My Resolution And Friends.

My Resolution for this coming year:2008.

1.)Get a job
2.)Go to the gym religiously
3.)Get into SAA by July
4.)Be a more patient person
5.)Be more decisive

Bla blaa.
But since i know that my resolution has always gone unachieved,screw that list.
Now,lets make some time and talk about the people that are so dear to me.Who have always been there,through the misunderstandings,laughter,the bad times and also the good times.
These are the very people who make me wiser,more sensible and have kept me rooted to the ground.
So,lets get started and not beat around the bush shall we?

Mahani:
She is,first and foremost,my very best friend and without her,my life will never be the same.We have been friends for over ten years and she is the person who knows me well enough,to know what to say at the right time and never fail to lift my spirits up high.Shes the girl of laughter,I can never get enough of her jokes and I always yearn for more.The one girl who is so humble,full of heart and generosity,the right person to go when you are at the lowest point of your life.
I love her so much,and our friendship is the best thing that has ever happened to me.And with a friend like her,you can never go wrong in life.
We are going to celebrate this special bond that we have by going on a trip together and it is going to be incredibly fun!

Fadillah:
A girl full of hopes,dreams and aspirations,who possess a strong character.Tough as nails,I shall add.Who doesnt sell herself out,doesnt shortchange for anything else,and sticks to all the decisions that she makes.Always there when you need her,her presence is comforting enough,and without even saying anything,you know that everything is going to be alright.She speaks with conviction and even though we dont meet often,I know that I can always talk to her in other means.A person with substance and she happens to be my best girlfriend.I love her I love her.

Daya:
Gentleness and kindness are the two obvious traits you see when you look into those beautiful eyes of hers.With those two positive traits,its no wonder she is my bestfriend too.She does not bear grudges and even if you want to hate her,you cant.You just have to love her.She even forgives anyone who has ill intentions towards her or even hurt her.But of course,I bet she doesnt have any enemies,because she is the sweetest thing you can ever find.She is the person you need to be with to get in touch with your inner self,and just with that warm smile of hers,she can heal a wounded soul.:)

Khai:
Ah.With the perfect sense of humour,he can make you laugh like crazy.Every word that is uttered,is so funny even if it doesnt make much sense.Accompanied with those comical expressions,he is the funniest person I have ever been with.I can never be sad around him,I don't even know how to be angry at him.He is also the person to hang out with if you are hungry.He is a good companion for your meals,because the dessert after that is his endless jokes and you can never get bored being around him.He lights up my days and nights and I love being with him,even if he can irritate the hell out of you sometimes.

Azly:
The nights when we chill together,the sarcasms that we throw at each other,the misunderstandings,the breaking up of friendship,the dislikes of each other's characters,but despite all these,he is my pillar of strength.Though not the best person to go to when you are emotionally distraught,he is, however, the very person you need to listen to.He offers sensible advices,and he is an individualistic.More often than not,he doesnt listen to anyone except himself,but when he listens to you,he really does.A good person within,he is my good friend for more than 5 years.And still,going on pretty strong if he doesnt take off again,that is.

Helmi:
A person whom I loved once,and the man who has taught me so much.About life.About myself.Though things did not work out like how we want it to be,he is the person I cherish the most.He has a good heart,and with that I know he can live life the best possible way.With abundant talent and so much passion for everything,I wish him well and I hope he has pretty much moved on and let things go.He has been there for me,through the process of gaining my maturity and will always be the person I think of before I go to sleep.
But for now,I think its time to stand on my own two feet and just hope for the best in future.

Khartika:
Full of wisdom and wittiness.She is the best comforter and with her words,you will tend to put things in perspective and wipe that tears away.She told me once,that whenever you are sad and down and feel that no one in the world cares about you,just shut your eyes and go to sleep.Because tomorrow will always be a better day.You will wake up to a brand new day and that sadness you were with the night before will disappear.I have always held on to that till this very day.I wish we could have more time together though,without my brother there.So I can talk to her for hours and hours and hours.

