My world would be a better place...

...if I did not have to work. It would be much better if money is not needed to experience the simplest pleasures in life, say travelling. Sometimes i do not get the idea that we have to work to earn income, just to spend it, and then earn it back. Won't be so simple if we did not have to pay for anything we want?
In other words, won't it be uber cool if money is non-existent? Wishful thinking, I know, but hey its my world.

I don't really have anything to complain and whine about actually. The world i live in is already a comfy place. With willow trees, my own creation of fictional characters playing around in Victoria's Secret Garden, and the smell of pear glace attracting the butterflies flying around so freely.
I would be extremely happy if people do not chase for material things to content them. I do not yearn to own expensive things or live lavishly, i just want the simplest things in life to make us happy. Somehow or rather, this contentment is something i do not feel 24/7. It would be really amazing if i could be forever thankful with the things that i have now.

My world would be so much better if i could sit back and learn how to appreciate these little happy things that people tend to forget.
Like playing with your hamster, laughing at her silly antics and pet her to sleep.
Lke walking in the rain, drenching yourself while crossing the road.
Like playing online games with friends, discussing about killing zombies and finding ways to complete a stage.
Like having a teh tarik at kgc til the wee hours before being shooed away by the owners.
Like sleeping in on a rainy day with your loved one.
Like loving yourself, growing old but not growing up.

There are so many inexpensive things in life that could make me happy.
I just need to learn to be thankful and my world of fictional characters and victoria's secret garden WILL be the best place on earth.

:)

Mint Chocolate Chip Ice cream on a cone.

I cant really describe what is happening now. It feels wrong but it feels so right at the same time. I know im putting myself in the line of fire, the fear of getting the disagreement nods from others. My mind is wrecked but yet at ease. I dont feel exhausted mentally anymore. I wake up feeling so rejuvenated and alive, like nothing else matters anyway.
I hope to God that this feeling will last, not just another of those phases that I have previously faced. Ive met someone new and really, im loving it.

:)

In my heart, thoughts and prayers.

How To Let Your Ex Go

Most people had relationships in their past that didn't work. Most people have at least one such relationship that is very hard to let go of. This is the one that got away, but shouldn't have. This is the one that felt as if it was meant to be. This is the one that felt like true love yet just would not work. How do you let go of a relationship like this?
When your partner in that relationship was at his or her best, he or she met all of your needs. He or she was the perfect fit for you. If he or she could have been that way with you 100% of the time, rather than just sometimes, you would be in the relationship still. The times he or she was everything you needed are hard to let go of. You have been looking for that kind of love all of your life.
Here was a person who could meet your needs the way you have always wanted. You knew he or she could, because sometimes he or she did. But he or she wouldn't. You wanted to make, force, remind or talk him or her into it. You did everything possible to make him or her be the way you wanted 100% of the time. You may have asked him or her to go to therapy. You used all of the tricks in the book you could come up with to evoke the behavior you wanted.
Finally you left the relationship. You knew you deserved better than just some fraction of what you wanted. But the attachment to your ex lingers. It lingers because you never succeeded in making him or her fulfill your needs completely. It feels as if you failed. You feel that somehow not getting what you wanted was your fault. If you were only good enough your ex would have given you the love you wanted, all of the time. After all, he or she did give it to you some of the time.
It is not easy to move on to another relationship after such an experience. It is not easy to attract love, or give your heart to someone new. It is hard to believe you will have such love and passion with anyone else. At the same time, it is hard to trust that you will somehow avoid hurt the next time around.
Another thing that keeps you hooked into that relationship is anger. Anger arises when someone has something you want but won't give it to you, especially when the giving of the thing would seem to be the natural or the expected thing to do. You are justified in being angry, yet anger is a way to stay connected to someone, albeit not a positive way.
There is another reason why it's hard to let go of the relationship that got away. The person you were in love with truly had great qualities. With him or her you had an incredible connection. Maybe he or she loved you intensely. He or she may still love you. The only problem in the relationship was that he or she could only treat you well part of the time. The rest of the time, he or she acted hurtfully towards you. It is very difficult to throw away this type of connection. And it is more difficult still when you interact with the wonderful, caring side of him or her. Having to walk away from such a relationship can be the hardest thing you will ever do. Even when you walk away it may still pull at your heart.
It is so much easier to let go of someone when it is clear he or she doesn't care about you. It may even be easier to let go of someone who dies, because there is nothing that can be done. But to let go of someone who is well and alive and loves you is an incredible task. Yet let go you must if the partner you are clinging to is not willing to meet your needs. If you are ever to be fulfilled in any relationship, you must let go completely of this past partner. So how do you do this? How do you let go of the living, breathing former partner who may love you, or whom you may love, and yet who is not good for you? How do you let go of the one who seems to have been the one?
The first step is to understand that your partner would have given you the moon and the stars if he or she could have. Even when he or she appeared to be holding back or hurting you on purpose, he or she was always doing the best he or she could. Understand that he or she never intentionally hurt you.
To let go of your past relationship, you will first need to forgive your ex, forgive yourself, and understand that his or her behavior was not your fault. Understand that all that he or she did, the good and the bad all together, comprise the totality of this person. Sometimes he or she was wonderful and sometimes he or she was horrible. And all of the time he or she was the person you cared for.
There is no way you could only have his or her good side. Because you were connected to the whole person, you had to experience the bad side as well. His or her bad side was hurtful, and in the end the bad outweighed the good. Since the bad side was a part of the package and could not be changed, the whole package had to go.
Secondly, do something to honor and cherish the true connection between the two of you. In fact, you may need to honor that connection for a long time. There was a wonderful part of him or her, a loving and nurturing part. There was love for you; there may still be love for you. You may always love that part of your ex.
How do you honor the connection to your ex? Honor your love and connection in prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and in your actions. Use the gift of the connection as an inspiration to find more of that kind of love in your future partners.
When you are ready, send thoughts of peace, healing, and joy to your ex whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss him or her, send him or her your love. In this way you can still love him or her, while keeping your distance and protecting yourself from his or her hurtful behavior.
You may be hesitant to do this. You may be afraid that it will make you go back into the relationship with your ex. But understand I am not saying your ex-partner will change and become more of what you wanted. Most likely, your ex will remain exactly as he or she is, at least as far as you are concerned.
The reason to honor your connection is not to somehow bring your ex-partner back. Instead, by honoring the good of the relationship, you become free of the anger you feel towards him or her. By honoring the gifts he or she gave you, instead of focusing on what he or she did not give you, you will begin to feel peace and gratitude.
Remembering that your ex came as a complete package, combining the very good with the intolerably bad, will give you the strength to not go back into that relationship. And freeing yourself of anger at your ex will give you the ability to move on and deeply love another person.
If you need help: If you are having trouble letting go of a relationship, I can help you in a private Advice & Coaching Session. I guarantee that you will experience more peace and clarity, and less attachment towards your ex.

