want reassurance and not just words. I am in no position to ask for more. Therefore, I would have to leave this. At some stage, I would have to. I am buying time here. God, help me. Give me the strength to. Give me the courage to. I don't know what to do. Give me some sign. Any sign. I want to be happy. I want to walk as freely, hand in hand. It's my fault. I knew what I was getting into but I was too weak to fight it. Please. Help me.

Heartlander

As today is Sunday, and more often than not it's my laziest day of the week, I've decided to blog randomly today. I hate picking up calls on days like these because if I do, I would have to do some silly favor for someone. And I regret picking up the call haha. Ok that aside, I just came back from AMK Hub doing some heartland activity and buying things I dont necessarily need. I need to stop buying stupid things, as the things in my drawers are actually overloaded with stuffs I don't remember getting or using. Later I would have to clear most of it. And I'm dreading to do that. Sigggghhhh. I really should start saving. And I say that every month haha. But it never happens. Oh well money is meant to be spent anyway.

Anyways, as I was walking around alone (it's kinda nice to shop alone because I can get all the stupid things I want without anyone to stop me from getting it) I was kinda reminded of helmi. Everywhere I went, I thought of all the moments where we would joke about the uncles and aunties. Indian men and family. Like how he used to pull me out from all the accessories shop and telling me not to waste any more money. Telling me ive had enough already (how can they ever be enough, need to match with other clothings mah). Then I would always argue that this is what I work for and should deserve something nice. That will be when he will tell me I'm materialistic. Lol. And we would argue and joke about it. Like how he used to kiss me on my cheek whenever and wherever. Like how he tells me I smell nice even if I don't feel I do. Like how he would roll his eyes when I tell him I feel like eating something soupy. Like how he says I'm troublesome every time and that he doesn't know why he loves me so. Like how we would walk home together. Those are the moments I cherish because he does not get to send me home all the time. And I can't complain. I would have to ask him to send me home. Because money was always an issue for him and I would tell him I can pay for everything even his bus fare just so he can send me home. But he would refuse. And I would be left taking the bus alone.

But I loved him. For all the efforts that he put in. For all the times I needed him.

I really hope he will find someone deserving like how I have found mine - officially.

;)

Somewhere only we know

I am in a happy place right now. I do not want to be anywhere but here. Spiritually and mentally. I'm ready to face all the challenges that await me. And if I were to run away from all that, just pull me back or chase after me. Because I'm pampered that way. ;)

Has been a nice Saturday. No Halloween parties and what nots. I'm in comfort of my own bed, the chills of the night breeze. I love it. When I'm in my own world, when there is no one out there to judge you (besides God, of course), these are the moments I look forward to at the end of the day. No craziness, no nothing. The time of the day when I can be at ease with myself.

Time to sleeeeeep! Goodnight sayang, someday I can say that to you in person. Possibly a quick kiss too! ;)

When night falls.

Its three in the morning, lying down on my bed after a good dinner and movie. Eyes are kinda heavy but probably I should share something before I sleep. I am thinking of you every second of the day; even when I shut my eyes. I miss you when you are away, I miss you even when I hold you tight in my arms. I love you. I love you with all my heart and I'm begging you with all of my might that you don't go breaking it.

I will always have my past with me, and they will remain in my heart forever. I love all the bittersweet memories that I carry, I love the fact that I was with helmi for the longest time. I still love him, deep in my heart I will always do. He is a great lover, friend and a great companion. The sleepovers, the unhealthy supper, the late night jokes, they mean so much to me and I promise I will never forget all that. Thank you for the sweetest of memories and I wish you well.

Now, I wanna create new beautiful memories with you. Let my past be the stepping stone for a better present and perhaps a greater future. I do not know what is in store for us and I wish I knew all the answers. I can either wait or bail or find someone who can promise me a future. Because as of now, you can't promise me anything and I won't want you to. Whenever you said "when the time comes", I would answer silently, with a question " what if it doesn't?"

Goodnight my love. I love you and perhaps that is all that matters.

The Side Order

Now I am starting to write all over again. The only time I start to write is when my mind is in knots, when my heart is in despair. The only way I can ease these nagging feelings. And that is of course, to write.

I don't even know if what I'm doing now is morally right. I wish it could have turned out differently. And now I am just gonna be the side order in a meal. You know, the french fries or salad. I can never be the main course, that I understand. But for how long? I can wait and be patient, but what am I actually hoping for?