Faezah:
The sister I have been with all my life.With a sister like her,what more can i ask for?
I love her to bits even though I dont say it verbally.:)


Yes those mentioned are the ones I will not trade for anything else in the world.Not even a million dollar.
hmm 2 million dollars maybe.:)

With much sincerity and truthfulness,I have talked about my dear ones.
I love them,the memories and everything else.
But can I just have one point fulfilled on my resolution list?
The first one,and that is to GET A JOB.

as i am drinking my cranberry juice.

How time flies.Really.And before you know it,we are actually embarking into the new year.
2008.

A year has past and within that same period of time,a few eventful things have taken place.
Things that I do not expect to happen,actually happened and things that I expected,sadly did not take place.
Well it was never in my hands,to begin with.Fate.Destiny.and all that jazz.

I love the experience that I have gathered,learnt things that I know can never get elsewhere.
All these emotions within me,I have decided to let it go.I have laughed.I have cried.I have loved.I have hated.I have been to the extremes,but of course not to the extent of foolishly wanting to kill myself.
But most of all,I have learnt to move on.

It was not an easy process I must say,the only thing that I need to overcome is myself.Now I know my strengths and my weaknesses.And I am going to use that as an advantage.I have my weak moments but whenever those short moments occur,I shut my eyes and go to sleep.
Because,like someone told me,tomorrow will always be a better day.
And yes i believe that.

Stupid Warden.

Life is, indeed, beautiful!

And it could not get any better.
Except for one parking ticket.....
$100, wasted.

Bloody.

Nightlife

Animals are the prettiest living creatures on planet earth.
They beat humans hands down.

Ladies and Gentlemen,boys and girls,
Welcome to the world's first Night Safari.

walk a mile in my shoes

I had a really good talk with atiq last night,sitting by the pool under the midnight sky,with no stars in sight. We discussed about life in general.The gain and loss of friends,the troubles that we sometimes face, relationships that tend to get annoying, and the happiness we both get at the end of it all.

And we have come to a conclusion:
Ultimately,its my choice,and no one can ever decide that for me.
If any unhappiness were to cross my path,in the near or distant future,
let it be my mistake.

I am happy in my own little way.

swimming

I am totally stuffed.Just had late dinner,was not really hungry but the steamed fish really tempted me to a point that i could not resist anymore.Today was just another ordinary day. The love is working late and i MUST call him later.Of course,to hear his voice and hope he is doing well in his office.
Did the usual thing today.Sent my sister to work,fetched my mom from work,went to visit grandma,drove mom home and off to meet one of my bestest girlfriends,fadillah,to have some random chats and then sent her home.
Her french pal awaited her at home.So bloody fun!
Well,im just too lazy to elaborate further.

I'm going to have a swim with my new found friend,and now we have become the bestest,and she happens to be my brother's current girlfriend.

So catch ya later!

the start of a new beginning.

It has been awhile since i last updated this blog.Three months since the last update?Ha.
So here i am,infront of the tv,trying to enjoy powerpuff girls but failed,going through blogs,reading on others' entries on their daily lives,i could not help but to think,what actually happened within the last three months that i literally went missing?

I came across an old friend's blog and somehow,for whatever reason,i regretted actually reading it.Perhaps,the nasty things that he wrote, indirectly, about me. I said indirectly because my name was not mentioned but,i promise,it was me that ex-friend was referring to. You know,its sad to call a friend an "ex-friend" when I,myself, have never believed in disowning a friend. No,wait,it was me who was disowned.

I choose not to believe that i have taken the friendship for granted, in fact i vehemently disagree with everything this ex-friend said. What right does he have to say that everything i had was an icing on the cake?that i do not appreciate the finer things in life?
I know I would always confide in this ex-friend whenever I was faced with problems,or when i could not get practical on the whole idea of life,but what had he lost?
Was it time?was it money?was it his saliva?or was it his trust?
Then i would ask again,what trust?
I was not the one who went missing. I was there all the time. I was even thinking about our friendship almost every single day. So,do not solely put the blame on me.
I am not angry or even close to getting mad. I am just disappointed. And definitely sad.
Whatever happened to that cheers of friendship we had a few months back.