By:
Love Coach Rinatta Paries

Cremation.

7 Months, that was all it took to date someone else. After 3 and a half years of a bittersweet relationship, after saying that no other person is going to make you feel as loved, after all the intimate moments, and all it took was merely 7 months for you to get over it.

WHY AM I ANGRY AT THE SITUATION THEN WHEN I WAS THE ONE WHO WANTED IT TO END?

I don't know, I can't explain myself anymore. I just feel so betrayed. So stupid for wanting a perfect relationship when i myself cant make it work to perfection.
I am just angry at the fact that you could start to love someone else already. At the fact that you did not wait for at least a year to get over our relationship. At the fact that I am still hoping for myself to change so we could make it better.
At the fact that i still love you.

4 years taken away to realise that I would end up in this sorry state.
So much for the crying and the begging and the promises.
So much for everything.

I have deleted you off from my contact list, from my day and night dreams.
Goodbye, i shall never speak of you again.
That, I promise.

I wanna travel,i wanna travel with you.

"Just so you know, I'm dating someone"
My heart broke. Expression changed, mind stopped thinking.
I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like Izy said, "It sucks".
So much for the wishful thinking. So much for thinking that you would probably wait.
Why the foolishness?

I have stopped believing.

Thank you friends, for just being there. For just being the way that you guys are.
Its time to do some soul searching and self reflecting.
But before I do that,
let me just wallow in self pity first.

Ramadhan,goodness over evil.

We are already two weeks (almost) into Ramadhan, and the irony of it, I have not felt the Ramadhan spirit yet. It seemed so different these years, now that I am much older. I remember it was not as sombre as this when I was back in primary school or secondary school for that matter. It was much more grandeur and special back then, in which you could feel the joyous spirit and the incredible aura that was spread across the Muslim community.
This year, it feels like I am forced to fast. Like I fast because everyone else is doing it, like the meaning of this pristine month is lost in the wilderness of this modern era. I read up a few articles on Ramadhan, dating back to when it first began, on the reasons why we Muslims should adhere to the one pillars of Islam, it seemed rather intriguing.
As a Virgo, I would always want to find the logical meaning behind every action and so that was why I embarked on this unprecedented journey to find the most logical reasoning.


