TGIF!

So I surived the week without him. Must say that it's getting easier now. Which of course I would have to get used to it. The moment i think about him, I'll distract myself with other things or probably talk to someone. And now he just informed that he will be back later than usual. Haha. I shall not bother about these kinda petty things anymore. I gotta be strong and will not shed a single tear anymore. There are things he could have done to assure me. Like I said I only need assurance. But again, he failed to do that. Well that's him. That's just him. I'm different and he is different. He has got his own priorities and I've got mine.

Oh well, he's going off in less than two weeks, we will be in deep trouble at work once he's gone because there are so many incomplete things. He has yet to train the managers on many things. Yet he's going off. Haha. But oh well don't think his heart is in this anymore, and yes the grass is always greener on the other side.

Personally and professionally, I will miss him. Definitely. But you know, the ocean is vast and there are so many things I have yet to explore. This is a stepping stone for me and I've got to see things in a different light. We will lose someone, friends and lovers along the way. Perhaps I'll find a better gem, who knows.

And mabye just maybe the next boss who's replacing him will be nicer. Hopefully. Something new, something fresh and exciting.
Such is life.

Too bad you didn't choose to stay. It's just too bad.

=)

=(

I wish time could just stand still. Days pass by like crazy and I am so afraid that I won't have enough time with him. There are so many things I have yet to do with him, so many things that we can discover together but I I know time is of the essence. You have no I idea how afraid I am. I really wish he could stay, wish so much he could have made the decision to stay. I love him so much it hurts. It hurts to love him. It hurts more to know that he is leaving me for good. It sucks to be in this situation. I seriously do not know what or how he feels. I know it excites him. To be exploring new things. I hope he will remember us here, everyone of us. I am gonna miss him, we are gonna miss him.

I hope I will be ok one day and stop crying at night, when I think of all the happy memories and what could have beens.
Had a great day today, spending time with him and loving the shoes he got for me. I am really gonna miss him. I really am. I am gonna miss him a lot. But he will be going to a better place. I wish I could fit into all that.

I am gonna miss him. =(

I'll be ok, just not today.

I know I mentioned in my previous never to talk about him again but I just wanna let this out...

I never knew I could be this upset. He has a better job offer and that he is going to leave me. Told me he has not decided but I know for sure he is going. I have no influence in his decision because ultimately who am I in his life. His wf probably would want him to go. Would probably ask him to take the offer and then obviously he has to listen to that. I would do anything possible but again I have no say in this. Our love can only do so much to make him stay. But if you have a better offer, what does it matter? It's like you are offered a Ferrari, why would you still wanna drive a Honda, even if you love it so much?

Of course, I agree with the fact that money does make the world go round. It makes you live comfortably, not necessarily happily but still it makes you feel less stressful. And men. They would do anything to be successful. That's just how they are. They would grab the opportunity, no matter what. That's why I can't fight that. And of course his wf would want him to go, probably a good opportunity to get him away from me. As simple as that. That's why he probably can't decide.

As for me, I wish I had taken the HR offer at least I wont be in this situation. I won't be as devastated as I am right now, and even if he leaves, I would honestly be happy for him. But I stayed on because he is the reason why. I could have made a better decision and trusted my mind, instead of my heart. I nv told him this. But I have dreams of actually going into HR. and I almost took a degree for that couple of years ago. And when I was asked to join, boy was I so delighted. I thought to myself that probably this is it for me. I'm gonna be something someday. I will work hard and probably progress. Then I can start my part time degree. I had everything planned. Why would I wanna be doing something that I'm doing for the rest of my life? Like seriously where can I go?

But it's different for him. We are different. I think with my heart. He doesn't. But I don't blame him. I made the decision. I just should have been wiser, that's all. I think my vision is getting poorer from all these crying. Haaaa.
I can't imagine the day when he actually decides to leave. I could be strong but knowing me, probably I'll just breakdown. Might have suicidal thoughts too. Haaaa.
There is no way I can influence him. I can't stop him. Even if i cried my heart out. If he has made the decision, it is gonna be final.

I hope he will make the right choice, either ways, it will be the best for him.

I just wanna sleep, shut my eyes and brain. Goodnight.

Don't worry about a thing.

I have to be strong. I need to be strong. When no one else understands, I have to depend on myself to be strong. I have had enough of crying. I have had enough of all the heartaches. I have had enough of thinking of the what ifs and what could have been.

I have to be calm. I need to be calm. I can't let emotions control me. I need to be in charge of the things that are happening now. He doesnt get it, no matter how much I have tried. He doesn't get the fact that I need assurance. Not his hugs and quick kisses. I wanted to be a friend but its not possible. I don't think that can ever happen. I need to run away. I need to be away from all these. That's how I can move on.