But i am happy with the way things are now. I can devote all my attention to the other half, and not think about the importance of friendship.
I can count the number of friends that i have and i am blessed with the love i have gathered along the years.
Now,i shall not be bothered with others and their lives or the thought that friends are for life.

My childhood friend is the friend that will always be and foremost cherished.
I love you,Hani.

And to that ex-friend of mine,
thank you for the sweetest of memories.

The oath.

A quick update on what has been happening on my side here:
My cousin's wedding went pretty ok,although things that we did not expect to happen,happened.
Do not wish to elaborate on it because there is no point bearing any grudges.
WELL OK,my sister and I actually missed the solemnization ceremony.For a very silly reason.
And that was to fetch my uncle at Tampines.
HA.So for that,we did not make it in time to actually cry,to weep to do all the things cousins and families do when one of their beloved family member or relative get married.
Oh but i did cry for the wrong reason though,when I found out it was over.

The wedding dinner was chaotic.The number of guests that turned up was more than that in the guests' list.The cars parked on the driveway were messy.Our tables were taken up by unknown guests.So on and so forth.

Nevertheless it was a beautiful night,adorned by the chandeliers and the decorations that were put up by a team of dedicated people.My cousin looked like a million dollar on that sultry night -minus the 35k wedding ring that was on her finger.HAHA.IDIOT.The diamond is big la.

The celebration ended in style,a perfect kickstart to their enchanting married life.
I wish them well,maytheygrowoldtogether.
Haha.

And yes I have been busy with my neverending project.
Sighs.

PS:I had a super super weird dream yesterday night....

Picture Perfect.

That tranquility,and the idyllic scenery,with the bright shades of colours,the divinity of the whole atmosphere,the loud silence piercing through the fresh air,the sweet smell of infinite freedom,the waves crashing in,bringing many stories and dreams along with it,the vast sky covering the uncertainties of life,the shafts of golden sunrays illuminating the place,enhancing the vibrancy of everything,the green leaves dancing, following the rhythm of the breezy wind,the fine grains of white sand,making the place look so flawless.
The perfection of this beauty,it deserves so much more.
And somewhere in that picture of perfection,lies a glimmer of hope.

That is where I want to be.

Like a stone.

I am back with the ex and I myself do not know if i really do have doubts about it.

Maybe its for the better.Maybe its time to forget my wants and focus more on my needs.
Maybe he is the one who actually sees and listens.
Maybe I don't give a fuck about anything else.Maybe I should put aside everything else.

When i get what what i need,but not what i want.
I am stoned too.

nicotine and caffeine.

Ive not been updating my blog as I have been busy with my project.And my effort has come unnoticed because apparently its not up to the standard that my supervisor has set for me.Well,I second that actually.Haha.I dislike the outcome of my hardwork.Not that I spent the whole day doing it.Asked zizie countless times regarding the templates and the flash animations.Practically everything la.Maybe I should just spent a few good dollars on her and let her do it for me.Hmmm.A good thought,isnt it?Haha!
So how pretty zizie?Haha.

I cant wait for the 28th.Something exciting is going to happen.Ha!

And I just realised that coffees and cigarrettes are the two causes for my daily morning visits to the toilet.
Yes,first thing in the morning.

Ugh,have the feeling i'm going to visit it again now.
Haha.

The List.

Friday.
Here are the things that I want to do and might probably do during the weekends:
1.)Wake up late on saturday,have a super good rest.
2.)Sleep again
3.)And oh ya,continue sleeping
4.)Make plans,go out,have dinner or supper,chill around,think about the future
5.)Go home,sleep again.
6.)Work on Sunday.
7.)MIGHT start editing my project.
8.)Oh,maybe TV.
9.)Make stupid jokes with my sister.
10.)And pls refer to points 2 and 3.

Basically,thats the gist of it.About the current phase that I am going through.
But I believe its not going to be like this forever because I know I am going to be an established career woman sometime in the future.So until then,I would have to go through hardship in order to be in the TOP 10 of the most successful woman below the age of 40.HAHA.

I am in a chirpy mood today.
HAHA!

Flashy.