"O who believe, fasting is decreed for you as it was decreed for those before you;perchance you will guard yourselves....The month of Ramadan is the monthin which the Koran was sent down,a guidance for the people,and clear verses of guidance andcriterion. [Quran: Chapter 2, 183] "

In this article, it was cited that Fasting is, among other things, the best way to learn how to attain piety.
I believe Fasting has its unspoken perks, from what I understand, this is the month when we get much closer to GOD and his supremacy, observe closely at the great wonders of the universe and its creations. Pray and listen to his teachings, because we as His humble creatures are the ones who are going to reap the benefits eventually. We are abstained from doing things that are not condoned in his teachings.

But then again, the ultimate motive of reading through the article is to find the logic in fasting.
And i could not find any.
What logic is there starving ourselves from dawn to dusk?
I dont think its much of dieting because in the end, you tend to overeat(mind is saying "you didnt eat the whole day so this is the time for you to feast on good food").
What logic is there when you are specifically instructed to fast because its one of the pillars of Islam?
Because i believe praying 5 times a day is also another pillar that makes you true a Muslim(but how often do you see people religously doing it without complaining of not having the capacity to set aside 5 minutes of his/her time)
What logic is there, contrary to poular belief, that fasting helps you to save money?
You can save money on any other day on any other month. Fasting just prevents you from buying lunch. Then what about the break of fast?

I could not find a good enough logic on why we should really fast. Maybe those who have found them may like to share with me and I am happy enough to listen.

Needless to say, I am not against my own religion or frown upon the act of fasting. In fact I, without any doubt, love this month of Ramadhan. I can boastfully say that its my favourite month out of any other islamic month. I love the spirit and the camaraderie that is established in this month. Knowing that the Muslims across the region break fast at the same time upon hearing the 'azan' (call of prayer), it makes me feel like I belong to the world, like I belong to Allah.

It is my belief and faith in Islam that I fast. It is this faith that supersedes all logical reasons, commands beyond considerable doubts, that I fast year after year since I was about nine.
And without questions i shall continue to fast because as it is,
I live To obey Allah's injunction.


P.S: I will obey the second pillar (praying 5 times a day) when i have it in my heart to fight the demon within me.

:)

A little something.

"You are longing for a little love and tenderness. At present you are feeling very sensitive and need a sympathetic shoulder to lean on. You don't need any further stresses, strains or arguments so take a deep breath and relax.
You are in need of rest, some peace and quiet. You feel the need to be close to that someone special, that someone who can give you that special consideration and unquestioning affection that you seek. If you don't find that 'special someone' and resolve your problems very soon, you are liable to become extremely introverted and cut yourself off from society.
At times one is burdened with more than one's fair share of problems and this would appear to be your situation at present. But you are adamant - you know what you wish to achieve - and by giving a little and taking a little you may well find that the realization of your dreams could become a reality.
The tension that you are experiencing at this time is perhaps due to physical and/or mental frustration. It would appear that you are not appreciated and as a consequence, the situation is most disagreeable. You seek personal recognition and the appreciation of others to compensate for the lack of like minded people with whom to ally yourself. You would like to surrender and merge with others but your inherent self-restraint makes it difficult for you to open up. This disturbs you as you regard such instincts as weaknesses to be overcome. You want to be liked, admired and appreciated for yourself.
You are greatly impressed by individuality and have interest in people who have outstanding qualities. You try to imitate those people that you admire and their characteristics, hoping that you will be able to display similar qualities in your own personality."

And I shall not deny it.
Go ahead,try it for yourself:
http://goldinuniverse.com/

:)

Without a lunchbox.

Dark clouds are dominating the skies now, with the possibility of seeing me drifting off and going to sleep. Almost everyone in the office has gone down to get lunch, I should have followed but Im just too lazy to make small talks with random people.
I am not fasting today because (you know why) and I am pretty hungry. Maybe I will get something quick to eat to fill these little hunger pangs. I am sure most of the food is probably gone by now after the ravishing animals have gone to pounce on them.

I am waiting for them to come up so I won't have to coincidentally meet them halfway. Too bad there is only one way to get down to the canteen and that way is through the ELEVATOR.
Maybe ill go down at one and see whats left. See if the animals are kind enough to leave me some food for me to salvage.

I am bored. I need some life in me to keep my body mechanism working.
Too bad I cant whine to anyone because that anyone else has also some problems to whine about.
Its good that I have you.
But its not good that you cant hug me now.