To be with him, to be the main course in the meal? or probably just the desserts?

It is already a month and I am feeling the ache, that I can never be with him. He is married now and you know its really a sharp stab in your heart. No matter how much I tell myself that things are gonna be ok, that I know this is going to happen. But who wants to be the third party in a relationship right?

He told me to have faith in him, to believe that one day we would be together. But really would we? What about his wife? What about his family and her family? What about the 13 years that they have been with each other? I can't be the evil person to break all that. Even if I love him. Even I want so much to be with him.

I know I should not have gotten involved in this in the first place. I could not help it. Because he is really the perfect man that I wanna be with. To spend my entire days with. There has to be something amiss in this situation. Why the feelings developed out of a sudden?

I am wearing the prettiest necklace he bought for me which I do not deserve at all. I am starting to have doubts about us now, something that I don't wish to have. Everytime those doubts arise, I hold the necklace tight in my hands just so that I can feel that what we have is real, and that he remembers me wherever he goes. And everytime I receive a text from him, I know he does. :)

Maybe I will wait for him, maybe I should have faith in him. Because at the end of the day, I would have nothing to lose. I am going to risk it all for this love that I have for him.

Well you know, sometimes, the french fries, salad and desserts turn out to be tastier than the main course. ;)

2011.

And then its 2011...

Been ages since I last logged in, been ages since i took the time to ponder about my life. I have re-read some of my previous posts, smirked at some and laughed at others. It has been a hell of a ride, one that I will not want to rewrite.

Through this awakening process, I have learnt, fallen and risen. I have shed more than a few buckets of tears, laughed resoundingly and lived like there is no tomorrow. It has been a bittersweet journey, a journey that has taught me to stop and ask for directions. I have paved different ways, albeit the choices I was left with, and I have made it thus far.

It has been a year of hiatus, because 2010 was a breeze for me. It was a happy year for me, the year was filled with sunshine, lesser gloomy days and the breeze was really to my liking. I have learnt to love in more ways than one, I have changed to suit the temperature, appreciating the finer things in life. I have friends who hated that year simply because things never did go their way. It was otherwise for me. I loved 2010.
I love the way it began, and how it was stormy in the middle part of the year.
The way it ended? Hate it. Another break up, another heartache, another sad long days ahead.
And I know 2011 was not going to be a definite good year for me. Maybe God is fair. You take some, you lose some.

I have not really dealt with it just yet. I have not broken down, or done the things I should be doing after this break up. And I want to be doing the things I should be doing - NOW. I want to feel sad, down and broken. I have taken some time to reflect but I have not felt the ache. I think healing is a process that no one goes through it similarly. Clearly for mine, it starts in the later part of the stage. And I happen to be in the denial stage.

Yes I could have stayed, I could have handled the situation at hand in a more tactful way. But I was scared. I didn't know what to do. What if he had walked away instead. What if he had. Could I have handled it? Could I? I would have begged him to stay. I would have gone down on my knees and did the stupidest thing ever. I didn't want to go back there again. I have gone through it umpteen times. It hurts. It really hurts when you have knocked your head against the wall, and all he could do was to yell at you.

He could have asked me to stay, if he had loved me that much, if he had wanted me to be with him. He could have asked. He could have called out my name if he had wanted to. He didn't have to let me walk away. He could not have decided that quick. I wanted him to meet me half way, that was all I asked. I wanted us to compromise. I know how to cook, i know how to be a wife. If I were stranded on an island, I would find mean and ways to survive. Isnt that how life is? You know what to do when the situation presents itself. I didn't question him anything. I didn't question on his tardiness, on his petty ways of getting angry at the slightest thing. I didn't question him leaving me all alone in the rain, while waiting for the bus. I didn't question him watching a movie with his friends, without having the slightest decency to ask me. Do I mind that even if i didn't question him? Of course I did.

You see, I let things go easily not because I am an ignorant person. I let things go because I don't see us fighting over things that do not matter. At the end of the day we love each other, accepting all the flaws we carry. I hate fighting. It wears me off. It weakens me.

I raised my voice, but you left me for a good couple of weeks. I was rude to you, but you didn't turn up on my birthday.

So there. Maybe that is why I have still not cried. Maybe I have finally, stood up for what I believe in.

I will let nature takes its course. In my life, in this year - 2011.