I have been good today.Did some research on flash animation,was impressed by some of them but since this school of mine is a miser,I can't start doing it just yet because,apparently,Flash 8 is needed to create most of the nice animations.So,there is no Flash 8 installed here,only the old version which is the MX Professional.

Now my leisure time at home would be taken up to do all these.
Such stupidity.

Not straight.

Frankly speaking,I have nothing to blog about although I actually have things to share,I choose not to because my fingers are doing its job without thinking.I am actually not thinking right now,just typing this out to waste these few minutes that I have left.I might potray myself as being senseless and stupid but oh well,think all you want because its only now that i dont't give a flying fuck what you are actually thinking because I,myself,am not thinking straight.So yeah whatever.
But I repeat,its only now that I don't give a two cents worth on what is in your mind.After this entry is done,I will get depressed if anyone were to call me a dumbass.Yeah I am that useless hopelessly sensitive,so call me whatever you want now,and be quick because this is going to end.
To whoever that is reading this,you people are the most intelligent people on earth.Because I know there are only two of them and you both know who you are.
Thanks for the time,you two can go to bed now.I will see you two in the secret garden in my dreams.

And right now,I am thinking of that dream,how silly but yet delightful it was.
Shall not think about it now because it is time for me to get the hell out of the hell here.

HAAAAAAA.

yaaaaaaaa.

It was a decent weekend(not that I often have indecent weekends haha.)The reason being,me and my sister actually went out with our two 'not so young' cousins,haha,on Saturday.So I was practically their driver,fetching them here and there and head to the various destinations.

And we had sushis at Sakae Sushi for dinner.Although we had to wait for about 40 minutes just to get a place,it was all worth it.Of course,I sat beside the conveyor belt and I had the honour to pick all the sushis i wanted.All kinds.Haha.

Then we went to Arab Street to meet Yanty and friends.And bla bla bla.
Was working on Sunday and then met the boys at night.

And I am getting tired,so when this happens,I stop typing.
Hahaaaa.

Willl be backkkkkkk.....yaaa.

No Red Bull

Another half an hour,and I am famished.

Yes,thats all.
No food,no energy.
HAHA.
So yaaaa.

Appeal

Just to make matter worst,I lost the appeal format letter that I really need to refer so that I could write one to the Director of this school.

I do not know where I placed it and due to my absent-mindedness, I would have to write on my own because I am afraid to ask for another one from my supervisor.I am sure she is going to nag at me if i confessed my stupidity to her.

Haha,but things are getting much better now for me,as I realised that this is not the end of the world.And I am not going to be like that girl who cried until her face was swollen and then go home(she might prolly do something unwise)

So ya,things are really looking up to me and I only have myself to blame.

And I appreciate for that comfort you provided.
Oh you know yourself.

jfjdsfjdasf.

This has been one of the most suckiest mornings and I don't wish to elaborate on it.

I have disappointed myself again with my results,and I do not have any choice but to suck it up now.

Just to soothe myself,I kept saying this - There's always a blessing in disguise.
If so,can you stop disguising,and show me what lies beneath that mask?
Please.

Aha!

Yeay!(not trying to act cute whatsoever,haha) I have finalised on my template and I must say its pretty.Haha.To me,that is.I am quite happy with it actually,so I am not going to think twice and change it again.Because I just might do that.But NO!

So,I have added the contents and everything but not the graphics because I don't have it yet.I must take pictures of the hard disk and not steal it from the website(its something to do with copyright or something like that.Whatever.)

I am quite pleased now,so let me bask in these few moments of pleasure and congratulate myself.
Haha.

Warming up.

Such a beautiful day it is,and I wish I could make full use of it instead of sitting here right before the computer,typing about random things.
Results are out tomorrow and I am petrified.I don't show it but YES I am.
Have so much to do today,I would have to finalise on my template and by tomorrow I could really do the content,add some graphics,beautify the animations and there I am all set.
But if I don't procrastinate today,I might just be able to do all that.
Haha.

I'll be back.

Hmm.