All i need now is a blanket,a few pillows and someone familiar to snuggle with.
And if i were to given a choice, i would choose that over a million dollars.

:)

Gravity Rides Everything.

I seriously would like to think that the reason you did not wish me anything on my birthday yesterday is because you still can't find it in the corners of your heart to forgive me rather than you actually forgetting that it was my birthday. But whatever it is, both the former and the latter reasons, make me realise that it is actually time for me to eradicate the last three and a half years of memories shared with you. Backspace the events and destroy it in the recycle bin.
WELL this was what i wanted anyway. To begin with, i ALSO did not wish you anything on your birthday because (well i had my silly reasons).
And if that was the third reason you did not text me, oh well, then its time for me to doubt your maturity.

I dreamt of you after sahur,and in that dream of mine, we met up. We talked about some random things and and then we held hands. I took a glance at you, and putting my pride aside, i hugged you tight. You whispered to me that you loved me, and i smiled replying the same thing too.
And funny, it just ended there.

But I digress.

I had an amazing bday celebration yesterday. With my 3 very best friends and my incredible sister celebrating with me on my special day, i feel like nothing else matters in the world.
And that was all i needed and asked for.

I made a wish before blowing the candles on the dark chocolate sumptuous brownies.
Among other things i wished for, I wished for your happiness.
And for once, please Dear God, grant me that very one wish.

I am looking forward to Saturday, because then everything will fall right into place.:)

You said move on, where do I go?

" You're like an indian summer in the middle of winter, like a hard candy with a surprise center"
And that song is stuck in my head ever since this morning.
My lips have subtly turned blue due to the extreme low temperature in the office, and my hands are numb making it a challenge for me to write.
Fasting while working in this cold condition is extremely hard, not that i am complaining about anything. Its just that time seems to stand still and even if it does progress, it does ever so slowly. I refuse to look at the time on the bottom right of the screen, lest i would be disappointed with the digits i see. But, when I do ocassionally glance, it saddens me.

It amazes me on how strong my immune system is. With this kind of icelandic temperature(feels like im living in an igloo), I am not surprised if i ever do fall sick. Well,thanks to my immune system then for fighting off the bad viruses that,i believe, has invaded my body every now and then. If only I could trade it to a super high metabolism,wont that be nice?

Tommorrow is 26 August 09. I love birthdays. Just not mine this year.

Chicken pau now,tomorrow have to puasa liao.

Oh no no no no no.
Tomorrow is the start of the fasting month, the month of Ramadan. I am quite anxious about it but then again, I am not prepared at all. I do not know if the reasons I am fasting is solely because its the norm for Muslims to do so or I really want to do it because it is one of the pillars of Islam.
In Islam law, there are five pillars in which we, who are religiously abiding or just conforming to the religion because we are born to it, have to abide.

And you know what else, go and find for yourself what are the five pillars.
Okla i wanna eat my pau.

And aifah,please.
BE STRONG!

I have not been good this year.

It is my birthday next week and strangely i am not looking forward to it, the very first time i am not hyped about my special day.
This year's bday,to me, is like any other ordinary day.
Is it because i am getting older?
or is it because i know i wont receive a present that i want so badly?

I have called up Sakura International Buffet and reserved a place for the 29th of August.
And the only present that i am wishing for is you.
I am not asking you to come,because i know you won't.

It is just nice wishing for something you won't get.

Then again, my bestest friends will be there no matter what.
I am contented enough.:)

There is a girl in my mirror.

I really do not know what to do to forget things. I have tried to keep myself busy with my daily activities. Talked and laughed with friends but these unhappy emotions still do not want to go away.
How does anyone do it?
Should i meet and make new friends?
Go on random dates?
Do other interesting activities?
Stay away from everyone?
Pray?
I am really sad. I cant even face myself. After all, I am thought as a happy person, a person who shivers when listening to friends talking about mushy stuffs.
I am like that,but the irony of it, i wanna feel like that. I wanna feel that i am needed in someone's life,like i am loved. I wanna receive love notes, i wanna hear those lovely sincere words from someone.
I feel like i am betraying myself, i have no idea how i became like this.
I want to cry so bad,but i know i can't. So many reasons why i would have to hold my tears everytime.
I tell myself everyday to be strong, to look forward to finer things. Maybe this is how it was supposed to be.
I am embarassed,with myself. With friends i am surrounded with.
With you i am still holding on to.

Its the wrong kind of place to be thinking of you.

