2009.

i am not good with my words or actions.
i think with my mind then i evaluate with my heart.
i need to further cleanse my soul.
and ease all the unwanted tensions.

i read a book yesterday which was given as a gift.
in it there was a quote which i could very much relate to.
--I was trapped on a wheel that turned endlessly on the same theme--
i paused,i stared hard into an open space.
i started to grief.

first day of 2009, i received a mail.
it was from someone i had not seen or talked to for months.
i knew i would have have to read it.
and honestly i was anticipating the content.
my heart beats fast,my soul was lifted for a minute.
if i was alone at home,i would have given a loud wail.

by thinking with my mind.
i know i would have to move on.
but after evaluating it with my heart.
i know this is never going to be easy.
uncertainties and doubts arise.
and,time shall pass.
i am not going to be fine.

end of january,i cant wait.
to go to a place where peace and serenity only exist.
guarded with my two very good friends.
here we come,oh the lovely island of phuket.

to that sender of the mail,
it really hurts to read it knowing that is not real.
the last phrase that you wrote.
it was so overwhelming,i felt silly.
i know i should not believe it.
because people do change.
feelings as i have witnessed it,change overtime.
i hate you,the very thought of you.
how you avoided and without saying anything,
you bailed.

i am a sucker for you.
you know that.
but i cant do anything now.
i cant be begging for the good old days to come back.
i have someone who loves me now.
i dont love him as much.
however love itself can be nurtured.

i pray for my happiness.
and yours too.
i love you.
for the person that you are.
for the man that i could never be with.