I know I have been blogging excessively but I seriously can't help it.The atmosphere is so dead here and I need something to release all these inner tensions I possess so I guess blogging is something therapeutic for me.I don't know.Whatever.
I do not know what else to do with my project because I have done as much as I could and I am just waiting for my supervisor to give feedbacks.
Truthfully,I am not satisfied with it because compared to other companies' website,mine is completely nothing.An amateur,they might say.But I am trying to add things here and there just to give some spice.Ugh.
I miss my handphone and I could only get it back on Wednesday.Such incompetence.Telling me that the stock isn't there and all that.Blah blah.
Haha.
Well,on a brighter note,I have got 4 hours and 20 minutes to go.So that isn't bad at all.
Am just thinking now,how to waste those few hours away...

Monday

Maybe the things that I really need are right here before my eyes.I tend to look beyond that and hoping that I would get what I want.
Maybe its not about what I want,maybe its more than that.

I have been too selfish but yet I like the way things are.
What am I feeling?
Honestly,I do not know.

Oh,I guess its just Monday Blues.

The weekend.

What a confusing weekend!
But I am just enjoying the ride,for now.

My mind is already set and I am not going to let anything get in the way.
Time will tell.

Ugh.Back to school tomorrow,but strangely,I am excited.
Haha.

Oh my.

Oh yes,i forgot.My spectacles actually fell from the 5th level to the 2nd level(don't have to know how,its silly).
And it miraculously survived.
So I have come to a conclusion:
My spectacles is more reliable than my dumbass handphone.
Idiot.

Oh mandy,oh mandy.

About half an hour ago,a girlfriend,D,showed me a poetry given by a guy she is in aquaintance with.And the funny part is that it is in malay.Haha.I spent a few good minutes reading it and trying to comprehend every word that was meticulously handwritten.Not that i'm trying to humour the Malay language but somehow I felt like laughing at the ridiculity of it all.
Haha.Maybe because I did not feel the exact way she felt when reading it.And I can't remember what it was about.Something like,'Whenever he takes a step forward,she will take two steps backward",and try to translate that in Malay.Haha.
I should try to feel it,shouldn't I?
D is such the girl-next-door kinda girlfriend and I enjoy talking to her despite the fact that she speaks very softly.
And she let me listen to her malay songs,I told her maybe i should start listening to all the slow soppy malay songs too(yeah right,haha.)

But I shall not be bad,afterall I am a nice person.Haha.
What do you think?
:)

5300

I do not have the mood whatsoever to talk about my handphone.Just looking at it now is really heartbreaking.Silly me,for putting it in my back pocket while playing the game 'Twister' yesterday and so yes,shit happens,I fell down on my butt and so...ugh.Seriously,ahh!

Never mind about that,I shall go down to Nokia Service Centre later and they better do something about it.This is such a bummer.

I have to get over this soon because it is useless looking at it,I do not have the magic powers to 'cure' it.AARGH!

Ok,now i MUST stop scrutinising the handphone screen because I am so tempted to just throw the handphone on the floor.

I can't stand imperfections,really.

After Lunch Treat

Back from lunch,and I'm all set to continue my project.Had prata,and it was delicious.Tried cheese prata and it was extra delicious.Haha.Have got to eat that tomorrow.

And now thinking about the BBQ organised by Starbucks-US,I am dreading to go.I am just too lazy to socialise with people whom I find very hard to communicate with.They all speak the same language and I do not understand it most of the times.Their jokes are not to my liking,their actions are not what I was brought up to comprehend.
I can only relate to some of them,a meagre amount though.Maybe I should try to join in their small talks and get to know them better.
What I have I got to lose right?

Speaking about communication,I do not get it why people talk using funny words.They alter words here and there(specifically Malay language)and at the end of every sentence,the word 'Sial' MUST be inserted.Is it really neccessary at all?I understand that expressing anger with that word is acceptable.But not when you do it after every few seconds.
Complete idiot.
And another thing about spelling-since when is the word 'YOU' suddenly became 'EUU'.
Seriously,even if you want to show the cuter side of yourself,please do not annoy me.

Goodness,someone enlighten me on this,please.

P.S:Should check out the song 'Way back into love' by Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.
It is beautiful,I promise.

On my own

Here is the thing that i realised yesterday while i was on my way home:
I do not need other people to complete me.
I am the master of my own decisions,my own life.