Dear Crazy thoughts,

Could you please kindly find your way out of my mind?
You are seriously driving me crazy. I need to wake up to a beautiful morning thinking about my life rather than yours.
So please. I am exhausted,you are everywhere in the spaces of my mind,you are just filling it up.
Let my other thoughts have the space to play. Do not hog them,be thoughtful of others.

I am begging you to go away. Please.
Helplessly asking you crazy thougts to disappear.
I am not entitled to do anything about it,
so please go.

Yours,
The carrier of crazy thoughts.

Wishing tree.

Too much,too little words posessed to describe the fine details of the happenings last weekend.
I can safely say that it was one of the best weekends ever this year.
The smell of sweat and bbq smoke,the taste of deliciously marinated chicken and burnt hotdogs,the perfect homely cooked bee hoon and the spicy squid,oh and the creamy rich sinful sumptuous cupcakes(I AM CRAVING FOR THAT NOW!),and the beatiful people who came to ravish all the food,the steak and the marshmallow,the wine and the beers,they are just too wonderful to be forgotten.
We talked under the starless sky,by the quiet pool,laughed too loud in the wee hours of saturday morning.
Took alot of awesome pictures on our nation's b'day.We went to the railtracks and then to Mount Faber to catch the fireworks at night.
We were happy,we were really.
Maybe i will upload the pictures here for myself to see,for my future self to reminisce.

But in all that happiness and laughter and sweat(been really hot over the weekend),i wish you were there.
Secretly,I wished.

Then again,wishes dont come true that easily.
And why is that so,I wonder.

Pear Glace.

I feel so tired today,like what I really need now is the beach,the sand the clear blue skies,the untainted vast ocean,with the sound of waves crashing in while i lie on the colourful mat listening to Lenka or Jason Mraz or Britney Spears or Jack Johnshon or anything at all with a glass or lychee martini on my right side,a subway sandwich and a jumbo hotdog on my left together with my book,a funny chick lit book in which i can smile pretty underneath my beautiful framed shades allowing the sun to burn my skin till it stings and then closing the book for awhile to bask in the serenity of the island,shutting my eyes to pay attention to the rhythm of the beats being played at the bar harmonising with the gust of freshly scented wind telling myself that this is where i should be,where i should stay,where i should never leave.

Shallow Marshmallow

As it is, I am not smart. I try to be,though. Or rather, I act smart.
I can't stay focused on one subject,my attention span is pretty short actually.
Sometimes,when people talk to me, I do not know what to answer.
Cos most of the times, I am afraid they won't get me. I cant form a proper sentence neither in english,nor malay. I would use singlish to explain things,or to get a point across.
And when they dont understand me, I would say "NVM la". Effort is never made,too plain lazy?
Yes,probably.

I get interested in things easily, but also to lose it quickly. Lets say, I find the outerspace,the orion,the cluster of stars, the auroras, the history of mayan civilisation fascinating BUT that reading up on those things to feed my acute thirst for knowledge will last,say 5 minutes?

The thing is,i am shallow-minded (notice i didnt insert "quite or pretty" before shallow) because I know I am,sadly I have to raise the white flag and admit this.
I do not like to think,it exhausts me. I say and act without taking a good few seconds to think. Like a pencil which is not sharpened, I can,too, be considered that way. BLUNT.

I think simple,like all the preceding examplary entries i made, I use basic english words.
Nothing too hard,for you to copy paste the word and google it.

Henceforth, I am not deep. I dont understand poetries and the meanings behind it,although I understand art is subjective. Literature is not my forte, even if i love the subject so much,for me to say i suck at it.

So there,I am a dimwitted,not-so-bright-but-i-think-i-understand-you kinda girl.
Period.

For 4 more hours. TICK TOCK TICK TOCK.

It is lunch break now 15minutes to two.
And i have no idea what to write or what to do.

Oh no.
It is only tuesday,
but why do I feel that I have been here forever?

Get me out of this misery please.
4 hours more until I can meet Mahani and laugh my heads off.
Keep me sane,dear God,
before I get so lame I wanna kill myself.

HAHA.
Ok whatever.

Smell of soap and everything nice.

When I said that "I do not love you to an extent.." it does not mean that I do not love you.
It basically means that I have not gathered all my courage yet,to be with you.

I have found my Luke,just that they all do not know.
Its a secret,that will stay safe and locked in my heart.

Goodnight.
And rest well,my love,wherever you may be.
Whoever you might be.

Please wait.