I'm just waiting for the right moment. I still need to earn. I can go now but I would need to answer to my family why the sudden quit when they know I'm happy with what I do. I have to factor all these. I need to be rational. If I follow what my heart desires, I would have gone by now.
He doesnt understand. I hope he would let me go and not make it difficult for me. I still need to live. I'm 25 and I don't wanna be upset overt trivial love matters. There are other things I need to be worried about.

Even if I leave, he still has someone else. He won't care, it doesn't matter. He has someone to fall back on. So I'm at the losing end. I'm trying to reason things out here. I'm happy because he wants me to be. I have to get a life. He is not the one for me. He is married and I am not. He loves someone else but I don't love anyone else. He wanted me to be his second one. Hahaha. Absurd. Ridiculous. But he can argue and tell me that I knew what I was getting into in the first place. Hahaha. I knew of course. Yes I know all that. But he should know this too. He should know why I get moody most of the times.

Oh well. I will just go with the flow. Maybe play along with all these since it's hard to fight it. Love, what does it matter? Infidelity is on the rise anyway. Real love just doesnt exist anymore. Not in this era. Since he wants me to go with it, I say why not? Pain, what does it matter?
It doesn't matter to me anymore. Love, pain. That's my fate. To be in this situation. Well at least I'm not committed to anything. I can do and go anywhere as I please. I don't have to be tied down. But probably when he needs me and I need him, we will be there physically. So that's the bright side.

So I say, go with this until I find the right time. =) I shall not post anything about him anymore. Because like I said I have other things to be worried about.

Go with the Flow.

So yesterday was family day,really a fantastic Saturday at Wavehouse, Sentosa. The weather was good rained, for a bit in the afternoon but it still went on as smoothly as I hoped it would be. Had so much fun in the hot sun, burnt my face a little bit, and i love the healthy glow it brings on my face. :) Though I didn't get to surf (wanted to badly), but I'm still glad everyone had fun. I was the timekeeper for the competition and the slots were all taken up and there was no time anyway to surf, but still I enjoyed watching each and everyone of them falling. Too bad couldn't show off my skills. But oh well, I have got to do what I have got to do. All in all, it was a really good day.

Rode the bull, laughed too much, danced in the rain, ate and talked. Seeing people happy, it just warms my heart. Played volleyball with the funny philippinos, it was really so much fun. Seeing him enjoying himself, it makes me glad.

Moments like that, I can never get them back. Happy moments, it awakens me. Like it makes me believe that there is more to life and I can do so much more.
Events like these, being part of the committee, it makes me happy. Even if there were hiccups along the way. Even if I get upset at some. And even if I had only a minor role to play, it still feels nice at the end of the day.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity. Forget about my complaining and whining. I do that sometimes because I am a drama queen. Again, thank you. You know who you are ;)

I still hate you.

Trust. What do we actually know of it?

We know nothing about it until its broken. As cynical as this can get, but I believe in the phrase : "every man for himself".
Yet in order to survive,we have to learn how to depend and trust someone. It is a cycle. A chain that has been established way before mankind. When do we start and stop trusting the ones close to you?

As much as I don't wanna think about it, someone told me something earlier that has striked my chord. Just these words : be careful.
Wasn't meant for me, but it triggered my conscience. Everyone can pretend, everyone can fake it. Hey, it's a dog eat dog world. I pretend too. I fake too. You never know what's in the minds of strangers or even your best friend's or even your loved ones'.

I gotta learn to trust myself more than anyone else. I gotta learn to survive on my own. I gotta learn that no one is going to help you when you need one. I gotta learn to listen to my instincts and look through the kindness of my friends, family and colleagues. I gotta learn how to be cynical. They have their motives behind that laughter, the smiles and their helping hands.

I'm gonna repeat this mantra daily. "I trust no one but myself and God".

Smile on my heart.

It was yet another good saturday again. Went out early in the morning to run some errands, afterwhich went to spore flyer to help them with the ocbc bicycle tingee (which I managed to push only two inside because I was rushing off to meet mahani and Zizie) sorry guys, wish I could help more but well, I haven't seen my friends for a long time now. We caught a movie- this means war. Ok laaa not as funny as I had thought it would be. Still ok though. Then dinner, and we just caught up with one another - talked about random things and well basically girl talk. Waited for wady and talked some more. Haha.

Love decent days like these. It makes me feel complete. And I need friends like that to keep my life on track.
Gotta wake up early tomorrow. Cycling day yeay yeayyyyy!