In the end,I have got to face God alone.

A friend in need,is a friend indeed

Friends are there when you are so high above,so in control of your life,so extremely happy but where are they when you are down and out,when you are on your knees emotionally unstable,begging for anyone to just come and give you a listening ear,I ask again where the fuck are they?

I am not generalising my friends here,but what hani mentioned in her blog is definitely true.I have quite a small amount of close friends and I love them to bits.What really bothered me is that this particular friend of mine.A friendship I cherish has soured over a short period of time,over that night I had no control of.Yes,truth be told,M,was there for me whenever i needed someone to pour my heart out,but does friendship really measure the amount of help that is given?
Does friendship mean that you can just ignore when they,for one night,become so uncivilised?
Does friendship really mean nothing at the end of the day?
Does friendship dictate all that?

M can tell me how M is always helping people,how M is always the middle person,and how heartless M can be.But for whatever reasons,M,should have never said those things in the blog.
It has brought me down so low,and it has just destroyed everything.

And,now,let me move on and just be contented with the fine little things that I have.
I have lost my faith in M,and that can never be retrieved.

Hani,thank you,for accompanying me yesterday.You cracked me up and I love you for all the times you made me laugh and see me for who I really am.
Thanks again for all that years of friendship, and nothing can ever beat that.

A very good day

Early morning,and I would have to stare at the computer yet again.I am getting used to the routine though,so it is not that bad actually.But I am sleepy(what's new right?).
Well,at least Justin is here to accompany this morning of mine with his incredibly sexy voice.Haha.

I feel so much better today.Like nothing can stop me from smiling today.Haha.And there is this chinese girl,S, sitting on my left,who will immediately turn to look at me whenever I am looking at her way.The funny thing is that I am not sure if she is really looking at me,because her right eye says otherwise(oh,if you know what i mean).But she is nice so I can't say anything much.

And another friend of mine in this lab confided in me about her relationship with her boyfriend she has been with for 7 years.The first thing i said "You are really a patient girlfriend",because somehow i reflected her story to mine.So she told me about everything,about how and why she quarrelled with her boyfriend and its funny how she managed to say something good about him at the end of every sentence.The only thing bad she commented about him is that he is hot-tempered(i mean,who is not right?)Although sometimes she wants to end it,she holds back.Maybe its the years they have been together or maybe she just loves him.
So i asked her next,"Do you see yourself with him for a very long time?"and she hesistated.
Her reply after a few seconds,"If God is willing to let us be together,then yes."

I pondered about that and stopped after a few minutes after telling myself not to bother about these frivolous things.I am not going to be emotionally involved because the last time I did that,I got myself distracted.

So yesterday's dinner was fabulous.So was my family.Haha,it was a farewell dinner before my brother starts to serve the nation in Pulau Tekong this thursday.Everyone was talking about bringing lots of underwears and stuffs along that line.Haha.I turned to my sister and said"Finally he is going". But oh,I am going to miss him nevertheless.
Mom was talking non-stop as usual.The longest she held her silence was 27 seconds.Thanks to my sister who actually timed it.
But it was a good dinner,after our stomachs were so filled,we left.

And yes,my brother taught me how to do this thing with the car.You accelerate to 4 or 5 RPM and realease the clutch immediately.And there would be a screeching sound.
Yeay!I am definitely going to try that.

Such a good day for me!

P.S:I had a funny dream yesterday night.
:)

ha!

Today is the start of a new week and I hope it would be a great one.

Thanks Khai,for really making me see things so much clearer.It was a breather going out with you and whoever doubts his good intentions is a total moron.He is such a good friend,the best of any kind,a good listener,more of a brother figure to me.

Now,emotions distract me and i shall proceed with a much better focus.
After all,things don't get to me easily.

Just fuck it.

Weakness

I need a holiday to fine tune my emotions.
Because right now,I do not know what I feel anymore.

It is too deep a cut,too numb to register the pain.

Oh what the hell,times like this make me vulnerable,
and I detest it.

Tomorrow shall be better.
Have a good Saturday!

Something Random

Random notes keep falling out your mouth.
And how I wish it was something else..