There is not a day gone by that I didnt think about you.
Your presence so strong, I cant bear to ignore. Sometimes, when I think about your or the way you smile, I shut my eyes.
I imagine the day that you forget me,my name and my face,
I imagine how I would feel then.
The thought of you moving on,and going out with an unfamiliar face,and holding the hands of a stranger,irks me.
I should be happy,should not i be?
If that day were to happen,and you have found what you have been desiring all along, then why am not i even in the slightest contentment?

They say it gets easier everyday. They say alot of things too. They say i deserve better. They say he is not a good person. They say this and that. And i forced myself to believe it.
In fact I did believe then,and if you ask me now,I still do.

It is really getting easier,because I have adapted to the silence. I have made friends with myself,and I have started to trust in all the little things that create happiness.
But.
I miss you.
I miss all the secrets that we share, and I miss the late night jokes we tell.
I miss calling you, to tell you to watch a funny programme on tv.
I miss receiving your texts in the mornings, to merely tell me that you had hotdog for breakfast.
I miss your deary mother who had always made me feel like I was part of the family.
And above all that, I miss all the promises that we made for the future.

Funnily enough,I do not love you to an extent that I want to call you and tell you all these.
Or make my way to your place to seek your forgiveness.
Or do anything for that matter to make you mine again.

Perhaps.
Because I know,
that somewhere deep and within me,
I do not needyou as much.
I do not want to sacrifice all of my freedom now just yet,to be with you.
I do not want to deal with the fights, that come along with the comfort of being with you.

I am not ready to face the difficulty of being in a relationship. The setting aside of time and sacrificing of my interests, I am not likely to do all that now.
Because I cant promise that I will not hurt you again, I cant promise you happiness and the world.
Hence, I am trying to let you go for now.
I will look for you in time to come,when I can at least promise that i will make you sleep with a smile on your face every night.

I hope to God that you won't forget me, my name or my face by then.
Or creating a new life with another stranger,sharing secrets and telling jokes while walking down the streets.
Or holding her right hand when she is carrying her bag on the left.
Or telling that you love her, whispering to her that she is your life.

I will change for the better,
but maybe just not now.
Selfish as this may seem,
I am merely asking you to wait.

Animals are my best friends.

Its after lunch now,and oh God,I feel so heavy and sleepy and tired for no apparent reason. So that explains the entry now, to basically keep my eyes open and my mind at work. I have nothing to do now besides waiting for phone calls and experimenting with Windows Movie Maker.
Not that I hate office job, its just that there is no one to talk to. About other things except work.
In fact i kinda like it,cos I have my own private space and no one can actually disturb me or there is no need for me to make small talks.
Maybe all I need is some loveeee.

And I love the zoo,i love the baboons and all the animals in it.
Ive decided to become friends of the zoo.
Because i think that the zoo is a perfect place for me to unwind.
The animals dont judge you,they are just there with you,regardless of anything.

SIGHHHHH.

Coconut Trees.

When someone dies,only then is he or she remembered by people. Its really uncanny isn't it?
Michael Jackson died this morning,and people suddenly started playing his songs and give the most heartwarming tributes. What happened when he was alive?
Really,Humans are the most horrible horrible living creatures to grace this planet earth.

And me,I am starting a new job this Monday and why is that i am not overjoyed?
Is it not what i really wanted?
HA.
Again,not only humans are horrible,they make things complicated when things are really that simple.
I need some love to feel happy.
And maybe a cigarette to fill this small hunger pangs.

I am on a diet,mind you.:)

Prententious Saturday.

I pretend not to care,and I am funny that way.
Everyday is a struggle for me,and i pretend that its not there. I pretend that everything is stupid and ridiculous and uneccessary. I pretend that love and relationships are redundant,that you wont die without them. I pretend that my life is going to be better without any commitments.
Without anyone to restrict me.
I pretend that it doesnt matter,that no one ever takes me seriously. I pretend that things are going to get better,but are they?
I pretend that being unhappy is somthing weak,something you show just to grab attention.
I dont like taking naps in the afternoon now because I want to be tired and sleepy at night so I can pretend that I am not lonely. I pretend to be asleep while dreaming I am somewhere else.
I pretend to be this person that i am actually not,that i am actually wasn't.

The truth is i care. I really care. Alot.
But you know what,I am just going to keep pretending.
Just because its easier that way.

Bed Bugs And Heartbreaks.

With rashes on my both arms,and exhaustion that comes along with it,I cant say that that i did not enjoy my trip in those 3 asian countries.It was indeed a good trip,something that i will not trade for anything else in the world:memories.The one week that i was in vietnam,cambodia and bangkok,i have learnt something that i would otherwise have not known.How the young ones succumb to begging,how they can be very persuasive in order to get that little amount of money from your wallet.Desperation is the one thing that drives them to do all that.As much as i got tired of them invading my space and peace of mind,i asked again,what choices do they have?
In a country full of corruptions and poverty,what is there to look forward to?