Music and lyrics was adorable.
So was Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore.
And so was everything else...

Today is his 20th birthday.
It is bringing everything back.
The bittersweet moments.
And all the pretty things..

When you get what you want but not what you need.
I am still contemplating.
Still am trying ..

Maybe it is better to be discreet.
So things are going to be much easier.
Secrets are better left untold..

Why do you have to be so cute?
It is impossible to ignore you..

Life itself is beautiful.
I am living it..

Sisterly Love

There are times when you feel so low that you look for someone to confide in.And when you have found that right someone,you start to pour your feelings out,knowing that he or she would just listen to your endless rantings and just be there emotionally and physically.
You would feel so much better after letting it all out from your system and appreciate the person who has been there to witness your down moments.

And I have been blessed.
Because I have a sister who is always there for me.Who will be the first to make me laugh,to make me forget my worries,to actually make me love myself.Whenever I feel that I want to be alone or run away to some unknown island to be on my own,she is the reason i stall those very ideas.She keeps me rooted,and all she does is to tell me some silly happenings of the day,or ridiculous jokes,and I would laugh gleefully.I do not have to tell her how sad I am,or how worried i am about many things,or how sometimes I would retreat to the past and start tearing up,she would silently know and make me laugh again.
No one can ever do that.No one can make me feel so good,so assured.She is the only person in my life I feel most comfortable in my own skin.I can be myself,I can say all the silly things and she would always laugh it off with me.
She is my best friend,the best sister anyone could ever ask for.And no one can ever take that bond I have with her away from me.

I love her,more than anything else in the world.

Ugh.

Sighs.I am not trying to be whiny here or anything but seriously i want my break now.I need it.I have been yawning since God-Knows-When.And i need to stretch myself,i need to give my bum some fresh air.
The reason that we are being held from going for our break is stupidly because some visitors are coming and they are going to be walking around the lab.And so,we are forced to entertain them by physically being here infront of the computers,doing our work.By doing that,we are giving them a whole lot of reasons to be overjoyed.Assholes.
I am so tired.So tired of everything.So tired of doing this project.So tired of thinking whenI could actually complete it.So tired of thinking what to do in life.So tired of thinking i'm a loser.So tired of taking everything so easily.
The only thing that can take my mind off things now is driving.Strangely though,I love the rush.I love the thought that i'm in control of everything.I love to be lost in my own thoughts when I'm driving.And sometimes I am not cautious of the road.But I love that adrenaline rush,when I step on the accelerator hard without thinking(i went 140 once).Maybe I should start living dangerously.Who knows,I might love it.

Oh i'm going for break now.
Yeay!

Letting Go

It is never easy to let go of something you have held on for a very long time. I have always believed that things will turn out good eventually and having believed that,I held on. At times, I doubted my very existence in the picture and felt that maybe it was time for me to raise the white flag. However,fear got the better of me and i was so afraid of the decision i was about to make. I did not want to regret my actions,and dwell on it a few months later.

But ,eventually i did it. It came to a point when i was actually brave enough to face the inevitably truth and that was i have had enough. I didn't mean for it to happen although i have taken much time to really ponder about the situation. The truth of the matter is that i couldn't bear the idea of depending on someone so much, the very idea of needing someone to make me complete. I have not been thinking on my own two feet because i have been too dependant. I needed my space badly, i needed time to be on my own and learn the perils of life without anyone to pick me up along the way. I got tired of everything, mentally exhausted and was so frustrated with myself. Maybe it was just space i needed. Maybe time on my own.

I have sacrificed a lot of things,friendship,family,and my own needed space. It struck to me yesterday,on how ignorant i was to the things around me. I didn't have the luxury to hang out with my friends back then,not even a weekend. I had no choice,really. I was quite saddened by the fact that i kept disappearing and not reviving the friendship that i have established long before. They were the ones i would turn to in times of need and somehow deep inside me,i felt a slight hurt. The time that i had with friends are,much to my own amazment,actually quite refreshing. There were no worries, not much wondering about the next possible fight or the time i should keep aside for that someone.

I am happy in my own way and am contented with it. But there are still times when i think of the past beautiful memories and how i wish it could have turned out differently. I am trying to let go of the past but it is not going to be easy. Every memory has a place in my heart and i am smiling at it instead of regretting it.

So cheers to a carefree life,for now!
:)

Never enough.

One can never have enough.Be it love,be it money,be it looks.
Most of us(and i'm not generalising here)are never satisfied with the things that we already have.

For instance,we have our loved ones loving us unconditionally,but yet we think that it is not enough.We expect them to understand us,to feel what we feel,to want them to be everything that we yearn for.We are a demanding lot,really.
Like me,i want everything to go they way i WANT it to be.No matter how,not matter what.Even though i know that i have everything desired.I just want more.I want the other half to answer the way i want him to,i want him to react the way i see fit.Annoying me.

And money,we can never have enough of that,can't we?
Even if we were to be given a million bucks,we would still be jealous of Bill Gates who owns billions,including his luxurious house,and his many modes of transportation(does he have his own plane?).Yes,we would want more.And even if we have billions of dollars,we would want to own the world.So on and so forth.
Such funny creatures we are.

Oh,and looks.They say that beauty is only skin deep.But,who,seriosuly,would'nt want to look good?Who would'nt want to be noticed?Even those who were born with physical deficiencies would want to look appealing.
However,what if we have all the features that deserve the admiration of others,but yet we are not satisfied with it?
We would want to go for surgery,change here and there.Yadaa,yadda.
What is perfection,really?

In my opinion,perfection is when we appreciate the inner beauty of ourselves and others.
The little things that make us happy,that smile on our boyfriend's/girlfriend's faces,the way our loved ones adore us and that glint in our eyes when we feel contented.

So there,let's not ask for more.We have enough,actually.

Self-centered.

Self-centered,yes we are.

I have always loved listening to debates ever since i was in primary school.There was this time,when we had a small debate in our classroom.My best friend took part but sadly,i didnt have the courage to follow suit.I wasn't sure that i was eloquent enough to put myself,in the center of attraction.Yes,confidence was something i didn't possess back then.Anyways,i wasn't the smarty-pants that i would like to be,so badly.
And so,there was i,among the audiences(classmates),listening to the little debate that was taking place.I was taking part too,mentally.

So a couple of days ago,after a week of anticipating it,i finally got to watch it.Yes,The Arena.
A so-called debate show,where students from secondary school battle with each other regarding the motion that was given.And the motion was,Self-Centered,Yes we are!
With snacks in my hand(too bad there wasn't any popcorn)and my boyfriend on my right,lying down on his oh-so comfy bed,we tuned in.

First up,it was proposition team,where they were the ones who agreed with the motion.And so the first speaker,a 15 year-old girl from St.Nicks,gave an opening.It was somehow or rather,not strong enough,to my opinion that is.I thought the proposition was at an advantage as i believe that singaporeans nowadays are self-centered.However,i still rooted for the St.Nicks girls even though their points were too weak.They only focused on the comittee work,where they pointed out that students do just that so that they can earn extra CIP hours and therefore,they would feel better in a way.So,apparently they are self-centered.Hmm.

Ok,enough about them.Or how weak their arguments were.I still agree with that motion,without a doubt.Well,i agree on the idea that students do CIP work to gain points,not because they are sincere in helping others.There are other things too,to prove that Singaporeans are rather self-centered,and of course that includes me.
For example,in the trains,buses,look at those young men,sitting on the coloured seat without a care.Without noticing there is an old man standing just before them.Without batting an eyelid on the pregnant woman,with a kid in the prem.Without giving up their seats.Without putting others before self.
All they know is that they are tired too,so why should i?

In school,when exams are nearing,students don't actually share their notes.And even if they did,they keep their knowledge intact,without having any intention to share it at all.I know this because i am a student myself.Not trying to blame my friends or anything like that.Yes,they keep it to themselves,because if they share it,they would lose out.So isn't that being selfish,in other words,self-centered?

Well,i am not entitled to say much either,because i am not a noble being myself.I am self-centered and so are the millions of people out there.
I am egoistic,and so are you.

We can't help being the way we are,but we sure can do something to change it.
So shall we?