I have met and talked to the locals along the way,and its funny how subtly they try to get sympathy from you.And being a human,with a heart,you obviously tend to fall for their trick.
Especially the tuk-tuk drivers,the stories they tell,the meagre amount of money they make in a day to support their families,how could someone not give them at least an extra dollar?

We got ripped off in Ho Chin Minh,didnt know a 5 minute drive from the market to our destination could cost us an estimated 50 singapore dollars.There was no way out,as the cab doors were locked,and I was strangely scared.The driver cheated us,and we did not do anything.
Because why?Because we were in a foreign country with cultures we were not familiar of.

There are so many things that I want to write,to share my thoughts with,but it hurts to continue.To remember the details,and the painful things that took place.
I lost my ear stud,and everything else along with it.

I am thinking of happy thoughts,thinking of a new place i could go to.
See you soon,Nepal.

Five colours in my hair.

I cant think when im excited. I only can think when i am sad,down and out.
I only get inspired when i cry.

And when all is said and done,im going to have a 2 weeks vacation.
Something that i really need to revitalise my soul.
I will take good pictures,keep everything within my heart.

London,Milan,Ho Chin Minh,Cambodia,Bangkok.
I will see and embrace you.Very very soon.

I love the ulcer on my lower lip.

I am jobless,broke and strangely i did not regret my decision one bit.

Money somehow does not make me happy.
Rather,it makes me greedy.
Now i know what they mean.

Cheers to good life for now!

Trouble is a friend.

My arms are aching now,when was the last time i exercised?
I went for a swim,and weirdly it did not only make me feel good physically,it made my mind much clearer.
It felt much better than blogging,than ranting what nots in your diary.Its just that the first step to exercising is such a pain in the ass.And that is to get off the comfy couch.
Im looking forward to the 16th.To my freedom at last.But the money.How am i gonna inform father?
Mother was nagging,but she did not understand.To think about it,no one actually understands how you feel inside.What you are going through emotionally.Except yourself.
You can tell your close friends,they can listen to you,they can give useful advices.
But they can never feel what you feel.
I know its such a stupid thing for me to do and quit the job,i sometimes think to myself too.Why give up so easily?Why so weak?
I think its not about that.Its just that i don't want to struggle anymore.I don't want to force myself to like something.
I don't want to stay just for the sake of staying.I know in the end Father is the one who is going to carry the burden.I feel bad.I feel useless.
I wish i could just get the money now.Do anything to get it without troubling my family.
I cant turn to anyone now.Where do i go from here?

Oh please.
I cant wait to go on my trip,and never come back.

You think?

Bond letter came. Was under mother's name. I intercepted it. Amount was $2756.11,i think.
Now,im stoned.

Could i just rob a bank?

Is he in the bathroom,or just smoking outside?

I caught a movie earlier in the afternoon with someone i knew over the net. The outing turned out to be surprisingly good. Movie was awesome. Vanilla latte was just right. Dinner after that was great. The conversation we had while having our take aways(mcdonalds)in the middle of east coast park,was indeed refreshing.

BUT why oh why do i feel something is missing?
Like something is not right?
Like i am thinking of someone else instead?

Goodness gracious me.

2112.

Life is all about making decisions. After given a certain number of choices,you decide. You decide whats best for you,you decide if it benefits you in the long run,you decide under forced circumstances.
There are many decisions I have made in life that have got me wondering on the why's and the how's now. Why did I blatantly agree to it?How did I actually got to the idea of doing it?
A friend told me that sometimes you decide on impulses.But how can you decide on impluse when you have already been proposed with choices in the course of a good sufficient time?
Then again,mabye the decision is made because it seemed that it was the best choice out of so many others and the most appropriate at that present moment.

I am at an age where i believe that there are many other opportunities out there for me. I can do things that i want if i put my mind to it. I am willing to learn and i dont whine when i have to work extra longer.I just cant stand the fact that i have to drag myself to do something that i don't like doing. For what?
Why do something if it doesnt give you the ultimate sense of satisfaction?If it doesnt make you happy?
I know realistically,life is not how it seems to be. You work because it pays the bills. You go to school because everyone else is doing it and you want your name in that list of honor roll. At the end of the day,whatever for?
Ok,back to being practical and realistic:Money,Fame.
I cant argue with that,obviously.

Decisions are,as i believe,define the outline of your future. You make a wrong one,you can still edit the structure by presenting yourself with new options. However,if you stay put,and still want to be stuck in a situation whereby you dislike,then just prepare yourself to die a painful death.Slowly and surely.

I have decided to forgo the idea of being practical. The idea of being timid. I want to decide on things that matter to me,that will bring me somewhere in the near future. I have made too many wrong decisions in the past years that i want to redeem myself now. Be it relationships,be it school,be it career. I want to eradicate my indecisiveness,and start deciding on my future.

Another friend of mine also said to me: "The consequences of our actions change the course of time"
It simply means that if i have not made those wrong decisions,I wont know the exact feeling of being in a relationship,the hurt and the joy that goes hand in hand,the enjoyment of hanging out with good girlfriends back in the polytechnic,and most of all the new friends i have gained and loved when working in this company that i regret joining in the first place.

But nonetheless,ENOUGH with the wrong decision making already.
It is time for me to do things that i love,so i could stop whining everytime i think of work.
To hell with that $2,664.

A taste of Marriot Courtyard,Phuket.

Arrived in singapore yesterday, minutes after noon.The feeling sucked,I tell you.When you have been away for a few days,coming back home is always a dread.Phuket was a lovely place(minus all the mama shopkeepers of course)such a nice island to unwind,coupled with good food and good company.
The sun in the tropical island of Phi Phi was not kind at all.It burnt my body,especially my back.I could not lie down easily now.How very mean.Nevertheless I had a good time lying half naked in the sun,beside my best girlfriend who was fully naked,except the lower part of course.Lucky she had that little one percent of dignity left.Haha.But still I love you babe.
Mr A.was lying too but not under the sun,he was under the BIG UMBRELLA......

I dont want to be here.I want to be somewhere else.There is nothing to look forward now.

Roger federer lost,and i cant bear to read the news or see him after the match.
I cried too.I cried about many things.
I cried about the emptiness ahead,about the situations i am stuck in.

I pray for better things to come.

Escape.

We all have funny dreams.Dreams are actually events that you have been thinking of subconsciously.I love dreams.It gives me the ability to be someone else for awhile,to be able to do something that can never be done in real life,it gives me that freedom of being someone i am not.

To seek for owns happiness is to sacrifice someones elses(the apostrophe on this keyboard is not working,so ya).Or maybe three or four others.
I have just finished the book by Jodi Picoult,My Sisters Keeper.It was a really good read.One i shall never forget.It taught me things that i could actually relate to.About sacrifices.About happiness.About realising that life doesnt revolve around you.And above all,making the right decisions for yourself.Not for anyone else,but yourself.

The thing about reading is that you can spend a few hours being somewhere else.Its like an escapism.You escape without doing it physically.You escape from many things.From the noises,from the silences,from the reality.

I want to be somewhere else,to be somewhere rather than here.To a place where I know no one.Or vice versa.To be able to hear different sounds and see strange things.
To be alone without being lonely.

I want to escape.
But then again,dont we all?

2009.

i am not good with my words or actions.
i think with my mind then i evaluate with my heart.
i need to further cleanse my soul.
and ease all the unwanted tensions.

i read a book yesterday which was given as a gift.
in it there was a quote which i could very much relate to.
--I was trapped on a wheel that turned endlessly on the same theme--
i paused,i stared hard into an open space.
i started to grief.

first day of 2009, i received a mail.
it was from someone i had not seen or talked to for months.
i knew i would have have to read it.
and honestly i was anticipating the content.
my heart beats fast,my soul was lifted for a minute.
if i was alone at home,i would have given a loud wail.

by thinking with my mind.
i know i would have to move on.
but after evaluating it with my heart.
i know this is never going to be easy.
uncertainties and doubts arise.
and,time shall pass.
i am not going to be fine.

end of january,i cant wait.
to go to a place where peace and serenity only exist.
guarded with my two very good friends.
here we come,oh the lovely island of phuket.

to that sender of the mail,
it really hurts to read it knowing that is not real.
the last phrase that you wrote.
it was so overwhelming,i felt silly.
i know i should not believe it.
because people do change.
feelings as i have witnessed it,change overtime.
i hate you,the very thought of you.
how you avoided and without saying anything,
you bailed.

i am a sucker for you.
you know that.
but i cant do anything now.
i cant be begging for the good old days to come back.
i have someone who loves me now.
i dont love him as much.
however love itself can be nurtured.

i pray for my happiness.
and yours too.
i love you.
for the person that you are.
for the man that i could never be with.